Looking For Something... Someone.

 My mental health is deteriorating and it has been affecting me physically. My constant state of anxiety on the daily has been draining me every single day. I've really tried to get out of bed to do something but my body just feels heavy. Lately I've been feeling a lot of:

• Headaches, especially at night when I want to sleep early
• Joint pains
• Nausea and gagging 
• Dizziness and lightheadedness
• Really bad insomnia 
• Can't sleep at night but can sleep all day during the day time... literally. I'm asleep during my online classes because I can't get myself to get out of bed. 
• Excessive sweating even when I'm not doing anything
• Feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, pain, insecurities, numbness, and emptiness. 
• Suicidal thoughts

I've been straight up sad and unmotivated. I love drawing and I had a hard time getting myself to start a commission piece because I'd start doubting my abilities but once I start, I do admit I have fun. I'll get back to that later on. But I've been crying almost everyday over the smallest things and sometimes even out of no where. To be honest the things I look forward to are the small opportunities that come across where I can talk to someone. When my friends group chat actually has people replying, when John holds a conversation with me, or when people comment on my fucking Instagram stories of things I post. I never want to get out of bed. My joints are hurting from being in one position for hours on end on top of my usual joint pain. I don't even feel like scheduling a meeting with my counselor to talk because I think I already know what she will say to help me practice mindfulness and all these things I learn in my classes about taking care of ourselves. I'm just at that point where I don't even want to try. I joke around about wanting to be appreciated but I am fucking trying to scream out for help. I know there's no one else that can really help me in the long run but myself but I literally need attention and effort from those around me. I need reassurance. I need conversation. Like genuine fucking conversations. I want to feel like I matter. It goes back to my last post. I guess it's my fault for not being able to be there for myself the way I'm there for others but its small things I wish some could do for me. If someone I love is going through something where I don't know how to be there for them, I'll look up how to be present. I'll watch Youtube videos and look through articles and websites of how to be present for those I love. I'm always putting others before me and I wish I knew what it was like to get that in return. I'm getting so tired trying to ignore and push aside how I feel and stop telling myself I'm being selfish for wanting effort from others. I'm not doing things with the expectation of others to do the same but it would be nice to have someone care about me enough to try and actually be present for me. So many times I feel like I try or start to open up and the person I talk to isn't even really listening and eventually avoids the topic and turns the conversation around to something else. 

I don't care for physical and materialistic things. I need company. I need quality time. I need words of affirmation. I keep telling myself I need to start distancing myself from people and things that make me sad or things that make me feel small and worthless but then I realize that means I'll be left alone. So there goes all the things I'm looking for right? What can I do to be there for myself? What can I do to work on my mental health and be present in the moment? How can I put myself first and have space for someone to be there with me during this journey? Should I even have that space open? Because what if no one even wants to be there for me. Thinking about where I want to take my art in the future gives me something to look forward to. Honestly that's the only thing I've been looking forward to. The thought of successfully selling my art to people and doing something fun gives me strength. Everything else has been so uncertain but I think the best thing I did for myself this year was step out of my comfort zone to open up commission to make art. I'd have made 19 pieces since August-December. I've actually had my commission windows be filled and people asking when my next window is. People actually like my art. I'm scared that after my next commission window, I won't get any more orders so I decided to not even open up another one for now and instead work on other projects like a coloring book, making stickers, and prints. I wish I didn't look for validation from others to know I have some talent. That I can make something out of myself. 

I want to work on myself so bad. I feel like I need to just let out the things that bring me anxiety and worry about my present. I need to sort everything out so I can visualize things. Jashley sent me a video of Tuba's lullaby from Infinity Train today and I've had it on repeat because I comforts me yet makes me emotional at the same time. There's this one line in the song that goes, "We'll always have tomorrow, no need to let it borrow time from today." Like no, tomorrow isn't always guaranteed for everyone but why should we worry about the future instead of being present in the moment. Because we will never get back the time from the present if we're too worried about things that haven't happened yet. If that doesn't sum up my anxiety I don't know what will. It is 2:30am and I may not be about to jot every single thing down but some things that I feel anxious about that I feel like I think about on the daily include:

• This pandemic we are STILL in and next March only being 3 months away and me not even being able to process what happened this this March. 
• The future of my career 
• Getting constant cancellations on fieldwork 1B & C and now getting cancellations for my level 2's due to COVID
• Expectations people have for me do be someone I am not yet ready to be 
• My systematic review presentation in February 
• Passing the NBCOT in one take 
• Not finding motivation to study better again
• My grades
• Getting close to marriage 
• Being a mom when I don't feel anywhere near ready 
• The way my spouse and I will raise our kids 
• The life I can provide to my future family and my parents 
• Being liked by literally everyone and being accepted 
• How to be a good partner 
• My mental health 
• My physical health 
• Wanting to know what the future holds and wanting and needing to be in charge of my future 
• Financial burdens my family faces 
• The emotional stress my family faces 
• My parent's health and my dad's mental health 
• Hating that my mental health makes me a bad daughter towards my parents because I am constantly lashing out over the smallest things 
• Always wondering if there's something wrong with me because I never feel like people like me
• Constantly trying to find things that may help me alter the course of the future I will soon face 
• John's wellbeing, his safety, and his mental and physical health 
• Jashley's wellbeing, her safety, and her mental and physical health 
• Always telling myself I need to be present for my friends and family 
• How John feels about me and how I feel about my future 
• If John even still wants to be with me
• Things not going according to plan or things not following a certain course 

Seeing that list just shows how much I worry about the future. I don't know how to stop my thoughts. I'm looking for something or someone to be there to help me sort my life out. I can't do this alone. 

 I wish I could stop caring as hard as I do for people. I feel like I do too much and it starts to overwhelm others. I wish I could just take a step back before doing something. You know what, I actually loved this part about myself and I think that’s what made me feel like Occupational Therapy was a good fit for me. I love hard. I care for others and their well being. I want what’s best for those around me. But then when I think about its impact in my own personal life, it’s just overwhelming and I feel like it pushes people away. It actually makes me sad that I’m like this. I’m sad because I feel like I give so much of myself away and it’s not that I expect it in return but there’s just so many times where I feel depleted and burnt out. But then when I feel burnt out it gets mistaken for me being grumpy. It’s not that I’m angry at the individual, I’m angry with myself so I try to distance myself. Despite feeling this way, I still keep giving because I truly care about those I care for and want to make sure they’re doing well too. I always feel like others either feel bad or feel forced to check up on me and I hate that. It’s so hard for me to put myself first that I start to lose a sense of who I am and it makes it hard for me to love myself. I tried to ask people if they had videos of me they could share because I found this idea on TikTok that people make montages of themselves as a form of self love. I’ve never had something like that done for me until recently for my birthday from my best friends. I rarely hear words of encouragement, so I wanted to make a video for myself. I couldn’t get any good videos though so that’s out the window too. I think that’s why I get so emotional when I hear feedback from people I work with for fieldwork when they say how much they loved working with me because for once I feel seen and validated. I don’t hear that as much. I have a hard time being positive for myself. I look at this trait I have and genuinely get mad at myself for it. Is it bad that I care for people’s safety? Why am I so bothered of what people want to do? Why can’t I just “do me” and focus on myself? Why don’t I know how to do that? Why do I keep looking for validity? Why do I keep trying to make people like me? Why do I feel so defeated at the thought that someone doesn’t like me? It’s not like I feel 100% with everyone either? Is that selfish of me? The fact that I am writing this gives me so much anxiety and my heart rate is so fast. I seriously hate myself for being how I am but I also at the same time wish I could be there for myself the way I am for others. 

W.A.Y.S

Promises

Eternal Sunshine

I cannot listen to those songs anymore without tearing ever since my cousin left us. 

I wish you could be here and see everything we're doing. I just know how proud you would have been and every time I think of you and start to miss you, I feel like I know what you would have told us to show your support. I like to think of those thoughts of you actually telling me that yourself. I can't believe it's been half a year already. The time has been going by so fast but not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Every time I check my instagram page I see your face and start to feel emotional. I know you're up there watching over us and still cheering us on, I just know it. The pain of knowing you are no longer physically with us still lingers. I cry a couple nights a week when I start missing you. The reality has not hit yet and I know the pain of your absence will always linger. I get so many flashbacks of all the birthdays, the Christmas and Thanksgiving parties, Sunday mornings, gym sessions, sister dates, and our childhood and the shit we used to do in my house. I was showing one of my friends my old Maplestory videos and came across the Fabulous one you and I made together. I can't stop thinking of you and your laugh. Your presence lit up the room and your vibes were contagious. Everything about you is so memorable and impactful in all our lives. I still feel your presence and know you're still with us but I wish I could give you another hug. 

I don't think I will ever stop questioning why God brought you home so soon. I don't think I will ever understand and be okay with how you left us on this earth. But I am so fucking thankful to have had the opportunity to be your cousin in this lifetime and I can't wait for us to reunite in the after life. 

 it's my 25th birthday and I feel like dying

I'm getting my hair colored next weekend and I wanted to try on some outfits to take pictures in cause I'll be going to the salon with my friend. I figured I might as well take some photos to post on my 25th birthday since I most likely will be celebrating alone anyways. I tried on a couple of dresses and took some mock photos in them and just wanted to cry with how I looked. 

I badly need to take a social media break because I feel like every one I see has the same body. There's a trend on TikTok of girls who show off their regular stomachs and I still think their stomachs are flat and look nice compared to mine. Even if their stomachs are more round, their faces are still slim and they're still pretty. I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate who I am. I even hate my personality. 

I only feel comfortable in oversized T-Shirts and baggy pants. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say wow I feel smaller today! Or I put on leggings and they fit perfectly and not too light like some other days. But then I see myself in pictures... I see my arms, I see my stomach, I see my double chin... I'm so disgusted with myself and I've felt this way about myself for the past couple of years. I feel so unattractive. 

I can't even find motivation right now to get up and do a workout. I'm not feeling it today. I woke up pretty excited and energized but it was all gone after 2 hours. 

I fucking hate myself, haha. 

My Demise

It's starting again. It's been back for a good week or two. But the past two days it's hit bad again. I feel anxious, numb, insecure, sad, all at once. I'm looking forward to John's birthday but it's not until the end of October. 

Prepare yourself for a vent session that has no sense of organization or structure. 

I'm holding my tears back as I type this. Things are definitely getting bad again. I have 0 motivation and a new quarter of school just started. I lose myself in times like this and ask the same questions. Why am I like this? Why can't I get over it? Why am I still here? What am I fighting for? I hate that I always have an urge to be liked. I need to make sure I'm always in good terms with people. If someone doesn't like me, I start to overthink and panic and try to come up with ways for them to like me. Why can't I just accept that not everyone will like me in the same way that I don't like everyone? Why do I always feel this need to prove myself to people? It always leads to disappointment when I don't meet the standards of other people. Why do I keep having to compare myself to people? I'm friends with people that everyone likes and I get sad when someone likes them but doesn't like me. Why do I feel like I need to be quiet about my beliefs in order to be liked? Why can't I accept things for the way they are...

I overthink about my art and feel like a novice and unworthy to go anywhere with my art. I feel like my art is so basic and everyone around me is so artistic and are so well in their craft and I feel like I've been in the same place for years. I get bursts of inspiration and motivation then it gets wiped out in a blink of an eye. 

I feel unmotivated to keep up with my friendships with people but at the same time have such a strong desire to be in touch with everyone. My energy levels are just so low. Why do I keep comparing myself to others? Why am I so insecure with myself and what I have to offer? Do I even have anything to offer? Does anyone ever look at me and say: Hey I want to be friends with her. She seems like someone I'd like to be friends with. 

I feel fucking shitty about myself. I feel so ugly. I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I'm letting myself go again. I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel like crying at least twice a day. I never know who to talk to. I'm lazy to even schedule meeting with a therapist. Being in AZ again feeds into my unhealthy habit of staying in bed all day because I have no one telling me to get up. I can't just hit my friends up to go out and hang out in the middle of a fucking pandemic. I'm always scared and I'm always anxious to do things alone or to try new things. This whole day I kept asking myself: who'd even care about me if I was gone? Things would just be so much better if I wasn't around anymore. Imagine all the things I wouldn't have to worry about anymore if I wasn't here. How much less of a burden I'd be to people? I know I'm selfish for feeling and thinking this way. 

Just broke down in tears and Muppy and Spot rushed to comfort me at my bed. Spotty rarely comes to the head board area and stays at my feet but today he and Muppy laid right next to my head so I could pet them. I love them so much. The moment they heard me cry they rushed over. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them out here alone. 

September is Suicide Awareness Month. I hate that I feel this way and I wish it was so easy as to just turn it off. It's hard after losing someone to suicide and then feeling selfish for feeling how I feel after seeing the effect it had with someone else. I can't put it into words but its like I feel like I don't have a right to feel this way but at the same time I know I shouldn't feel this way and that I know it's something I don't deserve to feel either? I don't think any of that makes sense. I don't know what to do with the rest of my day. I'll probably just lay in bed and put a movie on after I feed the boys their dinner. 

I've had issues with my body for the past couple years and I have yet to find acceptance with it. I look at myself in the mirror and get so disgusted with myself. I am currently on a 23 day streak of working out and burning over 500 active calories a day and the last 4 days I've challenged myself to hit 700 with one day being 800. Prior to the 23 day streak I had an 8 day streak but broke it because I was drained from school. I've been upping my vegetable intake but I know I'm probably having a hard time losing fat because I still eat carbs but it's so hard to leave the house because of this pandemic and I fear even just going out to the grocery store regularly to keep up with fresh foods so I end up eating noodles or something frozen like hot pockets. I am honestly starting to notice an obsession with my calorie burn and I need to take a step back and not be too hard on myself because I do not want this developing into something unhealthy. I know I need to up my protein intake and I need to lift but I have no weights at home so I've been doing weightless work outs. Currently doing boxing everyday for at least 30 minutes and because of this 700 cal challenge I'll bump it up to 70 minutes a day. I know my face is slimming down but the rest of my body isn't. Sometimes there are days where I feel like my arms are slimmer and my stomach is more lean but then I put on clothes other than my baggy usuals and I get disgusted with what I see. I hate how I look in the mirror, in front cameras, on my webcam... I literally hate my body.

Social media has also ruined my body image and self esteem because it seems like all these girls have the same body types. 0 waist, B cup, nice waists, thin legs and arms and I'm here feeling comfortable in shirts 1-2 sizes larger. I look at myself in the mirror and I want to cry every single day. I plan to get off birth control to see if I can lose a good amount of weight without it. I started a new pill this month and I feel like it's making me bloated and extra fatigued so I have to break my workouts up because I feel like napping. I also at the same time can't fucking go to sleep. I toss and turn until 3 in the morning.

I don't know how to love myself. I look at myself and feel disgusted and I am ashamed and embarrassed to be around others because everyone looks so good and I just have rolls everywhere. For a while I felt really encouraged with my progress and discipline of working out everyday but the moment I put on "regular" clothes I just see all my insecurities bleed through. I don't like going out in public, I don't like being seen, I don't like going to family events because Filipino's are so harsh with weight, I know I'm talked about and compared to my old skinny self. I'm so aware of these things. I miss my old body. I can't learn to love myself in the skin I'm in. I don't feel beautiful.

I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm not slim enough.
I'm not worth it.

Do You Remember?

I miss you. I've been thinking bout you a lot again. I miss being able to just text you randomly to talk about a memory, ask a question about my birth control pills (haha), to gossip, and plan for our futures. I look back at pictures and tell myself, "No she can't be gone. That's impossible." This month will be 3 months since you left us and with everything going on it's been hard to really process it still. I wish I could talk to you about what's going on in the world, hear your opinion on it, and just have a conversation with you.

I thought about you even more because "What Dreams Are Made Of" from the Lizzie Mcguire movie just came to my mind randomly while I was cleaning the dishes. Do you remember back when I started writing more, I would write songs and sing them to you and you'd bop your head like it was the next best thing and would actually sing along with me. I thought of my version of this song and instead it was Halloween related and it was like, "Have you ever seen such a spooky night? You could even see the ghosts shining so bright?" Even until recently it would be one of those "Do you remember?"'s for us. Today I wanted to text you to ask if you remembered. Then do you remember when we would play Maplestory together after school and make MMV's? As embarrassing as that past was for me, it holds a different kind of meaning to me now.

It's so crazy that your outlook on things change when you lose someone. You learn to cherish things more than you thought you did, you learn how to value time differently, and you learn how to stop holding back on fears and to just live more in the moment. I know the pain of you being gone will never go away and I think a part of me will always have a hard time believing you've left us at such a young age. I miss singing to childhood songs with you. I miss us dancing around my house. I miss going out with you. I miss our sleepovers. I miss seeing you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss you like crazy every single day. As I type this listening to Hillary Duff's "So Yesterday" I can't help but cry. You were my childhood best friend. We had some rough patches but I'm so thankful that we still grew close no matter what. I miss your voice... I miss your laugh. I wish we had more videos of you so we can hear your voice again.

We had so much planned. So much to look forward to. I almost feel guilty if the cousins do something because it doesn't feel fair to keep going on without you. But when I think that way I feel you speaking to me and telling me not to think this way. I really hope you're doing okay. Please forgive me when I get angry when I think about how we lost you. I'm having a hard time not being angry about it because maybe you would still been here. Maybe I could have been a better cousin for you. I promise to be there for Ate J and Jashley. Please visit us again soon. You are so loved. You are so missed. The world doesn't turn the same without you. Our angel.

"An angel walked up to my door
Opened the windows to my soul
Told me he thinks that I should know
Life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger"

I think about who I do this for. Who I am still here for. 
There is so much unprocessed pain in me. 
I do not know how to manage it.
I do not know how to sort through it.  

I've noticed myself holding in my tears to the point where my throat is just in so much pain. 
I know I need to keep going. 
But some days it just feels impossible. 
I cannot stand the thought of hurting those who love me. 

There are days where I'm in a battle with my head. 
I know people love me. 
But it's so hard to believe it. 
I ask myself what's there to love?

It's so crazy to think about how fragile life is. 
How easily it could be taken away. 
How we never stop missing the ones who are no longer here. 
I don't want to hurt the ones that care about me. 

When we lost Uncle Jep in 2008, we all told him we'd be alright. 
But as we grew older his promises were always in our minds. 
We'd share with him how we got our permits, got our licenses, our first legal drink... 
He was always in our hearts. 

When we lost Ate Nicolle this year, we tried our bests to tell her we'll be alright. 
We make these promises to her because we know she wouldn't want us hurting. 
We live with these unanswered questions and memories with her. 
And continue to wish she was with us through all this. 

But if I could be honest, it's so hard trying to be okay. 
I come across pictures, memories, dreams, and it still hurts. 
Because every time that happens I have a battle with my mind and reality
and try so hard to tell myself you're still here. 

We hold onto their "I love you's"
Their words of encouragement
Their smiles
Their memories 

Life just has a whole new meaning when we lose those we love. 
Battling through my mental health is such a fucking struggle. 
There are some days I feel okay but once things start getting bad, 
I have a hard time getting out of the funk. 

I just think about who would even care if I left.
If I made an impact in anyone's life. 
I'm tired of these thoughts. 
I'm tired of myself. 

The waves push me further from the shore and the amount of space in my lungs begins to shrink. My body is sinking and all I can think of is letting go. The thoughts inside my mind begin to intensify the more my body goes into panic. My body wants to move and swim up to the surface but my limbs are locked, my eyes are shut, my lips are glued. I am trapped in something I loved. The ocean was comfort to me yet it is also the death of me. With my last few moments I picture those I love with a smile on their face and fight the urge to feel their hugs and not let go. I think of ripsticking around my neighborhood, making mud pies, and hiding boxes of treasure in my backyard. Staying up late drinking yogurt and Yakult and making snowman out of its bottles and waking up the next morning ready to jump into an inflatable pool while my mom serves us orange creamsicle smoothies and grilled cheeseburgers. I think of sneaking out of our grandma's house, hiding from parents, and living carefree.

How are you doing? I hope you are fine. These past couple days have been hard for me. You are on my mind and I am thinking about how you felt. Because I am terrified. Fighting my demons has not gotten easier as much as I want to, and try to lie to myself that it has. I want out of this world so many times... I cannot drown out my demons. I cannot shut them off. I feel fucking alone. I feel fucking selfish. I am angry with myself for being how I am. I hate myself. I hate who I've become. I look at the mirror and want to cry. I don't know who I am. I feel like I don't deserve the relationships in my life and I feel like I'm sabotaging them. I don't feel supported. I don't feel anything. There are people I want to talk to but when I get the chance to, I don't know what to talk about. I don't feel worthy. I fucking miss you. I still can't come to acceptance of it. I can't forget you and I will never forget you. Every time I think of my childhood you're there with me. Please visit me again. The silence around me is making me go crazy.

Life Update

I have been trying to make the most of my time the past couple of days and I feel so good. This was the first week back we returned to campus since the quarantine began and we are still fighting for change, justice, and equity. I feel extra motivated and have been using the extra time in my day to simply educate myself. During my time back in California I decided to finally challenge myself so I bought 3 plants. I told myself, if I could keep at least one of these three alive for one month, I will buy another plant and slowly continue to grow my collection. I have been educating myself by writing down which plants are best for beginners, which plants do best with indirect sunlight from a west facing window, best care for each of the ones I bought, when and how each plant prefers to receive water, and down to how to properly propagate a plant, prune when I see something wrong, and how to repot. I bought small plants because I didn't want to spend so much if I was just going to kill them. So I started small and so far I've been seeing growth in my baby fiddle leaf fig tree! A new leaf has sprouted but I'm thinking of pruning the one next to it because since I bought it, the leaf was already damaged anyways. The journey has been fun and rewarding so far.

I've also been working on being more proactive within my OT program. I may not have been elected for SOTA social media chair at the beginning of the year but there's been more opportunities coming my way and I am excited to see where God takes me. I have volunteered to work with professors to go over our program curriculum to advocate for more inclusivity and diversity as well as be a part of the applicant process for that. Just yesterday I got the email that I was officially placed in group for the applicant process. I have also been introduced to COTAD by Alexis and got the go from the SOTA advisor to take the next step. I am so excited to be part of this change in my school as this is another step towards a more diverse program. I truly believe we as future healthcare professionals should be educated on the disparities and challenges minorities face. Sometimes I get scared at the thought that I'm being a little too vocal about my stance in this civil rights movement because Arizona is a red state and I already have one classmate being open about supporting trump and wondered if the rest of my classmates who stayed silent are also Pro-Trump. I've been educating myself in the history of Black Americans and have learned so much and I know I want to keep educating myself to be the best ally I can be.

And lastly I have been equipping myself more with the Word of God by listening to testimonies, recorded services, and following fellow Christian's on social media. I think it is important to realize that we are currently in a state of war and should equip ourselves with the word of God. For my specifically, I grew up in a Filipino American Christian Church so I was surrounded by a lot of close minded people (traditional Filipino elders) tied in with using the Bible as reasons to be racist. I decided to separate myself from religion and just focus myself with the Word of God because I didn't like what a lot of the Christian's I grew up with believed in. George Floyd died yet they stay quiet and don't offer up a prayer to not only his life but the lives of the innocent black people dying and then finding reasons to justify their death? They aren't reflecting on their own bias and are not willing to unlearn unjust traits and thoughts. I was disappointed in how the people in my old church took upon this situation and their lack of heart to acknowledge the black lives matter movement and continue to push that all lives matter. The Christian pastors I've followed have done such a great job at addressing the issue and really reflecting on what the church has done in the past and came up a plan with how we can be better.

Mentally, I'm getting drained. It's so hard to balance everything right now that I've had to sign off and delete some apps that triggered me with the whole lack of awareness and ignorance people hold on social media. I've tried to share my opinion and back it up with resources that debunk theirs and at this point I just want to focus my energy with continued education as well as with what I'm doing within my program. I'll worry about everyone else after, haha. Sometimes my bad thoughts come back, sometimes I think of and miss my cousin, sometimes I just feel empty and numb, some afternoon's I'll just randomly burst into tears, and being back in AZ has just overall increased my feelings of loneliness and desire for some form of company.

All Lives Don't Matter Until Black Lives Matter

My heart is aching for the world right now but I understand the anger. We are living in what feels like a second civil rights movement. I am a part of this. My family is a part of this. My friends are a part of this. My neighbors and peers are a part of this. I understand the anger and I am angry with them. I ask myself, why did it take losing this many lives for there to finally be some sort of progress in protecting the lives of our black brothers and sisters? I reflect on my own self and what I can do to become a better ally. I've been using this time reflecting and praying and educating myself. I have been doing this for years but being a little harder on myself now.

Growing up I was surrounded by people who used the N word and know I've said it while singing along to songs and oftentimes even in my conversations with friends. I grew up around that. I never knew of the weight it carried as a non-BIPOC. I was always told, "It's a term of endearment." As I've gotten older I started using it less in my vocabulary but sometimes would still sing it out loud in songs. I am responsible for that and for being under-educated on its meaning. Then as the Black Lives Movement (BLM) began in 2013, I became more aware of the injustice happening to minorities--BIPOC specifically. I was aware of it then but did not really reflect and make the decision to change until around 2015. I began to educate myself as to why non-BIPOC shouldn't say that word and why we can't tell black people to stop saying it either. I learned to be more aware of my words as well as the cultural biases I grew up with as a Filipinx-American. Growing up I was victim to buying papaya soap to lighten my skin because I grew up thinking you can only be pretty if you have light skin. Eventually my laziness just told me I'm fine just the way I am and that also made me realize how ridiculous it was that people went these measures to become lighter. I even heard of my Filipinx peers taking pills to become lighter!

I also began to speak out to my parents around this time to help them understand the way they feel about POC needs to change. As I've also grown as a Christian, I made sure to remind them what our calling is as His children. It's taken years of calling my parents out for things they say and feel. It wasn't easy. Some times it even resulted in tears because of how frustrated I was that it's taking them so long to understand me, my mom especially due to our language barrier. I've also been more vocal to other people around me to stop saying the N word too. I made little progress during this time until today but it was still progress but I wish I made more. Every time there was news about an injustice death of a black person or even a wrongful imprisonment based off the color of ones skin, I couldn't help but feel disgusted. Once Trump was elected into office in 2016 I feel like my upset began to continually grow especially knowing people of my church (that I've literally grown up with) were supporting him and his racist agenda. I stepped down as youth leader and pianist in 2017. It did not feel right to be a part of that church any longer. I felt uncomfortable and even angry. I left quietly without expressing my feelings.

I've been continuing making changes and continuing to be a more understanding individual and learning about the oppression of other races. I wanted to be better. I wanted them to know I feel them, I hear them, and I am here to support them. Today I am educating myself in ways I did not before. I have delved much deeper into the oppression black individuals faced that was not taught in school. I read about how BIPOC have helped Filipinx independence as well as their help with other Asian minorities. I have also become aware of my own privilege as an Asian American and how Asian's were painted as the model minority for staying quiet and following what we were told to do. 2020 is the year that will all change. I have been reading and signing petitions and although I do not have the funds to donate to many organizations, I am supporting by sharing resources and IG stories of how we non-BIPOC can use our voices. Seeing the solidarity in not only 50 states but around the WORLD has moved me and made me emotional. The protests are mainly peaceful but there are definitely many where there are looting and rioting. As a Christian we know violence is not the answer but also have to realize we cannot expect a civil response from an oppressed group. Many of those rioting and looting aren't even there in support of BLM. Police are also breaking windows and looting!

There needs to be change. The government needs to defund the police and invest more money into communities of color and help with health and education. They are just as human as we are and it upsets me that the constitution does not believe in that. The constitution wasn't made for people of color. I may not be there in person for the protests but I am doing what I can at home to help. I even begin to tear because I feel like my parents are finally understanding me anger and upset. They are more open to listening to me and understanding the oppression happening around them. That there IS injustice happening today in 2020. Thank GODDD my dad is a democrat, haha. I'm so glad he's able to properly translate and educate to my mom what is happening and why it is happening. I feel like I have finally made a breakthrough within my home because I know that's where change can start. Within our homes. I just pray my mom finds the confidence to stand up to family members when they talk to her about what is happening. No one said this would be easy and hell, we're privileged to not even experience what BIPOC experience. We will NEVER understand but we MUST stand with them. I'm so happy to finally see some change within the communities. The police who killed George Floyd are finally charged if it wasn't for the anger of the citizens. Breonna Taylor's case is being opened to give her justice and charge those police that killed her in her sleep. Ahaumd Arbery's case is finally advancing and sentencing the 3 men who killed him.

Although all this is happening, I know there will always be some form of racism in years to come. It doesn't not end here. But I pray for the future of the nation as well as the world. I pray that our efforts today will not ever go to waste. I may not live to see the day where racism no longer exists but I am comforted knowing I have helped make change today, tomorrow, and forever. I pray families continue to educate their children and other family members to share love and to stand up for others and fight for justice. It is important to have these uncomfortable conversations with others but we should also be willing to be patient with others because some people will take time for their awakening. God is with us. He is working with us. Change is coming. I promise to continue educating myself to become a better individual and an ally. I know I am not perfect but I also know I cannot just sit around and do nothing.

The days have definitely been rough. My health hasn’t been great and I feel like it may have just been a result of my body being under a lot of stress. It’s either that or I’m here freaking out that I have this virus. I can’t be around people other than my parents in this house. They aren’t letting me let in other people in the house. At times like this I fucking wish I could have some sort of company with me. 

My mental health hasn’t been great. Part of me feels so alone in this. I know I have people who are willing to be there for me and are okay with me reaching out but a part of me doesn’t want to because I’m scared. I don’t know exactly what I’m scared of but I just feel it. My body feels constantly tired. I feel numb. I’m holding back my tears every day. I feel so empty. I feel so alone. I know I can’t keep asking people for comfort and help. I keep telling myself I need to stop bothering people and just get through this on my own. It’s just been so… fucking… hard. I can’t open up to my parents. Growing up I’ve always had a hard time expressing my feelings to them because I feel like their response is always so generic. We never really open up to each other about how we feel. 

I’m scared for myself. I’m trying really hard to be strong for others but I’m having a really hard time. I’m in this downwards spiral and I thought being home in CA would help me not be in my thoughts like I was in AZ but I feel like it’s exactly the same. In fact I sometimes wish I was back in AZ because I could stay in bed all day and no one would make me get up. But I guess in hindsight, it’s good my parents are making me get out of bed. I really don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling at all…. There’s so much in my head right now and it’s making me sad that I can’t reciprocate it onto paper or onto this post. Everything in life right now just feels pointless. I’m tired. 

The pain is still there.

It's lingering.

The sadness comes in waves.

My body goes numb.

I'm really sad. I really miss her.

The loss is hitting me hard.

I wish I had someone with me...

To hold me and just be in the moment with.

I want to cry but what's the use?

We can't bring her back.

I long for the nights she visits me in my sleep...

To be with her for another day.

Jasmine Nicolle Lopez Chan

Written April 17, 2020 @ 3:01 am

My heart is heavy today.

I need to go back home. 

I refuse to accept this reality. I keep telling myself to stop crying because this isn’t real. I’m just in another nightmare. I’m going to wake up from this soon. 

It’s going to take a while for me to wrap my head around this. It’s so hard not to question God why you? Why both you and Nathan? But I know we shouldn’t question the Lord and instead trust in his timing. I am replaying all our memories in my head. From when you moved in with me in elementary school while your fam was still in Norcal and my mom would tell us not to shower together before school and one time we did and broke the shower curtain and got in trouble, to when you would make a face and scare me when I turned around, to all our high school mischief, and all the memories we made as young adults navigating this world. We did some crazy shit and I’m so glad we did because they make some fun ass stories. You helped me get comfortable going to the gym and showed me how to use machines that were intimidating to me so I didn’t look like a fool whenever I went on my own. I always looked forward to our talks in the sauna and laughing at how red we get when working out. When I was home in February we tried to plan going to the gym 3x but never went and instead took Lali out for sushi and played Mario Kart at my house. I’m so glad I got to spend time with you to what I didn’t know would be my last time on March 3, 2020. 

There was so much in store for you and Nathan. You two got engaged in January of this year and this April would have been your 9 year anniversary. When I look at everything I’m so thankful that our family as a whole was able to get close at the end of 2019. Our family gatherings felt more complete when we had more of the fam celebrate the holidays with us. You brought Nathan to Thanksgiving last year and in 2018 and everyone was just taking shots. I’m glad he came again for Christmas Eve and he got closer to our family too and played more games with us than he did the year before. I am also glad we did the family circle at the end of all the games to talk about what we were thankful for. I didn’t care if it was a thanksgiving activity, I knew we would all appreciate it. And I just think about last week how you texted us if anyone wanted to play Houseparty. I’m so glad the Jesses Angels were able to all hop on for a couple of hours. It was so fun and I was looking forward to more. I’m also thankful I was able to talk to you even for a little but last night because i had a song stuck in my head and I knew either you or Ate J would know what I was singing. The last thing you told me was “good luck” because I planned to drive back to CA on Sunday. 

God knows how much I miss you. You were a sister to me and not having you here with me hurts. I can’t imagine life without you. I know your spirit lives on and we will always feel your love even when you aren’t physically with us. I hope you and Nathan are  resting well. 4/16/2020

          

Worldwide Quarantine

What a year 2020 has been. I have been stuck in my apartment for the past 7 days. The US is now seeing the severity of the worldwide pandemic that is the coronavirus. We all started out thinking it was similar to the common flu. I was worried about it mid February but believed everyone around me saying not to worry because it isn't that bad. Well... as of today March 20, 2020 there are over 250,000 cases around the world, over 10,000 fatalities, and 87,000 recoveries.

Am I panicking? You bet I am. Am I being smart and following order of social distancing? Yes, if anything I am straight up isolating myself and staying indoors. The first couple days in my apartment were fine. I wasn't too worried about this whole thing being hard. I thought it was going to be a piece of cake since I like staying indoors. Our school is closed and we have virtual classes until the end of the quarter in May. After just 5 days of staying indoor it hit me. I've been overthinking and worrying about my family and loved ones health every single day but on Wednesday I just had a realization of just how alone I actually am out here. I'm still in Arizona. The cases aren't too bad here...at least as of now. California's numbers are soaring quickly so I know going home isn't the smartest thing to do right now. But I am worried shitless. I have enough food to get me by a couple weeks, I have my dogs, but I still feel alone. On social media everyone's with their family and friends, my friends out here have roommates, families, and just live with their fiancé. Don't get me wrong, my dogs are such a big help to have. If it wasn't for them I think my mental health would have hit even harder much quicker. But Wednesday night struck me out of no where and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I'm honestly so sad out here and I took for granted just times I was out of the house and its effect on me even if I was just out for 10 minutes getting groceries. I am alone here with my thoughts. The things I worked so hard on the beginning of the year to forget and move on from are slowly coming back. My insecurities, my doubts, the pain... it's slowly coming back and I hate it. I hate it and what it does to me and I hate remembering what it's DONE to me. I'm trying to distract myself with Youtube, TikTok, steaming channels, Animal Crossing... but at the end of the day I still feel the pain. The apartment is slowly piling up with mess. I catch myself in my thoughts sometimes and cry. I need the physical contact. I need the touch.

I miss my parents so much and I miss John too. I worry so much over their health and I pray so hard for this to be over with already. I am so thankful to be able to Facetime them but I miss them so much and I miss being around them. I can't help but worry. I can't help thinking bout the possibilities of what could happen. I know they're all taking care of themselves but being out in California and being over 300 miles away from me frightens me. I should be with them. I want to be with them. Every time my parents and I FaceTime and we tell each other how much we miss one another and that we'll see each other soon, I'm always holding in my tears. I know we can get through this. I hate not knowing what the future holds. I hate not knowing when this will all be over with already. I hate not being able to see them. I hate not being able to hug them. I hate being so far away and not being able to see them for a while. I'm slowly dying out here. I really don't know how I'm going to last alone until May. I WANT OUT. I WANT TO BE WITH MY LOVED ONES. I WANT TO BE HOME ALREADY.

I need to stop crying.

Good job, Charr.

I really wanted to wait until all my final grades were posted but not doing anything for one day post finals felt so weird. I felt as though I needed to be studying, writing a paper, or verbally rehearsing the OT process. So instead of waiting for my psychosocial grade to be posted, I'm just going to write.

This quarter was no joke. Balancing my mental health with the load of my classes was so hard. I don't know how the hell I got through this but I know I didn't get through it alone. I feel like many nights were hard for me because I felt as though I was alone. I needed some sort of physical comfort, some reassurance, some guidance... but at the same time I didn't want to tell anyone about the battles that went on through my head. I did have my friends who always offered company but I was scared to bother them about it and waste their time because I know they are busy too. I couldn't go to my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me. I'm so thankful I have John. He always gave me pep talks, listened to me, and although it wasn't physical, he still comforted me. There were so many times I had to stop myself because I didn't want to bother him anymore. I felt like everything I felt was just a constant cycle and I didn't want it to rub off on him. I did get some professional help since coming back to school in January and its honestly helped me. I've had to learn to remind myself of the choice I've made to move on from the pain I've held onto for the past couple years. I've learned how write out how I feel and I've started journaling again. Journaling helped a ton but once the school work piled up, it was hard for me to write that day. The balance between school and my mental health was weird. Some days the work load distracted me from my depression but sometimes my depression kept me from studying. There were so many mornings where I. just. wanted. to. stay. home. But one of my friends always texted me to "just go" and that honestly just pushed me to get up and "just go". In January we had an exam every single week and I had to sacrifice studying for some classes to make up for my first cognition grade. I studied cognition for 4 hours everyday and up to 8 hours the week before the midterm. Studied my ass off and still got a B but it brought my grade up a lot and by the time it was finals, I bumped up my overall grade to a B so I am still proud of myself for that.

I need to learn how to give myself credit. I know I am not a proficient test taker and I think that's why my anxiety peaks before exams. It is so hard for me to score an A on written exams but put me in a practical and I'll ace it. I can verbally recite the lecture slides and it clearly shows I understand the concepts but put it on a timed exam and I will definitely freak. I hear my classmates stressed they didn't get an A and here I am proud as hell with myself for PASSING. Granted I do still wish my grades were better but 12 exams and 7 classes in 10 weeks ON TOP of being depressed 75% of those days? I HAVE to pat myself on the back for that. I'm proud of the progress I've made mentally though but I don't know if it's also because the sun has been coming through more, haha. The days are better in terms of I don't feel worthless and I don't feel like killing myself anymore. But by no means does that mean I don't get those thoughts anymore because they are still alive but they've been happening less.

This quarter was mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. We had our first round of fieldwork and I was placed in a recovery center and we worked with people who had mental illnesses to work on photovoices together. My partner and I kind of just gravitated towards each other on my first day. We connected by talking about Van Gogh, movies, and music. When everyone was trying to find partners he was already telling people I would be his. I was scared he was going to forget the next week but he didn't! Just at the end of our first day meeting he told everyone that he liked that I was able to see past his schizophrenia, his mania, and his narcissism. And on the day of our photo voice presentation 5 weeks later he told a room of 100 people how he was so thankful to work with me because I helped him find confidence within himself. On the day of the photo voice he also handed me a letter starting with "Hi Five" because that's how we always greeted each other. He told me I better graduate from the school because he'd be there for my graduation. It's times like that where I just have to remind myself that this is why I'm here. This is why I'm in Occupational Therapy school. I'm here to make a difference in others lives while they make an impact in mine as well. School is tough but at the end of the day this is something I am truly passionate about and want to be the best therapist I can be. Everything I am doing right now is for my future. The time is going by so fast and we'll be starting our spring quarter in less than 2 weeks and once that quarter is over we'll be considered OT2s!

Also earlier this month I was able to partake in the opportunity to meet OT interviewees during lunch to talk about the school and its crazy how a year ago I was in their shoes too. So much has happened within a year and it is so amazing to see myself here and being able to call myself an Occupational Therapy student! I love what I do and am excited for what I will do in the future. The present is hard but I try my best to be positive and hopeful for the future. Next quarter I will be doing my fieldwork in a Neuro-Rehab clinic in Phoenix and supposedly it's a really great site in Arizona so I feel like the stakes are high and am so nervous because neuro was TOUGH for me (also I got an 88 on the final which I am SO shocked over since I walked out of the exam teary eyed because I felt like I blanked out and didn't know anything even after studying my ass off for it) but I should be hopeful. Patiently waiting for my psychosocial grade but I hope I passed so I can officially celebrate.

But nonetheless... good job Char.

how I'm still here I really don't know
but I'm glad I am

some days are hard and unbearable
some days its hard to put a smile on my face
some days its hard to be a friend
some days its hard to get out of bed
some days its hard to even get myself to eat anything

but sometimes the days are better
sometimes they are lighter
sometimes they are easier
sometimes they are bearable

this past month there as been improvement
the good days have been outweighing the bad
I notice the insecurities still peeking through
and the fear of the uncertainties
the fear of the past repeating itself

but things are still better than they were before
the suicidal thoughts started to fade from everyday
to every other day
to every other...other day
I don't miss those thoughts


I really thought I was going to lose myself

I was doing so fucking well

why am I thinking about this shit again

stop stop stop

mind dump

You guys... I'm really fucking trying here. I'm really trying to do better by trying to think positively but it's hard because at the same time my body isn't having it. It doesn't want to feel better even when my mind is telling myself positive things. I'm really trying my best by reading articles, listening to podcasts, following therapists on IG to help with coping... I'm trying so hard here.

Never in my life have I felt as low as I do now. I've felt sad before but I actually had a reason to be sad. Now I'm just sad because that's what my mind feels and I honestly have no reason to be sad. I have no appetite, no energy, no motivation. I vocalize that today will be a new day, today I will be motivated, today I will get shit done. Yesterday I just spent a majority of the day asleep and if I wasn't asleep I was crying. It was a waste of a day. What's hard is that I know what's happening around me, I know my thoughts and fears sound stupid and annoying. And I know the things I feel anxious about are things I can control but I can't snap out of it. I know. I'm aware. But I feel like I can't do anything about it either. It's such a paralyzing thing to be anxious and depressed. It's so bad. It's not like I want to be this way and that's why I'm trying to retrain my thoughts. I left my apartment to study at Coffee Bean. I'm getting more done than I did yesterday but I keep getting notifications from my dogs back in my apartment. Every time I open up the app, they're barking. Then I overthink and get anxious that they're annoying my neighbors on a peaceful Saturday afternoon. Then I think I should go home to stop them because they don't bark when I'm home but at the same time when I'm home I don't get anything done. It's so hard. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly overthinking. Sometimes my anxiety can lead to feeling sad but some times I'm just sad for no reason. It's a weird cycle. I need to meet with my therapist again.

shame on me for actually thinking my life would reset

am I still sad and suicidal? yup but that's expected.

but am I making continuous efforts to actually shut off the negative thoughts? hell yes I am

it isn't easy one bit but it's been working. hopefully it becomes second nature to me and I can continue my journey towards happiness.

I do notice things getting better this year despite my negative thoughts in regards to my relationships with people. I like the effort on both ends. that's how it should have been long ago.