The waves push me further from the shore and the amount of space in my lungs begins to shrink. My body is sinking and all I can think of is letting go. The thoughts inside my mind begin to intensify the more my body goes into panic. My body wants to move and swim up to the surface but my limbs are locked, my eyes are shut, my lips are glued. I am trapped in something I loved. The ocean was comfort to me yet it is also the death of me. With my last few moments I picture those I love with a smile on their face and fight the urge to feel their hugs and not let go. I think of ripsticking around my neighborhood, making mud pies, and hiding boxes of treasure in my backyard. Staying up late drinking yogurt and Yakult and making snowman out of its bottles and waking up the next morning ready to jump into an inflatable pool while my mom serves us orange creamsicle smoothies and grilled cheeseburgers. I think of sneaking out of our grandma's house, hiding from parents, and living carefree.

How are you doing? I hope you are fine. These past couple days have been hard for me. You are on my mind and I am thinking about how you felt. Because I am terrified. Fighting my demons has not gotten easier as much as I want to, and try to lie to myself that it has. I want out of this world so many times... I cannot drown out my demons. I cannot shut them off. I feel fucking alone. I feel fucking selfish. I am angry with myself for being how I am. I hate myself. I hate who I've become. I look at the mirror and want to cry. I don't know who I am. I feel like I don't deserve the relationships in my life and I feel like I'm sabotaging them. I don't feel supported. I don't feel anything. There are people I want to talk to but when I get the chance to, I don't know what to talk about. I don't feel worthy. I fucking miss you. I still can't come to acceptance of it. I can't forget you and I will never forget you. Every time I think of my childhood you're there with me. Please visit me again. The silence around me is making me go crazy.