The days have definitely been rough. My health hasn’t been great and I feel like it may have just been a result of my body being under a lot of stress. It’s either that or I’m here freaking out that I have this virus. I can’t be around people other than my parents in this house. They aren’t letting me let in other people in the house. At times like this I fucking wish I could have some sort of company with me. 

My mental health hasn’t been great. Part of me feels so alone in this. I know I have people who are willing to be there for me and are okay with me reaching out but a part of me doesn’t want to because I’m scared. I don’t know exactly what I’m scared of but I just feel it. My body feels constantly tired. I feel numb. I’m holding back my tears every day. I feel so empty. I feel so alone. I know I can’t keep asking people for comfort and help. I keep telling myself I need to stop bothering people and just get through this on my own. It’s just been so… fucking… hard. I can’t open up to my parents. Growing up I’ve always had a hard time expressing my feelings to them because I feel like their response is always so generic. We never really open up to each other about how we feel. 

I’m scared for myself. I’m trying really hard to be strong for others but I’m having a really hard time. I’m in this downwards spiral and I thought being home in CA would help me not be in my thoughts like I was in AZ but I feel like it’s exactly the same. In fact I sometimes wish I was back in AZ because I could stay in bed all day and no one would make me get up. But I guess in hindsight, it’s good my parents are making me get out of bed. I really don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling at all…. There’s so much in my head right now and it’s making me sad that I can’t reciprocate it onto paper or onto this post. Everything in life right now just feels pointless. I’m tired.