12: Cream Party & Farewells

It's another cold winter in California so I'm here bundled up in my onesie I received as a Christmas gift from my best friend Michelle and sipping on juice I bought from Juice Served Here in Pasadena (Flavor: 12-Cream Party) earlier today. I also cleaned my face off prior to this and even reorganized my make up table to be able to make room for my laptop when I feel like blogging.

I have pretty much neglected this blog for the past couple of months due to such a stressful and overwhelming semester as I was currently enrolled in one of the hardest Child Development classes at school along with 4 other classes, applying for transfer, working on the youth, and honestly just enjoying life in the moment. I could have written sooner, in fact I have a draft of me beginning a post of my stay in the East Coast for my first week of winter break, but I really don't plan on finishing it.

Life is going pretty great as of today but I have lost the passion to pursue a lot of things that I found solitude and security in. Sadly having to admit that one of the passions is the passion I had last year to pursue God. I look back at my old entries every now and then and get pretty upset, not at God but at myself, because I no longer seek Him. I guess the reason why I felt so motivated last year was because everything was so new to me. Never before have I experienced God's love the way I did last year. Sadly, life took its grand toll which caused me to slowly stray away from God. But I am ready to pick up right where I left off and seek His love once again. Last year, I was constantly blessed (or at least aware of) with love from not only God, but from the youth. It's not that I don't feel loved anymore, I do, but it's a lot different. Last year I was surrounded by people who had the biggest hearts and eagerness to seek God and His greatness. Their journey's then inspired me to see what all this awesome fuss was about. I sought God, I felt God, I fell more and more in love with Him than I ever did. The fire within me was so "lit" and I felt nothing but excitement to constantly surround myself with other children of God. I guess my faith just fell stagnant as I lost the fire within me. I honestly don't feel as excited anymore and if I could be honest, I guess it's because I slowly became preoccupied in other things and lost sight of what God was doing in my life and just fell comfortable in it. But I miss the flame I had and I am so motivated to start the new year fresh. The great thing about faith is although we sometimes fall short and even stray from God, He never strays from us and is always welcoming us back. I am determined to continue my walk once more as well as inspire the youth to be just as excited as well.

But how has life been treating me nonetheless? Amazing. I have amazing friends, a blessed family, and a loving man in my life. I feel loved every single day and I would never trade it for anything else.  I am reminded that I am loved through them when I feel insecure about my walk with the Lord or just insecure about myself and the future I have planned for myself. I still continue to strive to reach my goals although it has slowly been tweaked. In fact, I would have to say this winter break has been one of the best ones in a long time. Maybe it's because I traveled, maybe it's because I kept myself busy every day, maybe it's because I have things to look forward to, maybe it's because I get to spend time with all my cousins again, maybe it's because I rekindled some relationships, or maybe it's a little bit of everything. I really pray for some people that I no longer talk to and really, truly hope they're doing fine. I pray that through this year, they learn to forgive one another and start fresh. I still hope for the best towards those who have hurt me, who have strayed, and who have negative thoughts towards me. I was in a pretty bad place in the beginning of the year and I was pretty hurt. I do look back on it a lot, and I honestly do share the story with many people who want to know about it, but I do it with confidence because I am no longer hurting over it. I learned to see the big picture and I can't thank God enough for putting me in that position because I don't think I'd be anywhere near where I am today if it wasn't for it. I truthfully miss the friendships that I have lost through it, but I know through God's time, we can learn to forgive one another each and maybe even become friends again. But as of right now, I'm completely fine with the way things are. I have accepted it and have completely moved on through all the emotions that were involved with it. I have met someone who loves me. Who really, truly, loves me and who I can talk to, be myself with, and just be accepted nonetheless. I have never experienced a relationship as true and genuine as this. But I am thankful and blessed that it's with someone who also loves God and that I can grow with.

I have set some simple, hopefully easy to reach, goals for myself for this coming new year:

• Continue your walk with God every day
• Eat healthier, drink lots of water, work out more often
• Read more, write more
• Continue to love yourself and really let those you love feel loved
• Be patient with yourself and others
• Take care of yourself and others
• Make time for yourself and those you love

I am excited to see what 2016 has to offer... what GOD has to offer. What/who will come and what/who will go. I'm really looking forward to the future and I pray that I can become who God wants me to be and to live the life what will please Him.

God Bless to whoever is reading this.
Charlene

Him

I've been greatly blessed these past couple of months.

I am blessed with an amazing guy who makes me feel loved and truly beautiful. Every detail I saw flawed in myself has been called perfect to him. Every tear that has fallen down my cheek was wiped by him and his presence during these times. The pieces of my broken heart has been picked up and was carefully and beautifully sewn back to place. Every mistake in my past has been forgiven and accepted with him. What's even better is his love for God and seeing him grow the past years has been an amazing view. From the way he holds my hand and brings it close to his lips to when he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight makes me feel luckiest girl alive. The way he reassures me of his intentions and when he would randomly wake up in the middle of the night to tell me he misses me and loves me brings out the biggest smile on my face. I have never met another like him before and I am so glad I've gotten to know him as a best friend before a lover. Everything fell into place for us and I feel like this is God's perfect timing to have us fall in love with one another.

People may not understand what we have but that doesn't matter. What matters is how we make one another feel. I've always known about God's love and parental/family/friendship love, but I believed I have never learned what love was from a significant other. Now that I have experienced all of these, I realized that this love is so similar to God's love for me. I am thankful to have met a man with a burning desire and love for God and that we can grow together as children of God. I love that we are both on the same spiritual path with keeping God in the center of our lives and our relationship. I am thankful that my dreams, aspirations, and even my body is respected through him. I pray for our bond and I pray it prosper to a relationship that expresses and signify's God's intentions of relationships. We are so comfortable around each other and I never feel pressured to do something that makes me uncomfortable. I have met someone who is patient with me and who is understanding of my temper, my fears, and my doubts. I have met someone who cares about my happiness and will do his best to keep me happy. I really hope he feels my love for him is genuine and that I never want to lose him. If something were to happen that would separate us, I pray for his happiness and I pray to stay in contact with him. He will always have a big spot in my heart and in my life.

Seeing him in pain hurts me. It saddens me when I can't conjure the right words to make him feel better and I hate when I can't physically be there for him through the hard times in his life. I pray for the ability to remind him how much I care and that I will always try my best to be there for him even if it isn't through physical presence. He means so much to me and losing him would tear me apart. He's been in my life for the past couple of years and I just can't imagine life without him anymore--even as a best friend. I pray for God's healing touch and for a miracle. I pray for strength and positivity. I pray for an abundance of time with him in the future. I pray for his health, his safety, and even his sanity. I pray everything works out. I know it sounds selfish to ask for more time but I don't want to lose him. It pains me when he thinks negatively about himself or a situation. I want to be able to lift him up and make him feel better. I place all my fears and I place our relationship at God's feet. None of this would have been possible if it wasn't through God's blessings and grace. I owe it all to him to have even met such an amazing guy.

I need to remember to trust God through the good and bad times.
But I'm crazy about him.
& so thankful he's in my life.

Hand Me Down

My mom was cleaning out her closet last night and gave me a couple of her silk button ups with an early 90s vibe to it (which I am currently wearing one of them). It's kind of weird thinking about some hand me downs. We learn to give away things we once loved or once found interest in because our opinions change, our tastes are different, or it just doesn't fascinate us how it once used to.

Not to sound like a "Debbie-Downer" but it's crazy to think this is how relationships are. One of my biggest fears about a relationship is having the other person, or even myself, wake up one morning and no longer love the other person. In relationships, there's so much talk about "forever" but as they get older, one of the lessons they have learned is that people change, feelings change, and "forever" is then thrown away. If we want to talk about "forever" then we can talk about God's forever and His promise to us, His children. Worldly relationships make me feel uneasy because of how temporary many of them are. God's love is forever and eternal. When I was younger I couldn't fully grasp God's love for some reason. Maybe it was hard for me to believe because of my little faith at the time mixed with the constant threats the world and the devil threw at me. In my early high school years, I was so blinded from God's love that I began to think maybe He wasn't listening or that He wasn't around.

As my faith strengthened, my understanding of who He is began to clear up. I'm not saying that my life is perfect now, but it's learning to trust that God has a plan for me--for all of us. I have always struggled with trusting others because of the many times I have been let down. God never lets us down. He knows the past, the present, and the future. His love for us will protect us and His plan is only to help us prosper. I understand that being a believer is not easy. For others, they tend to face more struggles on the daily that eventually don't seem manageable. Through this, they fear that growing closer to God will only add on to their problems because, "God doesn't give us whatever we can't handle". But we also have to always remember, "[We] can do all things through Him who gives [us] strength" (Philippians 4:13). So I say, we shouldn't fear growing closer to God and learning more about Him. Yes, He allows the devil to tempt us, take things away from us, etc. but He also told him he can do anything as long as he doesn't kill us or touch us (or in context, Job). It may be fearful to think that more trails and hardships may come our way, but I trust that growing closer to God will also mean God will save us from what is bringing us down. I'd rather go through hardships with God by my side than worldly things or even going through it alone. Wouldn't you?

We are given free choice whether or not to choose to follow God or continue to follow the world. I choose to be who I was brought in this world to be--a child of God. I am very thankful for the hardships and for the dark moments in my life because without them, I wouldn't be able to see God's love at all. To see His light, His promise, His work. "The light shines in the darkness, and darkness has not overcome it" (John 1:5). God overpowers all evil, isn't that amazing?! John 11:10 states, "But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles because the light is not in him." This shows what will happen to us if God is not in our lives. Without God in our lives, there is an emptiness in our body that leaves us weak but with Him in our life, he lifts up our spirits and helps us. Our relationship with God shouldn't just be about waiting for an answered prayer, but more about working with God and be willing to seek him through the good times and the bad times.

God bless!

Maybe I'm Not Ready

To soften a heart takes trust. To soften a heart means, "I'll trust you won't damage the softest spots," and, "I think I'm ready to invite you in." To soften a heart, one must commit to one particular subject in their prayers. A softened heart may sound vulnerable but a hardened heart is tough to work with. Trust me I know. I've had my fair share of having to turn down guys because I was too fearful of commitment. That or I never met someone (in a sense) worthy enough of my time? I've been with guys who have been complete opposites of who I was and that only lead to arguments and heartbreaks. My heart hasn't soften in a while because I was too scared of getting hurt again. I was too scared to be vulnerable and turn into this girl I told myself and others I wasn't. My friend would tell me to pray that God will soften my heart, I prayed about it, and here I am fearing to accept that God has answered this prayer.

My heart and mind are constantly at war with one another. My mind shoots reality and the many consequences that may happen because I'm slowly cutting myself a little slack. My heart understands but cannot help but fight back. This battle gives me headaches and anxiety.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by

prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, 

let your requests be make known to God;

And the peace of God, which surpasses 

all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds

through Jesus Christ. 

Philippians 4:6-7

I'll be honest when I say I have done this before. I've poured out every bit of trust I had in me to Him. Trusting that He would guide me to where I selfishly wanted to be. To my own surprise, my prayers were answered and I received what I wanted at the time. Despite receiving an answered prayer, God decided to throw in some trails through this prayer. I got what I wanted for my own satisfaction but through the extra lessons God threw in my life, it taught me to trust in Him even more. I prayed every night that he would strengthen not only I, but the other people involved in the situation. Prayed for a softened and understanding heart, for patience, for trust, for happiness, and so on. I saw a new light in relationships and a "potential boyfriend" through this experience. Although I felt myself being so prepared and ready for a relationship, God used this opportunity to teach me or maybe show me what I should be looking for in someone I will be in a relationship with. I used to surround myself with guys who were of unequal yolk as I and I think that's why things never worked out. Here I was reaching for God while they were reaching towards a joint. 

I thought I was ready at the time. Ready to fight for this guy and ready to sacrifice some things as long as I was certain he would still be around at the end of the day. As much as I still wish things worked out, everything really does happen for a reason. A door closes for another to open and even though I'm scared to walk into the brand new door, I am slowly learning to move on. Slowly learning to accept the past and why things happen so I can learn to trust God more. Trust He will bring me closer to where I need to be each and every brand new day. As I write this, maybe I'm not ready. I might not be ready but I also know there's nothing wrong with that. It's okay if I'm not ready and it's okay if being in a relationship isn't one of my priorities right now. It's not only relationships I'm not ready for, but it's the whole process of growing up. I'm not ready to step out of my comfort zone that I've been in for 19 years and I'm not ready to transfer and reach for my dreams. I may not be ready but I also need not to let it hinder myself from growth. With God I can do all things. Through God I will be able to slowly transition to where I need to be as a child of God. Through these doors, I'll be able to learn about God and who I am as His child. 

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. 

Philippians 4:13

Your Cold Night Breeze

Breathe in.

I close my eyes and see your face
You looked at me with a soft grace
In your eyes and I knew it was time to brace
Myself for my own possible downfall in this place.

It's strong and unforgettable
And I realized I might actually be capable
Of letting another soul in and enable
This frozen heart to once again be able.

Breathe out.

Tis The Season of Graduation

I've been working on my social skills because I will admit that I can be very awkward to be around when first meeting someone. I've learned how to break the ice in a quiet room filled with hesitation and I've learned how to be a positive person to be around to make people feel comfortable and at ease. I don't see why some people are so mean to one another and expect people to be nice to them. Honestly, being happy and friendly with one another has shown me the ups of life. You meet new people and learn more every day.

I'm still awkward at times but for the most part, I would say I'm pretty outgoing.

Graduation season is coming up and it reminds me of my high school graduation and all the memories that come with high school. I will admit that I miss a lot of parts about high school. I regret being negative towards Walnut and how much I hated the school. I should have made the most of my high school experience instead of complaining about how much I wanted to get out of it. Maybe it's easy to say that now that I've graduated but at the time, I just really didn't like high school. In high school, I've made some life long friends (my girls~) and I do miss being able to see them all on a daily. College is tough when everyone is doing their own thing and a lot of us are far from one another. Most of my friends go to school far and another is transferring out of state next year. I wish I participated more in school clubs and I wish I talked to more people in my classes. At Mt. Sac, I've met people who I went to high school with and never talked to and found out how awesome they are as individuals. Then I ask myself, "Why did I never talk to them/see them around Walnut High?!" High school was pretty cool because I saw other people that I was friends with on the daily but that also means seeing people I didn't like on the daily either. I've learned to stop holding onto grudges though, so that's pretty neat. Going with the flow of life is a lot easier than trying to have a set plan for everything. I will never miss going to school early in the morning and school traffic. But I do miss some of my teachers such as Mr. Maynard, Mrs. Morgan and Mr. Luu. But I don't miss the homework and stress that some of those classes gave me. I wish I tried harder at school but at the same time I don't mind being at Mt. Sac. What I do  mind is being held back a year because of all the GE's and trying to get my Associates Degree at Sac. But it's cool. I guess what I miss most about high school is the friendships I've made with some people, the pep rally's, the games, and all that social stuff. High school has taught me a lot and I will cherish those years that helped mold me into the person I am today.

To those graduating:
Congratulations guys! You're out of high school :)! But... you're also out of high school :(. I hope you guys had a lot of fun wherever you went to school at and made amazing memories with some amazing people. You'll cherish the good times and grow from the bad but that cycle will continue for the rest of your lives. I can't speak too much about college because I haven't lived the whole "college experience" myself and I don't really think I plan to. Just trying to get my degree and start working. I hope you stay close with the people who stuck around with you throughout high school and I really hope you guys are happy with everything. If you're going to Grad Nite, have fun! Enjoy that night and honestly live it up with everyone one last time. Go dance, meet people, eat, and go on rides and have the time of your life. Good luck with your futures!

Charlene

Spring Mix

Update on life- I'm feeling amazing. Things have been in my favor lately and when a small bump comes up, I'll get over it hours later or the day after. I'm back with the youth again and picked up right where we left off, my friends and I are still making memories together, school is school (still stressful but there's nothing new there), and overall I'm feeling great. I've been changing up my diet and staying more hydrated so I've been feeling pretty energetic lately. I'll fit in a workout when I can but this belly will take a long while to go away.

With the days of absence from my blog, I've been reminded of so many things. Who cares what others think about you? All that matters is you're happy with who you are and who you surround yourself with. My friends and I are obnoxiously loud, I'll admit to that, but we're happy. We enjoy ourselves when we're together and that's all that matters to me because we're making new memories together. These people on the sidelines will only be in my life for that day or for a short while, but my friends are F0R3V3R~*~*~*~*~!! I've also been reminded that it's okay to let go of something that's been a hinderance in your growth. If you've been hurting over someone or something for a long time, the moment you let go is such a rejuvenating feeling. You literally feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. You can stand tall once again and keep going with your life and worry about more important things (like school and your health). It's okay to put yourself first for once. Never let anyone tell you what to do. I've always been beaten down because of my major or choice of education (community college) but I kept going and didn't give up. I worked as hard as I could for the grades I've earned and hard work does and will pay off. I've received opportunities from school that I never would have imagined receiving. Don't distance yourself from the youth for too long because they help you with your spiritual walk. My friends in the youth are great inspirations to me. They inspire me to be the best I can be and keep me on the right track- mentally and spiritually. As for my best friends. I miss them so much but every single time we're together again, it's one big celebration.

I have 8 more weeks of school left before a week of summer, 6 wks of summer school, and another month to rest. I also plan on getting a job this summer at a local Child Care Center. I cannot give up now. I also have the Spring Splash to look forward to with my friends in May. I have my Assistant Permit to look forward to, there's transferring, being accepted, and so on.

Anyways here's a couple of songs that have been on repeat the last couple of days:

• Jungle-Drake
• High Hopes-Kodaline
• Dreaming-Smallpools
• Tennis Court (Flume Remix)-Lorde
• Know Yourself-Drake
• The One-Kodaline
• Treat Me Like Somebody-Tink
• Deep-Auburn 
• Let It Go-James Bay
• Yesterday-Shanice
• Only One ft. Paul McCartney-Kanye West
• Jupiter Grayscale-Gallant 
• Alone-JSMN
• We Were In Love-Taku

Cheers!

Charlene

March Madness

This past month I've been trying this new thing where I kind of step out of the picture to take the time for myself. I've been trying to find sanity through all that's been happening lately. I am very much aware that my past couple posts have to do with me losing myself and slowly going crazy in the midst of it all, but I am not doing this for nothing. I've been trying to center my faith again and I've been working on becoming a stronger individual. I haven't been blogging much about it because I didn't feel ready to share it.

But as a recap... Yes. I have gone "crazy" the past couple weeks. I have had my fair share of laughter and tears. But I can assure you, I am getting better. I've had to cut ties I felt were unhealthy for me and the person involved. I am happier and I hope they are as well. I know I could have cut ties better with proper closure, but I don't know how to bring it up. It's already seemed it was inevitable. The past months have been me putting others before me. I just wanted them to be happy while I was tearing myself apart. I stuck around relationships I hoped would work and relationships I saw a bright future with. As time progressed, that bright future began to fade and I guess that's when I started to lose myself. I've been stressing with school, leadership with the church, a couple of friendships, and even my faith. Once the future dimmed, I didn't realize that I dug myself into this deep hole that wasn't easy to climb out of. I'm not fully "healed" and I don't know when I will be, but I am taking baby steps to get out of this annoying hole.

I do not get a spring break because my winter semester was long, but most of my best friends are currently on break and I'm trying to make as much time with them as possible. I love them so much and they really keep my mind off of things. Last week, my cousin was over for her break as well. I'm really just trying to fit in time for those who make me happiest. I've also started a new book called Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis! Hope to blog about it soon.

Anyway, today after class I went straight to Shivani's house and headed off to Long Beach to go kayaking. It was so fun! My arms are in so much pain but I want to say I got a good arm work out from it. Tomorrow, also after class, Shivani and I will be going to see The Vacationer in Santa Ana. Erica's going to Disneyland, I'm not too sure why Krystal can't come, and Raissa is in school still and it's hell week for PBL (I think that's what it's called).

Thinking Ahead

Currently playing: It Had To Be You-Frank Sinatra 

They always encourage us to do something we love in the future. They always tell us to do something that we will wake up excited about.

In all honesty, when I think about working with children in the future, I can't help but be excited about what is in store for me. Through lab and observations, I know things will not always be easy. Through my classes, I know that things can get extremely stressful and overwhelming. Although I want to become a Speech Pathologist, I don't really mind having teaching children as my Plan B. I always tell my family that respiratory therapy is my Plan B and all I ever get out of them is, "Oh, yes. That has great pay!" But isn't about the money. I haven't been around the environment of a Speech Pathologist yet but I do plan on working my way up soon. I want to get a lot of my classes out of the way but I also want to work and get experience and have a taste of my future before I realize it may be a turn around and I end up realizing I want to do something else in the future (which I doubt, but you never know). I guess transferring may have to get delayed a couple more semesters but I'd rather know what I'm getting into through hands-on experience. For the most part, watching a child explore the environment around them is exciting for me. They learn through action and through proper guidance.

There isn't an easy way through school but I learned that changing your attitude and perspective towards school helps ease the stress. I have to constantly remind myself that it will be worth it in the end. I wish teachers received more recognition and respect because they don't only teach a child what "1+1" is but they are also a friend, a therapist, a nurse, a mediator, and a plethora of other roles. Through the classes I've taken, there is so much work put in to just become a teacher. I feel like their work goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Majoring in Child Development has opened my eyes in many ways and I am very thankful for that reason. I'm trying to work at my own pace but there's always people telling me to pick up the speed. But like I said, I want to be able to work and gain experience and learn through there. I feel like that will help with the classes I'm taking. There's so many people in my classes that already work with children and share their experiences to the class and I just sit there and listen. God willing, I'll be able to work by summer.

Although we are all tired 24/7, keep going. Don't give up guys! I wish the best for everyone and may you all prosper doing something you love to do! Take care.

Charlene

CONSU[ME]D

The world around me is too big

To just be sitting in the same city

Time same room, the same park, the same classroom

Almost every day of the week

The world around me is too big

To go ignored or rescheduled 

Because I'm, "Too busy" or

I'm, "Too broke"

The world around me is too big

To live in sorrow over something so small

So petty

When I could be out making the best of my time

The world around me is too big

And too grand to not thank The Creator above

For something so beautiful

For something worth exploring

The world around me is too big

To not try to meet new faces

New friends, new restaurants, new coffee shops,

Or to be too scared for new beginnings

The world around me is too big

To not try new things

To not step out of my comfort zone

To not take some risks

I've always wanted to meet new people

To get insight on the unique traits we all carry

And to be inspired through them

And to grow

I've always wanted to meet people

Who were as broke as I was but still

Wanted to have a little fun and adventure 

With the little money we had in our pockets

I've always wanted to meet people

That I could share my crazy thoughts with

Or someone who wanted to just "chill"

With a movie and some drinks

I feel like I'm so trapped in this small city

Or trapped under schoolwork 

Or under too many expectations 

That I may have lost myself

[And lost my mind]

I want to go to cheap intimate $5 concerts

It doesn't even have to be an artist I know 

And just listen to new music

And find inspiration through it

But I also want to go to bigger concerts

And dance freely 

And get lost in the moment

Not having to worry about recording the song playing

I sometimes want to disconnect from the world

And find peace within myself

To learn to love myself again

As well as finding Him again

I feel like I've been so caught up with school

And petty problems in life

That I've lost a sense of who I am

Or what I've become

I feel like I've drifted from my faith

And stopped making time out of my day

To talk to the God above

To someone that can be my best friend

I feel like I've drifted from 

Things that I found comfort and solitude in

And getting back in it 

Would be too foreign to me

Such as music, art, reading

Because I've just ran out of time

Or I'm too tired to make time

Or too lazy to find time

Constantly feeling drained 

Out of focus 

Tired

Useless 

Give me some time

I'll be back

Speed

Everything is happening so fast lately. With such a fast pace, I feel I have very little time for myself. Not much time to relax or do what I like--such as writing, reading, drawing, playing instruments, etc. I would LOVE to have the extra time for all that but I've been so clustered under all my schoolwork and other responsibilities.

Once my winter semester ended, I barely was able to catch up on sleep but after that quick week, here I am back in school. Being a full-time student is no joke and I've also been pretty stressed with the path I'm taking in my educational career. I was so set on becoming a Speech Pathologist and reaching for this goal through majoring in Child Development. Luckily, one of my professors this semester is a Speech Pathology major and we planned a day this week to sit down and talk about the options I can take to reach my goal. She told me straight up how stressful the program is and all these things to expect from it. It scared the hell out of me. If I think I'm stressed now, imagine once I transfer and work on my major.

Growing up is overwhelming. Trying to plan everything on your own and choosing which course suits you best is not as easy as it sounds. There's so much to choose from that I don't even know what's best for myself anymore.

Despite the rush of life, I was able to participate in another open mic. This time not with my poetry, but with a video instead. I'll probably post it on my blog as soon as I set it up on Youtube or something. Filmed in Michelle's house, around Walnut, and around LA. Visited places such as, Alfred Coffee, UCLA, Melrose, and even Kanye & Frank Ocean's neighborhood????!?!?! Pretty fun filming the whole this with Raissa, John, and Chris. I received great feedback after playing my video on Saturday at the open mic.

Kind of wish time slowed down a little bit because I really need it. Other than that, things are going well. Still stuck in certain situations I wish were forgotten and/or forgiven, but we can't always get what we want. In all honesty, I feel like because of my schedule, I've slowly lost the time I should be saving for God. I've been drifting from my daily devotionals and even my parents and I haven't done our family devotionals in a long while. I need to get back on track because I would not be where i am if it wasn't for Him and the abundant blessings and opportunities in my life.

Recoup

I think I've lost myself these last couple of weeks.

Being too focused on one thing has strayed me from other things in my life that I believe are much more important. I have been beating myself up and hurting myself when I know better than to allow myself to let this happen. I'm trying to pick myself back up even if it means having to cut ties with some people or just distance myself for a short while until I find myself again. I have been so sad these past weeks and it's really distracting. I'm skipping meals, I'm not studying for my classes, I have become irritable and emotional, I haven't been so active… I'm concentrated on looking for songs that describe how I'm feeling because I am at a loss for words and I can't even decipher how I feel.

What do you do when you want something to work out so bad but every sign you get tells you that it's no longer worth fighting for? Some people really don't care. They don't care about your day, your feelings, what makes you happy, what hurts you… They don't care. Sometimes they don't intentionally push you away but they aren't doing anything to keep you near to them as well. I guess that's what bothers me because I begin to knock myself down again. Repeating what I used to say about myself--that I'm never going to be good enough but I know I'm good enough for someone. I have to stay positive because all this negativity just causes unnecessary stress.

On the bright side, I have been talking to old friends that I haven't talked to in a while. I'm really trying my hardest to find time for my friends but I fear that since things are getting bad again, I might just isolate myself from the world. I'm really trying to not let it happen again though. It isn't fun at all and if anything, company is a great remedy and a great distraction from haunting thoughts. There is a time when to know when to distance yourself from people who no longer help you grow but it does not mean ignore every person who is trying to get close to you.

I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to focus on my own path and I am trying to find myself again. The sadness will not win--I refuse to let it.

But am I a fool for always staying because I keep telling myself that it'll work out on its own one day?

Charlene

I'm Not An Animal.

There is no harm in a compliment… to an extent. I will accept your compliment. Thank you for thinking I am pretty. Thank you for liking my shoes. Thank you for appreciating my make up for today.

Thank. You.

What I will not thank you for is a sexual remark or any action that will make me feel uncomfortable not only in my body and my thoughts but with my overall safety. It scares me that some men think girls should be THANKING them through their remark along the lines of, "Tasty panties" or "Hey beautiful can I get a taste of you?" No. In no way is that a compliment! How dare you call females rude for not being able to thank you in response to a "compliment" like that. "Cat calling" or whatever you want to call it is not okay. A stranger to stranger interaction is even worse. I understand that males are targets of cat calling as well, but the majority of victims are females. Their age does not matter.

I was having a photo shoot with my best friend down Amar when these men in different trucks who were driving by would roll down their windows and shout at us. It was a gloomy day, we were fully clothed with sweaters, stockings, coats, pants, and yet they still thought we were asking for a compliment or drawing attention to ourselves. They would shout things like, "Aye!" "Hey Mami," and so on. It was a quick line because they were in a moving vehicle. I understand that may not seem sexual, but they were trying to get our attention as if calling after a cat or a dog. Was it necessary to roll down your window and share your piece of mind? There was one truck who even made a U-turn to get back on the side of the street we were on. Can you already imagine how fearful we became? My friend and I turned around and RAN up the hill to hide. We were scared. We quickly ran back to my car and drove off.

In another instance, I was on my way home from school one hot day (let's think about how hot it gets in California). Just before, I had a presentation for my speech class and it was required we dress up. I wore slacks and a button up with an undershirt. My car was hot after class so I had to blast the air conditioner. I felt tight in my button up so I decided to remove it to help cool me off faster. The seatbelt was pressed on my chest making my bust appear bigger and as I was slowing down to stop at a red light, the car next to me gives me a honk and I turn out of curiosity and see two older men smiling and staring at me. They were nodding their heads, raising their eyebrows, and waving at me. I was alone in the car and I was just ready to speed off once that light turned green.

Bottom line, I feared for my life both times. Those two are not the only times something like that has happened to me. It's gotten to the point where I grew so much fear to just walk somewhere alone. I've even had an instance where I walked out of a public restroom wearing leggings and an oversized sweater and a group of guys thought it would be fun to surround me and follow me for a short while and circle around me. They began speaking in another language and started to laugh when they knew I was getting scared. I remained quiet throughout that moment because I did not want to start anything. I literally had to walk it out until they decided to stop.

How dare you blame females! "She was asking for it, look what she's wearing." It's like pulling a guys pants down and saying he was asking for it because he was sagging, but really, he just enjoys sagging that's how he chooses to dress. How dare you say women cannot wear what they feel comfortable in because they're "asking for attention". We should feel confident to express ourselves without living in fear that someone will disrespect us at least once throughout the day. Cat calling is disrespectful, demeaning, deHUMANIZING, etc. If you think catcalling will score you a date with a girl, the honest truth is it will do the complete opposite. This is a form of sexual harassment and must come to an end. Don't even catcall as a joke because no one is laughing but you and your immature friends. Women are not objects, we are not an animal, we are human. We deserve every right to choose how we want to live our lives, what we want to wear, and being able to go wherever we want without praying no one will harass them on the street. We should not have to feel endangered when running errands alone. Catcalling really increases women's fears of being a victim of sexual assault. This needs to end.

Know how to give a proper compliment or don't give one at all. There is a difference between, "Excuse me, how are you doing?"/"You look lovely today" and "Aye lemme see whats under that dress!"/"Ay ma!" Throw these trashy actions away.

"Depth over distance was all I asked of you
And everybody round here's acting like a stone
Still there's things I'd do, darling, I'd go blind for you
If you let it go sometimes, let it go sometimes, let it go
Just let it go sometimes"

I just wanted to share this beautiful song by Ben Howard called "Depth Over Distance". I think it is a beautiful song with a heart jerking meaning behind it. I feel like I can relate to this song in many different ways and I hope you guys can take the time to listen to this! To me, I would say this is most certainly one of those "beautifully haunting" songs that really make the listener sit back and take in every feeling that the song puts in them.

Welcoming the New Year

Haven't been posting on here because I've been enjoying my 3 weeks of winter break. I was not able to do some things planned pre-break, but I really did enjoy my short vacation. I caught up with many friends and made new ones along the way. Glad to have a grand holiday season this year! Family all came together from far places. Stress level has decreased and many blessings have been present. But sadly, we're back to school tomorrow.

Welcoming the New Year is not as grand for me anymore. The whole "new year, new me" saying does not go for me. I don't believe there has to be a new year to be a new person. Along the way, I have learned that one must want and be open to change to make a change. It does not have to be a new year to become a new person because we all have those experiences that give us a slap in the face to change. Or, it's just a reflection period and telling yourself it's time to start working on a better individual you can become. When it came to the famous New Year's Resolution, I never really followed through with it. But if I had to make one now it would be:

• Never stop walking with The Lord
• Learn to accept whatever comes your way

My resolutions used to be:

• Eat healthy and exercise 
• Keep your room clean
• Stop cursing
• …& so on

Growing up I learned that life is so much more than just those simple resolutions above. I agree that I really should start eating healthier and start working out more consistently, but what about reaching out to the less fortunate? Being a better me? Start inviting more friends to church or to bible studies? I need to learn to become more Christ-like and becoming more patient and forgiving with those around me because I tend to lose my temper easily.

But honestly, 2014 alone taught me so many things:

• God never makes mistakes. There is a purpose to everything! Keep your faith and trust onto Him and he will provide. 
• Your group of friends will shrink and these people will have their own set of friends, but at the end of the day, you will always be there for one another no matter what.
• A good relationship with family is key.
• You will lose friends but you will make new ones no matter what. 
• Time alone is crucial. Use this time to reflect on your actions and to learn more about yourself and the God given tools that are handed to you. 
• Be a blessing to others. 
• It is okay to open your heart again, but you have to remember that you will be heartbroken every here and there.
• Fight for what you believe in and fight for someone you care about. 
• Death is inevitable but it is important to always cherish your time for your loved ones. Take every opportunity to be with them and make the most with the time you have together.
• Surround yourself with friends who help you grow and improve--not friends who will bring you down.
• School is a pain in the butt but you can't give up now. 
• Love everyone, as well as your enemies. 
• Family time is important.
• Not everyone will like you, but that's okay. 
• Do not push away those who truly care about you and who want to help. 
• Walking with God makes living a whole lot better even though there are many tribulations that come our way. 
• Give people time alone before you make any quick decisions that may taint a friendship. 
• Some of the best things in life do not come to you easily. 
• Keep "doing you" and God will provide. 
• Don't listen to what people say when they try to bring you down and step on your dreams!!!
• Concerts are super fun to attend and you make great memories. 

When you take the time to reflect on the journey of your life, you see that everything is one big blessing. You must always thank The Lord above for all he is doing in your life. Sometimes we hit rock bottom and don't know how to get out of the deep hole we fall into, but honestly prayer is important--Prayer and growing a strong relationship with Him above. We may not hear Him speak but through us He is making a way. I'm sure we all believe that, "actions speak louder than words," so take a step back and look at all the things He has done in your life. How can you not feel blessed? 

May you all have a great year! 

Charlene