for I sit in the dark 

searching the spark 

for the woman I worked so hard to be

for the woman who started to feel free 

she had a taste of freedom 

what it was like to be her own 

she cried in peace, with no one to please

danced through the floors as she was blown

from music of those and her own

a square footage of peace 

that always put her mind at ease 

with a new list of responsibilities 

that still, never hid any possibilities 

I grieve for the woman I worked so hard to be

signed a letter of condolence to no addressee 

I know she is somewhere near

waiting for the all clear 

to come out once again 

with no abstain

and no refrain

free from pain 

-C.L

I Thought I Was Better

 I promise you I was okay, for the most part. Despite my last couple of entries here. Mentally, I thought I was stronger. I may not be where I was last year, and these negative thoughts did not start as early as they did the last couple of years that's for sure. But I guess sometimes things are too good to be true. It's so hard to not worry about the future... Where I'll be in 6 months, my boards, being able to pay off my loans, find a ~big girl~ job, lose weight again, clear my skin, be mentally stronger, will I be a fiancé anytime soon?! haha there's so many things that are about to unravel in 2022 and I'm honestly a little scared. The thought of everything is starting to honestly shut my body down. 

I have 1.5 weeks left of fieldwork and I've been starting to study for my NBCOT exam. I spend a lot of time in front of the screen but wonder if I'm even truly studying. Am I really understanding anything I'm reading? Some things don't really click well. I don't know if it's because I feel like I cannot fully commit to it yet because I am in fieldwork. I don't know if it's just because I need to reteach myself how to study. Am I studying too early? I don't know what it is. I think I'm just slowly falling into that slump that I usually feel around this time of the year. I just feel like isolating myself from everyone again. I don't feel like socializing. I don't feel like myself. I hate so much about myself right now actually. I feel like no one wants me around. I don't know what it is. 

Anyways, I wish I had someone who could sit me down and help me study. Talk to me, quiz me, ask me about what I'm learning so that I could verbally recite it and teach someone about what I'm learning to reassure me that I actually am studying... but as of right now I am tired. my mind is tired. I dont even know if anything I am typing makes sense honestly. I dont feel like these sentences are flowing. 

I don't care.

I don't know. 

I really thought I was doing better. 

Negative Nancy

 The future is so uncertain and the thought of trying to plan for it makes me both anxious and burnt out. I want a good future for myself and for those I love. I want to be able to live comfortably and have the means to afford things that can help ease stress and make life a little more bearable. There's so many things I wish to do and try but everything costs money. I'm 26 years old with no job, barely any savings, living like I have a steady income. I feel guilty when buying things sometimes because I know it isn't my money. I owe my parents so much for providing me with a wonderful life. I only wish to be able to repay them for all their sacrifices and generosity. I think about my potential debt from school and feel overwhelmed with a payment plan. Even if I were to pay it off aggressively it would still take me 6-8 years to pay off. By then I'd be in my mid 30s before feeling even an ounce of financial freedom. I pray to have the energy to be able to push myself to work overtime for a couple of years. I hope me being more active at work will help me with losing weight again. I feel horrible for gaining back all the weight I've worked hard to lose when living in AZ. My skin is shit. But I've honestly just learned to accept my skin at this point. But my clothes are starting to feel tight again, my confidence is going down, ugh. 

If I could end this short post on a positive note: at least I don't feel as depressed as I did this time last year plus I am not feeling suicidal. Yay

I've put so much pressure on myself to be a certain way, act a certain way, and look a certain way to the point where I feel like I have such an identity crisis. I'm in constant battle of being who I am and being someone everyone else wants me to be. It's even harder when my parents and society have different expectations of me. I feel exhausted. I feel like living alone helped me discover myself but being back home only brought me back a few hundred steps from the progress I was already making. Now I almost forgot what I was like and how I felt in Arizona. I wish I still journaled during that time. 

I miss my cousin. 

I hate that I measure my value through verbal affirmations from others. It's actually one of my top love languages but I also find it possibly debilitating because not receiving words of affirmation makes me feel inadequate or incapable. As if I am undeserving of something because I do not get any verbal feedback or words of praise. It's almost as if I self sabotage and pick myself apart if I don't get told I am doing something right. I've been in a pit of self doubt for the past week now as I begin my final rotation. I do not see myself in an outpatient community based setting, nor did I expect a job offering considering the format of the setting and it literally just needing one OT, so I can't help but compare myself to my classmates in different settings. They've been getting job offers post-grad and I feel stuck because I know I wouldn't be getting any. I got positive feedback at the end of my 2A rotation but I still feel like it isn't enough to be offered a job. I mean I was told to apply to Spooner Phoenix because they were expanding but it's still different from being good enough to be told they want me as part of their team. Am I reading too much into it? Anyways, I also have always wanted to work with kids. I love working with that population and enjoyed the times that I did but I didn't get any full time experience with it during school so I'm scared I wouldn't be prepared or capable for a position in that setting. I always hear that you are more likely to receive an offer in a setting you had experience in but due to COVID, my 1B/C rotations were canceled. 1A was also community based, and I did pretty well in it but I still don't see myself in that setting as a new grad. Neuro and mental health could have been interesting but I was canceled and lucked out. 2A was in hand therapy and I did enjoy it but did my CI's genuinely see me excelling in that setting? I don't know. I think I just pick myself apart too much but I'm at the point where I genuinely do not know what setting I could be good at. I'm hoping to get some sort of experience and hours at a hospital setting or just anything to get my foot in the door honestly. I want to try to remind myself that this shouldn't determine my worth as an OT. I am capable, I am worthy of this. I don't know, I just find it so hard to say affirmations to myself when I genuinely feel stuck in life right now. All I can do with this time is to study for my boards and see how I feel with everything by the end of the year. I'd honestly feel so bummed if I didn't pass my first time... UGH stop it Char. 

 I wish I had spent more of my 20s living as carefree as I did in high school. I wish I had spent these past years (damn I turn 26 tomorrow), living unapologetically and putting myself and my happiness first. Not saying the days were wasted but I wish I lived more in the present as I've been living ever since moving out. I fear that being back home will keep me cooped up in my room again. If only this damn pandemic was gone, I'd probably have a much more organized schedule and a nice healthy routine for myself. I've now started my last rotation, it's a little weird but because of it's weirdness, it's what makes it laid back and chill. I wish there were more things I could do but I'm only 3 days in, who knows what will be added in the weeks to come. I wish I had more opportunities to explore. I wish I wasn't so fearful of everything, wish I didn't live my days buried under anxiety, wish I loved myself and my body more... wish I looked better, wished I was better, etc. I think this is why I look forward to being officially moved out and being able to live on my own accord. Going where I am to go, wearing what I want to wear, eating better (although I am so grateful for my mom feeding me lol), being in my own solitude if I wanted to, and just having any necessary space and solitude. 

I hope to continue to find ways to be happy with being alone, heal my inner self, take risks, make friends, and explore during 26. I think I deserve this and I owe it to myself to find joy in my life again. 

Cheers. 

C

Aug 17 [[draft]]

I am 9 days away from graduating. 60% of my apartment has been cleaned out, brought back to CA, or has been sold. I can't help but sit in the center of my living room floor and just taking in the silence of having my own space. My mental health was still pretty shitty throughout 2020 but I can't deny that being away from home has also helped me be better at coping with my thoughts. I need these days of not having to open my mouth to talk to anyone. I need the space available to be sad and cry things out if I need to. I have so much appreciation for this chapter in my life that has helped me reconnect with myself and to challenge myself to get to know who I am. To learn what I need, what I want, and what I deserve. I am so thankful for the things I've learned how to do since moving out on my own. I am thankful for a space big enough to dance freely around, to cry in peace, and to create memories in. With the few days I have left here, I am soaking in everything about it. Not having to hear fireworks in the middle of the night like I do back home, that's for sure. As much as I'd like to write more about how much I love my apartment and the past 2 years being away from home, that's not really the reason I've decided to pick my laptop up and write at 2 in the morning. 

It's really draining being constantly stressed and anxious over the smallest of things and not feeling in control. I need that stability but a request such as that is unrealistic. I feel like I need to constantly be busy but I am also so drained. I have all these things planned for the next 2 weeks and I literally will only have 2 days to myself. 2 days. I am also feeling another wave of sadness but it's probably more because I am closing this chapter in my life I once was so anxious about. Before writing this post, I had looked back and read my posts about being rejected to a bunch of OT programs, being scared of long distance working out, being stressed and anxious about school, etc. It's so crazy how life works and how important it is to trust in God and His plan for us. 

slippin'

but why

I'm back in therapy again and have had 4 sessions so far. It's started to get really bad and getting through the day becomes harder. There's so much pent up in me that's continued to build and build and build. It's become so heavy, blinding, and painful. I can't explain it. I've tried so hard to keep myself busy. I'll try texting some friends, ask if anyone's available to grab a bite to eat, draw, watch new series, etc. but at the end of the day I just sit in my solitude feeling so empty. I can't help but cry. I also think about how my time in Arizona is coming to an end. It's a bittersweet feeling. I've learned so much, tried to step out of my comfort zone when I could, made new friends, learned how to do so much on my own. I am happy to be moving back to California at the end of August but a part of me also doesn't want to. I love being alone without feeling any responsibility to leave my room and engage in small talk when I don't feel like it. I love being able to be sad and cry alone, haha. A part of me also enjoyed feeling "free". Not internally and maybe not even physically but I liked being far from a lot of things??? BUT at the same time I hated being far from a lot of things. I couldn't be home when my cousin passed away, I couldn't be there for family gatherings, I couldn't be there for my boyfriend when he needed me to be, etc. I think about how my time is coming to an end and wishing I could just stay a little longer because I'm scared. Maybe I'm scared to come home and have to face things I thought I could run away from or just being around people I don't want to be around. 

I was told to keep myself busy and damn it I've honest to God have been trying to. My therapist told me that on days where I feel like not doing anything, to just do something anyways. To do something that requires movement. But before it could even get to that point, I need to write down a list of what I could do on days like that. The list had to be attainable and short so it wouldn't overwhelm me and here's my current list:

• Get out of bed and wash my face and brush my teeth 
• Clean the dishes
• Pack my clothes 
• Pack things in my apartment I'm going to bring home
• Sell things before I move out 
• Step outside and walk around my apartment at least once a day

I was also told to be honest with myself and to acknowledge the things I feel. That it is not selfish of me to ask for what I need. To stop finding excuses to justify the hurt people around me is causing me. To love myself and respect myself. To take care of myself the way I take care of others. She told me to find myself again and to not run away from my fears and face them head on. She told me to lean onto my support system and to think about the people who genuinely love me and who've shown time and time again their love for me. I thought about that for a while. Who would be willing to drop things last minute or any time to just talk to me? Who's been there to check on me? Who's been there to help keep me company without prying it out of me to open up? Who's showed their understanding and patience with me? Who do I genuinely feel loved from? The list isn't long. It's only a couple of people but I am so thankful for them. 

Everyday I am at war with myself because I want to be better. I want to not feel this way. I hate rollercoasters but my mental health is sure in one never-ending one. But I put in the damn effort when I can. I try to face it head first. There are things I feel like I know I need to do in order to heal but I'm scared to do it. I'm scared for change. I'm scared for reality. I'm scared. 

 I wish I could love myself. 

I hate how I feel towards how I perceive myself. I hate that I am never satisfied with myself. I hate feeling like I am never enough... for myself or for anyone. I hate the fact that I hate every inch of my being. I look at myself in pictures and videos and am so fucking disgusted with myself. I hate how often I dissociate with reality. I am tired of feeling empty. I am becoming so drained trying to be strong and present for others but not putting in that effort for myself. I hate that I always feel so lost. I hate that I look for reasons to numb everything and to ignore everything. I hate that I look for those things but not know what to do at the same time. I hate that I have lost motivation to do the things I once loved. I hate that I depend on others to make me happy. I hate that I feel like a nuisance to everyone. I hate that I randomly text my friends to find someone to talk to but still feeling like a bother. I hate that I tell myself excuses to justify my worth. I hate that I've accepted this reality. I hate that I feel like this is what I deserve. I hate feeling fucking empty all the time. I am always wanting to meet new people to numb whatever the fuck I feel inside. I hate when I feel like ending myself. I hate that I still feel this way even after getting off the pill. I hate that people only give a fuck when I cry. 

I'm so tired, man. 

So. Fucking. Tired. 

My life the last 8 weeks has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. It's crazy because I feel like internally I feel the same as I have for the past 3 years: alone, empty, sad, and numb but there's also a very small part of me that feels hopeful. I'm not sure what I'm feeling hopeful for because I'm still overwhelmed with so much anxiety on the daily but that small sliver of hope keeps me going. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with this journey I'm in right now. I'm okay with not knowing but holding onto something that gives me purpose. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "I love this life" out of no where with nothing present to make me realize this that life is great. But as I sit alone in my apartment at 10pm on a Saturday night, I feel grateful. I feel grateful for this opportunity to be away from home, to soul search, and grow. The growth is small but the small victories are worth celebrating. I feel good in where I am in life right now and as tiring as my weekdays are at a hand therapy clinic, I am comforted knowing I am helping make someone's day and being a small part of their day for them to look forward to. I've worked with patients whose only social hour is coming to therapy. I've worked with people who've lost more than 6 family members in 2020 alone. I've worked with children who've not seen their friends in over a year. I've worked with people who have finally reunited with family after a year. I've worked with people who have so much insight, advice, and knowledge and are willing to pass their wisdom down to me. I'm learning to be in the present as I work. Sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm falling into a routine and realize that I'll be like a robot for the rest of my life, but the moment I work with the first patient of the day, I am reminded of how rewarding the field of occupational therapy is. 

I don't know how to explain it. I'm in a crossroad of my life and truly feel like my spirit guides are telling me to be more present, to continue to work through the hurt, and my purpose will be unveiled. I've worked with someone who has inspired me to start taking risks because "if not now, then when?"

"How was your day today?"

I feel like I need this conversation with myself. No expectations on its length, its grammar, its depth. Just talk. 

I haven't had the opportunity in a while to talk about my day with anyone. Not that I expect anyone to give a shit but I've been having my days the past 4 weeks. 

I've started fieldwork in two locations here in Arizona. One in Surprise and one in Biltmore somewhere in Phoenix. I'm in the Surprise one 3x a week and that's where my main clinical instructor (CI) is. She's cool, I like the pace she's put me in as it matches the pace of the environment. My second CI is fun and upbeat and threw me in within my first week. I feel like they're complete opposites as well as both hand therapy facilities are with one another and it's the perfect balance for me. I had a rough week last week being I left my keys outside my apartment door and literally could have died haha. Weeks 2-3 I've been participating in my main CI's evals with patients but have been doing the typing while she does the talking. Today was my first eval where I had to ask the patient about the subjective portion myself then perform the objectives by taking range of motion and grip measurements on a patient with multiple sclerosis. It was rough and hard because she was flaccid on one arm and I wasn't sure on how to take measurements when someone was flaccid and is unable to perform any ROM on an extremity. But my patient was awesome and fun to talk to so it was less intimidating. My CI said she knew she was giving me a tricky one but it should help me at least feel prepared for other patients, which I totally agree. My pt today was a great first pt to work on documentations on. Not sure what to be prepared for in my other location but I'm learning a lot and I'm having a lot of fun. My main clinic has me doing ultrasounds on the clients that require it and I'm starting to slowly do manuals on the neuro patients. I'm so sad because my first manual was on an amazing and great lady who had suffered a stroke over 20 years ago. She's patient and understanding given I am a student and helped me know if the stretch I was conducting was okay or if I could stretch her extremity out a little more without hurting her. I'm sad because she's getting discharged on the next time I see her! I wonder which manuals I'll start taking over now that she's gone. There's another stroke patient I've done manuals on but he does not come as often. Today I did some manuals on a lady with fused joints due to arthritis and got to feel exactly what a hard end feel felt like. TIP: when getting beginning stages of arthritis it is important to always keep the joints in motion!!! Moist heat packs are your friends and cold packs are arthritis' worse enemies. 

NTS: Take Hannah Montana's advice and remind yourself that life is literally what you make of it. So make it rock, make it worth it, make it whatever the hell you need to make it to keep you going another day despite feeling fucked in the head mentally. 

 I have been dwelling on these insecurities for years. They have now become a part of me and I fear they will always be. I think being locked inside the house for the past year has only worsened the voices in my head about my appearance, my capabilities, and my overall worth. I find little motivation to get ready and when I do, I can't help but feel almost ashamed because who I am with my make-up on is not who I am without it. This goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel more confident when I feel put together and look good and feel more reserved and incompetent without it. I do not know which of the two is who I really am. I do like who I am with the glam on but I hate how different I look without it. Then I have friends who are like, "Omg I didn't even recognize her without her make up on anymore. She looks so..... uh..." Because I know I'm one of those girls too. It's upsetting that I can't be happy with myself with and without it on and I hate that I am constantly comparing myself with other girls. I don't want to but it's also so hard for me not to as well. 

I don't think I will ever be happy and okay with this. It doesn't even help that now I've gotten off the pill my face has been breaking out so bad. I have acne and discoloration all over my chin and cheeks. I still feel big and bloated. I have no energy and no motivation, not even to draw and work on a commission. I just feel like my life is this constant loop and I can't help but yearn for some change. March is already coming to an end and I'm still how I was in December just a couple pounds less but my weight continues to fluctuate. It's almost been a year since my cousin has passed away. I'm starting week 4/12 of my fieldwork rotation. I'm tired. 

I've been reflecting for the last couple of weeks with the new changes in my life that's quickly approaching. Next Monday I'll be starting my first level 2A fieldwork at a hand therapy clinic and I haven't started yet and I'm definitely already feeling a sense of imposter syndrome. I feel like my mind has been in a fog the last couple of days. I've been zoning out, misspelling words I know I can spell, forgetting things, etc. and I don't know if it's because of suppressed anxiety but it's scaring me that I'll forget everything by the start of FW, especially after just finishing an upper extremity rehab course this last quarter. There's a lot that goes into hands: anatomy (soooo much in the upper extremity especially the hands...), biomechanics, analysis of movement, exercises, etc. I have to touch up on wound care, burns, edema, PAMs, forms of treatments, and more and it's so overwhelming. This is also my first full time job, as embarrassing as that may be to admit. I've grown up with my parents always telling me not to work while in school because I wouldn't be able to balance my time efficiently and will jeopardize my grades. I kind of wish I did though so I could learn better time management... But I've worked before but only would max out at 25-a little over 30 hours a week and it would vary based on cancellations from my clients. Anyways, it's all brand new to me and I'm so scared. I'm already constantly tired so I don't know how this new schedule will affect me. My sleeping schedule is still all sorts of whack and I have to soon be able to wake up at 5am and be out of the house by 6:15 because I start at 7 and will work until 4-6 depending on the day. My days will be long and tiring and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that.

I've also had some talks with a couple of people because I felt myself detaching from everything around me and felt like I was progressing so fast. They broke it down for me and made me see that I was becoming more independent and less reliable on others. I don't see it yet but I guess it makes sense. One broke down her experience post-grad and starting her first full time position and how her relationship was on the rocks because they were both trying to adjust to this whole new schedule as both of theirs clashed with one another. There was one who felt like the other didn't have enough time for them and the other becoming easily irritated because of things not being done by the other. I guess I have to admit there was a part of me that felt like that was happening within my relationship but after hearing that my friend's relationship went through the same feeling and them still being able to overcome it, it's kept me hopeful. I know this is definitely something that I should be able to talk to John about so that we can work on a schedule of some sort where we can make time for one another throughout the week even for at least an hour. 

There's a lot to take in this year. Next month will already mark my cousin's one year death anniversary. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that it's already been a year... that's happened so fast. I still think about her constantly and miss her so much. Almost everything sparks a memory of and with her. I'm also officially done with didactic material in school and now I'm hitting full time FW 1 out of 2, we've gotten an email in regards to our graduation regalia, graduation is just around the corner, the future of my art, studying for the boards... etc. There's even a small possibility of getting proposed to this year? I love John and I always pictures how great things would be once we can come home to each other but I also think there's a lot that needs to be taken care of prior to such a big step. I think we need to continue to work on ourselves and being a better version of ourselves not only for us individually but for each other as well. Then there's the financial burden of me still being unemployed, having a ton of debt under my belt and wanting to get as much of it paid off as possible, and thinking of John and I's living situation once we do marry. It's just the anxious side of me and where I need everything written out and organized and well thought through. I don't want to be those people who just jump into something and being so shocked at all the new responsibility the new chapter will entail that they weren't ready for. It's just a lot to take in. But I really want to highlight this year as my own personal accomplishment of being one step closer to being an OT because I'd have graduated by then. 

Dear reader... please pray for me. I need all the prayer and strength to push through for the remainder of the year. 

 No offense but I owe it to myself to feel proud about the shit I have accomplished. I am so close to graduating with my masters and I'm even closer to finishing my last didactic quarter of my educational career and starting my first full time fieldwork. I did the damn thing. I did that shit by myself. At the end of the day I had no one but myself doing this and fighting through my racist classmates--familiy--and old friends, depression and anxiety, insecurities, anger, tears, loss, living alone throughout a pandemic, and more. I have to give myself credit for passing some hard ass classes and actually not getting a C in a science class for once in my life. I owe it to myself for getting straight A's 3 quarters in a row. I was told after my neuro class, things would get a little easier and they did but it was still a lot of work at the same time. It's only "easier" because the hard science classes are out of the way. But from there is was all OT classes and implementing what we learned from anatomy and neuro. The curriculum was still hard nonetheless. It's not like a masters degree is a walk in the park. There was still a lot of late emotional stressful nights put into this.

There was a lot of talking myself through an anxiety attack. A lot of talking myself out of a suicidal episode. Convincing myself I belong in this program and in the field of Occupational Therapy. A lot of time put into discovering myself and finding to root to my traumas. A lot of printing out my notes and putting them in a sheet protector and studying in the shower and in the bathroom. A lot of sacrifices to stay in and study or do an assignment. A lot of reviewing outloud to my reflection in the mirror. A lot of learning to accept that I can't depend on people to be there for me the way I would have or have been for them. A lot of setting boundaries for myself so I could reduce the amount of times people hurt me in a day. A lot of finding ways to be okay with the solitude. A lot of trying to be okay with the incontrolable. A lot of learning to forgive myself. A lot of learning to be okay with the weightloss journey. A lot of forcing myself out of bed to get shit done. Just a whole lot of shit. 

I did the damn thing. I need to give myself credit for that especially knowing who I am and the shit that goes on in my head. I deserve to be shown off. I am an amazing person. I am meant to be here. I am meant to be the change I need for myself. I am meant to be in this field. I deserve to be valued. I deserve love. I deserve effort. I deserve someone who gives a fuck about me and if I can't feel that from anywhere else the least I could do is be that person for me. 

My Dearest Ate Nicolle

 I couldn't be there in person with the rest of my cousins to speak on the day of your burial but if I could have shared a few words with them it would have been:

Thank you. Because of you we all know what it was like to feel loved, to feel seen, to feel special, to feel a sense worth. You may no longer be with us in this physical world but your spirit and your memory will live on forever. It is because of you and your words of encouragement that we are all where we are today. You were everyone's biggest cheerleader and were so selfless. Thank you for finding time to hang out with me, to go to the gym with me, to go on a hike and fail halfway up, for being my temporary sister and roommate, for teaching me how to use all the gym equipment so I could feel confident going alone, and more. We will always wish for more time with those we love but I am so thankful to be able to say that I had the privilege and pleasure of having my life be touched by someone like you. You have made such an impact to the lives of everyone who's been lucky enough to have gotten to know you. You are a true angel who has graced us all on this earth. You have shown nothing but sincerity and grace and have been such a great daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend. Your beautiful smile and contaigous laugh will be with us until it is our time to be called to heaven. I cannot wait to reuinte with you and sing along to "Look Out Weekend" with Ate J before going out on our weekend adventures doing who knows what. I miss you every single day of my life and everything reminds me of you. Thank you for your blessing in our lives. We promise to live on your word and your impact and spread the goodness that is you to those around us. 

 

You will be in our hearts always. 

I love you. 

Only One in 2021

 I feel alone. 

I know I'm not really alone but I still feel as though I am. I feel like I'm left out of things that I thought I was a part of. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel how I feel because of my significance to others. Like how dare me to feel sad right? But I am. I'm lonely too. Who will check up on me other than myself? There's nothing I can do to turn back time. The trauma I've experienced can't be undone. The thoughts and image ring loudly. I play it over and over again almost a year after and trying to pick apart what I could have done different. How I could have maybe saved her in a way. If what I could have done in 2018 would make a difference in 2020. I wish I had someone to just listen and not tell me there's nothing I could have done different and that is isn't my fault. It's not that I'm blaming myself, but I'm sad because I wish I could have done something bigger to help. 

I have no siblings. I am an only child. I hold so close to me every relationship I have and hold on as though they are my siblings. I don't know what it's like to fight with a sister, wrestle with a brother, have someone to open up to 24/7, etc. People say I'm like another sister to them but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still an only child. I feel like I have no right to be sad when someone I love is gone because I'm nothing but a cousin or a friend. I don't know how to explain to others how I feel so insignificant because of this. I see people bond with their siblings and get sad because I don't have that. I'd like that but I don't have that. I don't have that opportunity to call someone or wake someone up just to hear their voice without worrying if I'm being a bother or not. I can only watch from afar.

I'm really sad. I feel like I try to open up to people but hold myself back because there's just that voice in my head saying no one will really be there for you. Then I keep telling myself to be there for myself but for some reason I don't know how. I can't help but feel the need to find people to talk to, for people to be my friend, because I am trying to fill this void in me. I'm lonely. I have a boyfriend who goes through so much so I feel like I can't and shouldn't add another thing onto his plate. I don't want to be a burden to my friends either. I don't feel wanted. But I know I should stop expecting so much from people to be there for me because everyone has their own lives. I get busy with school but if a friend called me or texted me that they needed to talk, I put everything down and give them as much time as they need me for. I'm that kind of person. I wish I loved myself the same way I loved everyone else. 

I can't be going into twenty twenty one like this. I truly want to learn how to love myself. How to be okay with not being okay. How to not feel the need for control and perfection. How to do things for myself. I want to be happy... I have to fake it and keep telling myself I am beautiful and I deserve happiness until I believe it myself. I need a cleanse. I need a way out.