"An angel walked up to my door
Opened the windows to my soul
Told me he thinks that I should know
Life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger"
I think about who I do this for. Who I am still here for.
There is so much unprocessed pain in me.
I do not know how to manage it.
I do not know how to sort through it.
I've noticed myself holding in my tears to the point where my throat is just in so much pain.
I know I need to keep going.
But some days it just feels impossible.
I cannot stand the thought of hurting those who love me.
There are days where I'm in a battle with my head.
I know people love me.
But it's so hard to believe it.
I ask myself what's there to love?
It's so crazy to think about how fragile life is.
How easily it could be taken away.
How we never stop missing the ones who are no longer here.
I don't want to hurt the ones that care about me.
When we lost Uncle Jep in 2008, we all told him we'd be alright.
But as we grew older his promises were always in our minds.
We'd share with him how we got our permits, got our licenses, our first legal drink...
He was always in our hearts.
When we lost Ate Nicolle this year, we tried our bests to tell her we'll be alright.
We make these promises to her because we know she wouldn't want us hurting.
We live with these unanswered questions and memories with her.
And continue to wish she was with us through all this.
But if I could be honest, it's so hard trying to be okay.
I come across pictures, memories, dreams, and it still hurts.
Because every time that happens I have a battle with my mind and reality
and try so hard to tell myself you're still here.
We hold onto their "I love you's"
Their words of encouragement
Their smiles
Their memories
Life just has a whole new meaning when we lose those we love.
Battling through my mental health is such a fucking struggle.
There are some days I feel okay but once things start getting bad,
I have a hard time getting out of the funk.
I just think about who would even care if I left.
If I made an impact in anyone's life.
I'm tired of these thoughts.
I'm tired of myself.
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Sunday, June 14, 2020
The waves push me further from the shore and the amount of space in my lungs begins to shrink. My body is sinking and all I can think of is letting go. The thoughts inside my mind begin to intensify the more my body goes into panic. My body wants to move and swim up to the surface but my limbs are locked, my eyes are shut, my lips are glued. I am trapped in something I loved. The ocean was comfort to me yet it is also the death of me. With my last few moments I picture those I love with a smile on their face and fight the urge to feel their hugs and not let go. I think of ripsticking around my neighborhood, making mud pies, and hiding boxes of treasure in my backyard. Staying up late drinking yogurt and Yakult and making snowman out of its bottles and waking up the next morning ready to jump into an inflatable pool while my mom serves us orange creamsicle smoothies and grilled cheeseburgers. I think of sneaking out of our grandma's house, hiding from parents, and living carefree.
How are you doing? I hope you are fine. These past couple days have been hard for me. You are on my mind and I am thinking about how you felt. Because I am terrified. Fighting my demons has not gotten easier as much as I want to, and try to lie to myself that it has. I want out of this world so many times... I cannot drown out my demons. I cannot shut them off. I feel fucking alone. I feel fucking selfish. I am angry with myself for being how I am. I hate myself. I hate who I've become. I look at the mirror and want to cry. I don't know who I am. I feel like I don't deserve the relationships in my life and I feel like I'm sabotaging them. I don't feel supported. I don't feel anything. There are people I want to talk to but when I get the chance to, I don't know what to talk about. I don't feel worthy. I fucking miss you. I still can't come to acceptance of it. I can't forget you and I will never forget you. Every time I think of my childhood you're there with me. Please visit me again. The silence around me is making me go crazy.
How are you doing? I hope you are fine. These past couple days have been hard for me. You are on my mind and I am thinking about how you felt. Because I am terrified. Fighting my demons has not gotten easier as much as I want to, and try to lie to myself that it has. I want out of this world so many times... I cannot drown out my demons. I cannot shut them off. I feel fucking alone. I feel fucking selfish. I am angry with myself for being how I am. I hate myself. I hate who I've become. I look at the mirror and want to cry. I don't know who I am. I feel like I don't deserve the relationships in my life and I feel like I'm sabotaging them. I don't feel supported. I don't feel anything. There are people I want to talk to but when I get the chance to, I don't know what to talk about. I don't feel worthy. I fucking miss you. I still can't come to acceptance of it. I can't forget you and I will never forget you. Every time I think of my childhood you're there with me. Please visit me again. The silence around me is making me go crazy.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Life Update
I have been trying to make the most of my time the past couple of days and I feel so good. This was the first week back we returned to campus since the quarantine began and we are still fighting for change, justice, and equity. I feel extra motivated and have been using the extra time in my day to simply educate myself. During my time back in California I decided to finally challenge myself so I bought 3 plants. I told myself, if I could keep at least one of these three alive for one month, I will buy another plant and slowly continue to grow my collection. I have been educating myself by writing down which plants are best for beginners, which plants do best with indirect sunlight from a west facing window, best care for each of the ones I bought, when and how each plant prefers to receive water, and down to how to properly propagate a plant, prune when I see something wrong, and how to repot. I bought small plants because I didn't want to spend so much if I was just going to kill them. So I started small and so far I've been seeing growth in my baby fiddle leaf fig tree! A new leaf has sprouted but I'm thinking of pruning the one next to it because since I bought it, the leaf was already damaged anyways. The journey has been fun and rewarding so far.
I've also been working on being more proactive within my OT program. I may not have been elected for SOTA social media chair at the beginning of the year but there's been more opportunities coming my way and I am excited to see where God takes me. I have volunteered to work with professors to go over our program curriculum to advocate for more inclusivity and diversity as well as be a part of the applicant process for that. Just yesterday I got the email that I was officially placed in group for the applicant process. I have also been introduced to COTAD by Alexis and got the go from the SOTA advisor to take the next step. I am so excited to be part of this change in my school as this is another step towards a more diverse program. I truly believe we as future healthcare professionals should be educated on the disparities and challenges minorities face. Sometimes I get scared at the thought that I'm being a little too vocal about my stance in this civil rights movement because Arizona is a red state and I already have one classmate being open about supporting trump and wondered if the rest of my classmates who stayed silent are also Pro-Trump. I've been educating myself in the history of Black Americans and have learned so much and I know I want to keep educating myself to be the best ally I can be.
And lastly I have been equipping myself more with the Word of God by listening to testimonies, recorded services, and following fellow Christian's on social media. I think it is important to realize that we are currently in a state of war and should equip ourselves with the word of God. For my specifically, I grew up in a Filipino American Christian Church so I was surrounded by a lot of close minded people (traditional Filipino elders) tied in with using the Bible as reasons to be racist. I decided to separate myself from religion and just focus myself with the Word of God because I didn't like what a lot of the Christian's I grew up with believed in. George Floyd died yet they stay quiet and don't offer up a prayer to not only his life but the lives of the innocent black people dying and then finding reasons to justify their death? They aren't reflecting on their own bias and are not willing to unlearn unjust traits and thoughts. I was disappointed in how the people in my old church took upon this situation and their lack of heart to acknowledge the black lives matter movement and continue to push that all lives matter. The Christian pastors I've followed have done such a great job at addressing the issue and really reflecting on what the church has done in the past and came up a plan with how we can be better.
Mentally, I'm getting drained. It's so hard to balance everything right now that I've had to sign off and delete some apps that triggered me with the whole lack of awareness and ignorance people hold on social media. I've tried to share my opinion and back it up with resources that debunk theirs and at this point I just want to focus my energy with continued education as well as with what I'm doing within my program. I'll worry about everyone else after, haha. Sometimes my bad thoughts come back, sometimes I think of and miss my cousin, sometimes I just feel empty and numb, some afternoon's I'll just randomly burst into tears, and being back in AZ has just overall increased my feelings of loneliness and desire for some form of company.
I've also been working on being more proactive within my OT program. I may not have been elected for SOTA social media chair at the beginning of the year but there's been more opportunities coming my way and I am excited to see where God takes me. I have volunteered to work with professors to go over our program curriculum to advocate for more inclusivity and diversity as well as be a part of the applicant process for that. Just yesterday I got the email that I was officially placed in group for the applicant process. I have also been introduced to COTAD by Alexis and got the go from the SOTA advisor to take the next step. I am so excited to be part of this change in my school as this is another step towards a more diverse program. I truly believe we as future healthcare professionals should be educated on the disparities and challenges minorities face. Sometimes I get scared at the thought that I'm being a little too vocal about my stance in this civil rights movement because Arizona is a red state and I already have one classmate being open about supporting trump and wondered if the rest of my classmates who stayed silent are also Pro-Trump. I've been educating myself in the history of Black Americans and have learned so much and I know I want to keep educating myself to be the best ally I can be.
And lastly I have been equipping myself more with the Word of God by listening to testimonies, recorded services, and following fellow Christian's on social media. I think it is important to realize that we are currently in a state of war and should equip ourselves with the word of God. For my specifically, I grew up in a Filipino American Christian Church so I was surrounded by a lot of close minded people (traditional Filipino elders) tied in with using the Bible as reasons to be racist. I decided to separate myself from religion and just focus myself with the Word of God because I didn't like what a lot of the Christian's I grew up with believed in. George Floyd died yet they stay quiet and don't offer up a prayer to not only his life but the lives of the innocent black people dying and then finding reasons to justify their death? They aren't reflecting on their own bias and are not willing to unlearn unjust traits and thoughts. I was disappointed in how the people in my old church took upon this situation and their lack of heart to acknowledge the black lives matter movement and continue to push that all lives matter. The Christian pastors I've followed have done such a great job at addressing the issue and really reflecting on what the church has done in the past and came up a plan with how we can be better.
Mentally, I'm getting drained. It's so hard to balance everything right now that I've had to sign off and delete some apps that triggered me with the whole lack of awareness and ignorance people hold on social media. I've tried to share my opinion and back it up with resources that debunk theirs and at this point I just want to focus my energy with continued education as well as with what I'm doing within my program. I'll worry about everyone else after, haha. Sometimes my bad thoughts come back, sometimes I think of and miss my cousin, sometimes I just feel empty and numb, some afternoon's I'll just randomly burst into tears, and being back in AZ has just overall increased my feelings of loneliness and desire for some form of company.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
All Lives Don't Matter Until Black Lives Matter
My heart is aching for the world right now but I understand the anger. We are living in what feels like a second civil rights movement. I am a part of this. My family is a part of this. My friends are a part of this. My neighbors and peers are a part of this. I understand the anger and I am angry with them. I ask myself, why did it take losing this many lives for there to finally be some sort of progress in protecting the lives of our black brothers and sisters? I reflect on my own self and what I can do to become a better ally. I've been using this time reflecting and praying and educating myself. I have been doing this for years but being a little harder on myself now.
Growing up I was surrounded by people who used the N word and know I've said it while singing along to songs and oftentimes even in my conversations with friends. I grew up around that. I never knew of the weight it carried as a non-BIPOC. I was always told, "It's a term of endearment." As I've gotten older I started using it less in my vocabulary but sometimes would still sing it out loud in songs. I am responsible for that and for being under-educated on its meaning. Then as the Black Lives Movement (BLM) began in 2013, I became more aware of the injustice happening to minorities--BIPOC specifically. I was aware of it then but did not really reflect and make the decision to change until around 2015. I began to educate myself as to why non-BIPOC shouldn't say that word and why we can't tell black people to stop saying it either. I learned to be more aware of my words as well as the cultural biases I grew up with as a Filipinx-American. Growing up I was victim to buying papaya soap to lighten my skin because I grew up thinking you can only be pretty if you have light skin. Eventually my laziness just told me I'm fine just the way I am and that also made me realize how ridiculous it was that people went these measures to become lighter. I even heard of my Filipinx peers taking pills to become lighter!
I also began to speak out to my parents around this time to help them understand the way they feel about POC needs to change. As I've also grown as a Christian, I made sure to remind them what our calling is as His children. It's taken years of calling my parents out for things they say and feel. It wasn't easy. Some times it even resulted in tears because of how frustrated I was that it's taking them so long to understand me, my mom especially due to our language barrier. I've also been more vocal to other people around me to stop saying the N word too. I made little progress during this time until today but it was still progress but I wish I made more. Every time there was news about an injustice death of a black person or even a wrongful imprisonment based off the color of ones skin, I couldn't help but feel disgusted. Once Trump was elected into office in 2016 I feel like my upset began to continually grow especially knowing people of my church (that I've literally grown up with) were supporting him and his racist agenda. I stepped down as youth leader and pianist in 2017. It did not feel right to be a part of that church any longer. I felt uncomfortable and even angry. I left quietly without expressing my feelings.
I've been continuing making changes and continuing to be a more understanding individual and learning about the oppression of other races. I wanted to be better. I wanted them to know I feel them, I hear them, and I am here to support them. Today I am educating myself in ways I did not before. I have delved much deeper into the oppression black individuals faced that was not taught in school. I read about how BIPOC have helped Filipinx independence as well as their help with other Asian minorities. I have also become aware of my own privilege as an Asian American and how Asian's were painted as the model minority for staying quiet and following what we were told to do. 2020 is the year that will all change. I have been reading and signing petitions and although I do not have the funds to donate to many organizations, I am supporting by sharing resources and IG stories of how we non-BIPOC can use our voices. Seeing the solidarity in not only 50 states but around the WORLD has moved me and made me emotional. The protests are mainly peaceful but there are definitely many where there are looting and rioting. As a Christian we know violence is not the answer but also have to realize we cannot expect a civil response from an oppressed group. Many of those rioting and looting aren't even there in support of BLM. Police are also breaking windows and looting!
There needs to be change. The government needs to defund the police and invest more money into communities of color and help with health and education. They are just as human as we are and it upsets me that the constitution does not believe in that. The constitution wasn't made for people of color. I may not be there in person for the protests but I am doing what I can at home to help. I even begin to tear because I feel like my parents are finally understanding me anger and upset. They are more open to listening to me and understanding the oppression happening around them. That there IS injustice happening today in 2020. Thank GODDD my dad is a democrat, haha. I'm so glad he's able to properly translate and educate to my mom what is happening and why it is happening. I feel like I have finally made a breakthrough within my home because I know that's where change can start. Within our homes. I just pray my mom finds the confidence to stand up to family members when they talk to her about what is happening. No one said this would be easy and hell, we're privileged to not even experience what BIPOC experience. We will NEVER understand but we MUST stand with them. I'm so happy to finally see some change within the communities. The police who killed George Floyd are finally charged if it wasn't for the anger of the citizens. Breonna Taylor's case is being opened to give her justice and charge those police that killed her in her sleep. Ahaumd Arbery's case is finally advancing and sentencing the 3 men who killed him.
Although all this is happening, I know there will always be some form of racism in years to come. It doesn't not end here. But I pray for the future of the nation as well as the world. I pray that our efforts today will not ever go to waste. I may not live to see the day where racism no longer exists but I am comforted knowing I have helped make change today, tomorrow, and forever. I pray families continue to educate their children and other family members to share love and to stand up for others and fight for justice. It is important to have these uncomfortable conversations with others but we should also be willing to be patient with others because some people will take time for their awakening. God is with us. He is working with us. Change is coming. I promise to continue educating myself to become a better individual and an ally. I know I am not perfect but I also know I cannot just sit around and do nothing.
Growing up I was surrounded by people who used the N word and know I've said it while singing along to songs and oftentimes even in my conversations with friends. I grew up around that. I never knew of the weight it carried as a non-BIPOC. I was always told, "It's a term of endearment." As I've gotten older I started using it less in my vocabulary but sometimes would still sing it out loud in songs. I am responsible for that and for being under-educated on its meaning. Then as the Black Lives Movement (BLM) began in 2013, I became more aware of the injustice happening to minorities--BIPOC specifically. I was aware of it then but did not really reflect and make the decision to change until around 2015. I began to educate myself as to why non-BIPOC shouldn't say that word and why we can't tell black people to stop saying it either. I learned to be more aware of my words as well as the cultural biases I grew up with as a Filipinx-American. Growing up I was victim to buying papaya soap to lighten my skin because I grew up thinking you can only be pretty if you have light skin. Eventually my laziness just told me I'm fine just the way I am and that also made me realize how ridiculous it was that people went these measures to become lighter. I even heard of my Filipinx peers taking pills to become lighter!
I also began to speak out to my parents around this time to help them understand the way they feel about POC needs to change. As I've also grown as a Christian, I made sure to remind them what our calling is as His children. It's taken years of calling my parents out for things they say and feel. It wasn't easy. Some times it even resulted in tears because of how frustrated I was that it's taking them so long to understand me, my mom especially due to our language barrier. I've also been more vocal to other people around me to stop saying the N word too. I made little progress during this time until today but it was still progress but I wish I made more. Every time there was news about an injustice death of a black person or even a wrongful imprisonment based off the color of ones skin, I couldn't help but feel disgusted. Once Trump was elected into office in 2016 I feel like my upset began to continually grow especially knowing people of my church (that I've literally grown up with) were supporting him and his racist agenda. I stepped down as youth leader and pianist in 2017. It did not feel right to be a part of that church any longer. I felt uncomfortable and even angry. I left quietly without expressing my feelings.
I've been continuing making changes and continuing to be a more understanding individual and learning about the oppression of other races. I wanted to be better. I wanted them to know I feel them, I hear them, and I am here to support them. Today I am educating myself in ways I did not before. I have delved much deeper into the oppression black individuals faced that was not taught in school. I read about how BIPOC have helped Filipinx independence as well as their help with other Asian minorities. I have also become aware of my own privilege as an Asian American and how Asian's were painted as the model minority for staying quiet and following what we were told to do. 2020 is the year that will all change. I have been reading and signing petitions and although I do not have the funds to donate to many organizations, I am supporting by sharing resources and IG stories of how we non-BIPOC can use our voices. Seeing the solidarity in not only 50 states but around the WORLD has moved me and made me emotional. The protests are mainly peaceful but there are definitely many where there are looting and rioting. As a Christian we know violence is not the answer but also have to realize we cannot expect a civil response from an oppressed group. Many of those rioting and looting aren't even there in support of BLM. Police are also breaking windows and looting!
There needs to be change. The government needs to defund the police and invest more money into communities of color and help with health and education. They are just as human as we are and it upsets me that the constitution does not believe in that. The constitution wasn't made for people of color. I may not be there in person for the protests but I am doing what I can at home to help. I even begin to tear because I feel like my parents are finally understanding me anger and upset. They are more open to listening to me and understanding the oppression happening around them. That there IS injustice happening today in 2020. Thank GODDD my dad is a democrat, haha. I'm so glad he's able to properly translate and educate to my mom what is happening and why it is happening. I feel like I have finally made a breakthrough within my home because I know that's where change can start. Within our homes. I just pray my mom finds the confidence to stand up to family members when they talk to her about what is happening. No one said this would be easy and hell, we're privileged to not even experience what BIPOC experience. We will NEVER understand but we MUST stand with them. I'm so happy to finally see some change within the communities. The police who killed George Floyd are finally charged if it wasn't for the anger of the citizens. Breonna Taylor's case is being opened to give her justice and charge those police that killed her in her sleep. Ahaumd Arbery's case is finally advancing and sentencing the 3 men who killed him.
Although all this is happening, I know there will always be some form of racism in years to come. It doesn't not end here. But I pray for the future of the nation as well as the world. I pray that our efforts today will not ever go to waste. I may not live to see the day where racism no longer exists but I am comforted knowing I have helped make change today, tomorrow, and forever. I pray families continue to educate their children and other family members to share love and to stand up for others and fight for justice. It is important to have these uncomfortable conversations with others but we should also be willing to be patient with others because some people will take time for their awakening. God is with us. He is working with us. Change is coming. I promise to continue educating myself to become a better individual and an ally. I know I am not perfect but I also know I cannot just sit around and do nothing.
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