"How was your day today?"

I feel like I need this conversation with myself. No expectations on its length, its grammar, its depth. Just talk. 

I haven't had the opportunity in a while to talk about my day with anyone. Not that I expect anyone to give a shit but I've been having my days the past 4 weeks. 

I've started fieldwork in two locations here in Arizona. One in Surprise and one in Biltmore somewhere in Phoenix. I'm in the Surprise one 3x a week and that's where my main clinical instructor (CI) is. She's cool, I like the pace she's put me in as it matches the pace of the environment. My second CI is fun and upbeat and threw me in within my first week. I feel like they're complete opposites as well as both hand therapy facilities are with one another and it's the perfect balance for me. I had a rough week last week being I left my keys outside my apartment door and literally could have died haha. Weeks 2-3 I've been participating in my main CI's evals with patients but have been doing the typing while she does the talking. Today was my first eval where I had to ask the patient about the subjective portion myself then perform the objectives by taking range of motion and grip measurements on a patient with multiple sclerosis. It was rough and hard because she was flaccid on one arm and I wasn't sure on how to take measurements when someone was flaccid and is unable to perform any ROM on an extremity. But my patient was awesome and fun to talk to so it was less intimidating. My CI said she knew she was giving me a tricky one but it should help me at least feel prepared for other patients, which I totally agree. My pt today was a great first pt to work on documentations on. Not sure what to be prepared for in my other location but I'm learning a lot and I'm having a lot of fun. My main clinic has me doing ultrasounds on the clients that require it and I'm starting to slowly do manuals on the neuro patients. I'm so sad because my first manual was on an amazing and great lady who had suffered a stroke over 20 years ago. She's patient and understanding given I am a student and helped me know if the stretch I was conducting was okay or if I could stretch her extremity out a little more without hurting her. I'm sad because she's getting discharged on the next time I see her! I wonder which manuals I'll start taking over now that she's gone. There's another stroke patient I've done manuals on but he does not come as often. Today I did some manuals on a lady with fused joints due to arthritis and got to feel exactly what a hard end feel felt like. TIP: when getting beginning stages of arthritis it is important to always keep the joints in motion!!! Moist heat packs are your friends and cold packs are arthritis' worse enemies. 

NTS: Take Hannah Montana's advice and remind yourself that life is literally what you make of it. So make it rock, make it worth it, make it whatever the hell you need to make it to keep you going another day despite feeling fucked in the head mentally. 

 I have been dwelling on these insecurities for years. They have now become a part of me and I fear they will always be. I think being locked inside the house for the past year has only worsened the voices in my head about my appearance, my capabilities, and my overall worth. I find little motivation to get ready and when I do, I can't help but feel almost ashamed because who I am with my make-up on is not who I am without it. This goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel more confident when I feel put together and look good and feel more reserved and incompetent without it. I do not know which of the two is who I really am. I do like who I am with the glam on but I hate how different I look without it. Then I have friends who are like, "Omg I didn't even recognize her without her make up on anymore. She looks so..... uh..." Because I know I'm one of those girls too. It's upsetting that I can't be happy with myself with and without it on and I hate that I am constantly comparing myself with other girls. I don't want to but it's also so hard for me not to as well. 

I don't think I will ever be happy and okay with this. It doesn't even help that now I've gotten off the pill my face has been breaking out so bad. I have acne and discoloration all over my chin and cheeks. I still feel big and bloated. I have no energy and no motivation, not even to draw and work on a commission. I just feel like my life is this constant loop and I can't help but yearn for some change. March is already coming to an end and I'm still how I was in December just a couple pounds less but my weight continues to fluctuate. It's almost been a year since my cousin has passed away. I'm starting week 4/12 of my fieldwork rotation. I'm tired. 

I've been reflecting for the last couple of weeks with the new changes in my life that's quickly approaching. Next Monday I'll be starting my first level 2A fieldwork at a hand therapy clinic and I haven't started yet and I'm definitely already feeling a sense of imposter syndrome. I feel like my mind has been in a fog the last couple of days. I've been zoning out, misspelling words I know I can spell, forgetting things, etc. and I don't know if it's because of suppressed anxiety but it's scaring me that I'll forget everything by the start of FW, especially after just finishing an upper extremity rehab course this last quarter. There's a lot that goes into hands: anatomy (soooo much in the upper extremity especially the hands...), biomechanics, analysis of movement, exercises, etc. I have to touch up on wound care, burns, edema, PAMs, forms of treatments, and more and it's so overwhelming. This is also my first full time job, as embarrassing as that may be to admit. I've grown up with my parents always telling me not to work while in school because I wouldn't be able to balance my time efficiently and will jeopardize my grades. I kind of wish I did though so I could learn better time management... But I've worked before but only would max out at 25-a little over 30 hours a week and it would vary based on cancellations from my clients. Anyways, it's all brand new to me and I'm so scared. I'm already constantly tired so I don't know how this new schedule will affect me. My sleeping schedule is still all sorts of whack and I have to soon be able to wake up at 5am and be out of the house by 6:15 because I start at 7 and will work until 4-6 depending on the day. My days will be long and tiring and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that.

I've also had some talks with a couple of people because I felt myself detaching from everything around me and felt like I was progressing so fast. They broke it down for me and made me see that I was becoming more independent and less reliable on others. I don't see it yet but I guess it makes sense. One broke down her experience post-grad and starting her first full time position and how her relationship was on the rocks because they were both trying to adjust to this whole new schedule as both of theirs clashed with one another. There was one who felt like the other didn't have enough time for them and the other becoming easily irritated because of things not being done by the other. I guess I have to admit there was a part of me that felt like that was happening within my relationship but after hearing that my friend's relationship went through the same feeling and them still being able to overcome it, it's kept me hopeful. I know this is definitely something that I should be able to talk to John about so that we can work on a schedule of some sort where we can make time for one another throughout the week even for at least an hour. 

There's a lot to take in this year. Next month will already mark my cousin's one year death anniversary. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that it's already been a year... that's happened so fast. I still think about her constantly and miss her so much. Almost everything sparks a memory of and with her. I'm also officially done with didactic material in school and now I'm hitting full time FW 1 out of 2, we've gotten an email in regards to our graduation regalia, graduation is just around the corner, the future of my art, studying for the boards... etc. There's even a small possibility of getting proposed to this year? I love John and I always pictures how great things would be once we can come home to each other but I also think there's a lot that needs to be taken care of prior to such a big step. I think we need to continue to work on ourselves and being a better version of ourselves not only for us individually but for each other as well. Then there's the financial burden of me still being unemployed, having a ton of debt under my belt and wanting to get as much of it paid off as possible, and thinking of John and I's living situation once we do marry. It's just the anxious side of me and where I need everything written out and organized and well thought through. I don't want to be those people who just jump into something and being so shocked at all the new responsibility the new chapter will entail that they weren't ready for. It's just a lot to take in. But I really want to highlight this year as my own personal accomplishment of being one step closer to being an OT because I'd have graduated by then. 

Dear reader... please pray for me. I need all the prayer and strength to push through for the remainder of the year.