My heart is aching for the world right now but I understand the anger. We are living in what feels like a second civil rights movement. I am a part of this. My family is a part of this. My friends are a part of this. My neighbors and peers are a part of this. I understand the anger and I am angry with them. I ask myself, why did it take losing this many lives for there to finally be some sort of progress in protecting the lives of our black brothers and sisters? I reflect on my own self and what I can do to become a better ally. I've been using this time reflecting and praying and educating myself. I have been doing this for years but being a little harder on myself now.
Growing up I was surrounded by people who used the N word and know I've said it while singing along to songs and oftentimes even in my conversations with friends. I grew up around that. I never knew of the weight it carried as a non-BIPOC. I was always told, "It's a term of endearment." As I've gotten older I started using it less in my vocabulary but sometimes would still sing it out loud in songs. I am responsible for that and for being under-educated on its meaning. Then as the Black Lives Movement (BLM) began in 2013, I became more aware of the injustice happening to minorities--BIPOC specifically. I was aware of it then but did not really reflect and make the decision to change until around 2015. I began to educate myself as to why non-BIPOC shouldn't say that word and why we can't tell black people to stop saying it either. I learned to be more aware of my words as well as the cultural biases I grew up with as a Filipinx-American. Growing up I was victim to buying papaya soap to lighten my skin because I grew up thinking you can only be pretty if you have light skin. Eventually my laziness just told me I'm fine just the way I am and that also made me realize how ridiculous it was that people went these measures to become lighter. I even heard of my Filipinx peers taking pills to become lighter!
I also began to speak out to my parents around this time to help them understand the way they feel about POC needs to change. As I've also grown as a Christian, I made sure to remind them what our calling is as His children. It's taken years of calling my parents out for things they say and feel. It wasn't easy. Some times it even resulted in tears because of how frustrated I was that it's taking them so long to understand me, my mom especially due to our language barrier. I've also been more vocal to other people around me to stop saying the N word too. I made little progress during this time until today but it was still progress but I wish I made more. Every time there was news about an injustice death of a black person or even a wrongful imprisonment based off the color of ones skin, I couldn't help but feel disgusted. Once Trump was elected into office in 2016 I feel like my upset began to continually grow especially knowing people of my church (that I've literally grown up with) were supporting him and his racist agenda. I stepped down as youth leader and pianist in 2017. It did not feel right to be a part of that church any longer. I felt uncomfortable and even angry. I left quietly without expressing my feelings.
I've been continuing making changes and continuing to be a more understanding individual and learning about the oppression of other races. I wanted to be better. I wanted them to know I feel them, I hear them, and I am here to support them. Today I am educating myself in ways I did not before. I have delved much deeper into the oppression black individuals faced that was not taught in school. I read about how BIPOC have helped Filipinx independence as well as their help with other Asian minorities. I have also become aware of my own privilege as an Asian American and how Asian's were painted as the model minority for staying quiet and following what we were told to do. 2020 is the year that will all change. I have been reading and signing petitions and although I do not have the funds to donate to many organizations, I am supporting by sharing resources and IG stories of how we non-BIPOC can use our voices. Seeing the solidarity in not only 50 states but around the WORLD has moved me and made me emotional. The protests are mainly peaceful but there are definitely many where there are looting and rioting. As a Christian we know violence is not the answer but also have to realize we cannot expect a civil response from an oppressed group. Many of those rioting and looting aren't even there in support of BLM. Police are also breaking windows and looting!
There needs to be change. The government needs to defund the police and invest more money into communities of color and help with health and education. They are just as human as we are and it upsets me that the constitution does not believe in that. The constitution wasn't made for people of color. I may not be there in person for the protests but I am doing what I can at home to help. I even begin to tear because I feel like my parents are finally understanding me anger and upset. They are more open to listening to me and understanding the oppression happening around them. That there IS injustice happening today in 2020. Thank GODDD my dad is a democrat, haha. I'm so glad he's able to properly translate and educate to my mom what is happening and why it is happening. I feel like I have finally made a breakthrough within my home because I know that's where change can start. Within our homes. I just pray my mom finds the confidence to stand up to family members when they talk to her about what is happening. No one said this would be easy and hell, we're privileged to not even experience what BIPOC experience. We will NEVER understand but we MUST stand with them. I'm so happy to finally see some change within the communities. The police who killed George Floyd are finally charged if it wasn't for the anger of the citizens. Breonna Taylor's case is being opened to give her justice and charge those police that killed her in her sleep. Ahaumd Arbery's case is finally advancing and sentencing the 3 men who killed him.
Although all this is happening, I know there will always be some form of racism in years to come. It doesn't not end here. But I pray for the future of the nation as well as the world. I pray that our efforts today will not ever go to waste. I may not live to see the day where racism no longer exists but I am comforted knowing I have helped make change today, tomorrow, and forever. I pray families continue to educate their children and other family members to share love and to stand up for others and fight for justice. It is important to have these uncomfortable conversations with others but we should also be willing to be patient with others because some people will take time for their awakening. God is with us. He is working with us. Change is coming. I promise to continue educating myself to become a better individual and an ally. I know I am not perfect but I also know I cannot just sit around and do nothing.
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