The End of a Decade

I looked through my photo album on Facebook and was only able to date back to 2010 with one picture from 8th grade in 2008/9. I felt a rush of sadness looking through them because I saw how happy I was. I see a picture and remember parts of that day, who I was with, and just how excited I was with life. Everyday was a bright new day and I was full of optimism and everything felt carefree. I lived a great life. Then a couple nights ago I read through my journals and read through the days where I felt heartbroken, scared, and happy. Despite all that, I knew the good outweighed the bad. My friends were great and although our group of 9 slowly shrunk down to 4, I miss them all. I feel like I was able to bounce back much faster before.

Sadly as I've grown older, the happiness I once had within me began to diminish. Everyday I grew less motivated, less thankful, and less optimistic. I wish I could say why but I don't know what's happened to me. Here I am in my room with the lights off at 3pm on New Years Eve feeling depressed and suicidal. There's a party my mom's hosting tonight and the thought of having to go out bothers me. I don't want to leave my room. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm just holding in my tears. I wish I could go into the new year and literally leave all this baggage in 2019 but the sad reality is that I can't do that. My chest feels heavy, my heart hurts, and it's getting hard to breathe normally. I fucking hate this. Mom wants to take a family picture in front of the tree since she was working on Christmas Eve and I'm not in the mood to even get ready and put on a face of make up. Might just wear a dress and keep my glasses on.

I wish I didn't have to make such a sad post to end the decade but this is reality. This is what it is. I'm praying I can look back at this post in a much better headspace and be proud of how far I've come. I'm going to try a lot harder for myself in 2020. I'm going to continue to push through the hard days and remind myself I deserve to live and I deserve to see the light at the end of this tunnel. And for whoever the consistent viewers I have on this blog, I hope you all have a great year ahead and thank you for following me through this journey. I plan to write more and I hope to get better. I can't let this beat me. I'm getting help. I'm working on myself in 2020. I'm going to fight for myself and learn to love myself more and figure out how the hell to become happy all over again. It's hard pushing through the days alone especially out in Arizona when my best friends and John aren't a text away to come over and spend time with me but I love the comfort of being alone to just cry without worrying my parents at the house. I don't want them to see me like this and I don't want to worry them and blame themselves or anything.

I've learned a lot within the past 10 years. From 2009-2013 I've learned to just live life and not worry about what others think of you. You're young once, enjoy that shit while you can. But with such enjoyment also comes with responsibility. I've learned how to drive, pump gas, deposit and withdraw money from the bank, how to save money, my love for art and writing, and how to cook rice between this time! From 2013-2016 I've learned how to drive on the freeway. I've learned about going to concerts early if I wanted a good spot close to the stage (I don't think 24 me can do this anymore). I've learned to have fun but also literally get my shit together if I want to go anywhere with life. I feel like I was in limbo with what I wanted to do and what I wanted to accomplish but I knew I wanted to make something out of myself. I set aside the more wilder side of me and tamed myself and had to discipline myself to focus on my studies. I ignored my high school classmates who were going to UC's and Ivy Leagues and just focused on my journey. I've lost some friendships through this but it's just the reality of growing up and taking on our own paths. I've learned to stand up for the ones I love and to be there no matter what if they need me. I've stepped up within my own faith and became a youth leader and help coordinate camps and even had my own spiritual life change. I've continued to experience heartbreak within this period but I've also learned how to love like I've never had before. I began to learn how to be vulnerable and communicate my problems and learned about who I am as a partner. From 2016-2019 I finally learned how to do my own laundry since my mom always insisted she do it herself. I've learned about compromise and how to work as a team. I'm not perfect but I've learned to be patient with myself during my process of growth. I've sadly started to lose myself within this time frame but I've also learned about who cares for me and that you know what? Maybe someone does give a damn about me. If they won't give up on me why should I give up on myself? I've experienced multiple losses within this time and have even lost a big chunk of myself. I've learned about what sacrifice and hard work can lead to and was able to graduate with my Bachelor's Degree and get accepted into a graduate school with a field I am crazy passionate about. I don't see myself doing any other profession. Between 2017-2019, my mental health slowly declined and 2019 was what hit hard the most. I've yet to learn how to cope with my anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts but just typing this out helped me see what I've been through.

Here's to the start of the new decade. Some things I'm looking forward to within the next 10 years is graduating with a Masters Degree in Occupational Therapy, moving back to California, working and actually making my own big girl money, hopefully settle in with John, and who knows... maybe start a family. I'm looking forward to making more memories with the people I love and travel with my best friends. I'm looking forward to getting used to heat and cooking and eating temperature hot foods haha. I'm looking forward to just all the new doors that can open that I today wouldn't be able to think about for myself. I'm looking forward to 10 years from now where I can look back at this post and give myself a pat on the back for getting this far in my life. 10 years from now I'll be 34 years old... holy shit.


Cheers. I'm rooting for you.
-C

There have been so many times this year where I never felt worthy of love and to be loved

Did not feel worthy to be wanted... Did not feel wanted at all

I’ve been broken and this rearrangement is a difficult and painful process

I have lost myself in the cracks and cannot find all the pieces of me that have gone missing

I am different than I was last year 

There are parts of me I will never get back and the person I’ve become today will never be who I was before

I am bruised and I am damaged and have the hardest time reminding myself I am still worthy of love 

I look at myself in the mirror and wish I was no more

I look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but a monster waiting to die

I have the hardest time telling myself that I deserve to live and I have the hardest time accepting the shots fired at me 

I do not know God’s plan in my life. I do not know the path He has for me. I do not know His purpose for these bruises and scars

I must learn to love myself again so I can stop begging others for love 

I must learn to love myself again so I don’t depend on the validation of others

I must learn to love myself again so I can stop hurting the people I don’t want to lose

I must learn to love myself again so I can stop being a burden 

But no matter how hard life gets for me

No matter how hard it is to keep going 

I must work to become a better me

I must be patient with this process 

In order to fill the cracks of my missing pieces

And rediscover myself 

I feel broken.

I feel like it's so hard for me to trust people especially those who've already done me wrong. If they've done me wrong and continue to lie to my face that just shows no respect towards me. You can't say you're sorry and you want to do better but don't even attempt on doing better. Someone can say they want a future with you but don't do anything to keep the relationship strong. No changed action, to attempt to change, no will to do better not only for themselves but for their partner. When I think of relationships I think of team effort not a one sided job. It takes two to work things out and it takes two to continue to nurture and grow the relationship. How do you expect to have a strong relationship when you can't even be honest? That goes for any friendship. I feel like every time I meet someone now I just assume they're lying to me. My love and trust for people has been tainted. I've grown so angry with the world because I feel like I can never get what I give out. I've grown so angry because I'm sick and tired of trying to learn how to retrust someone only to catch them in another lie. Big or small a lie is a lie. If you claim you love someone and you've hurt them and lied to them then you better do whatever it takes to win their trust back if you truly care about them and what you two have going on. Listen to them, ask what you need to do, and try and change. Show effort. Please show some fucking effort. Take the relationship seriously and don't take another chance for granted.

Well... I'm home. First quarter of grad school is over and I got through it and finished strong. I was worried about finals week because my depression was keeping me from studying and kept me from feeling motivated. But I passed and did great on my anatomy final and that's all that matters. First week back home was nice. I've been going out everyday and catching up with friends and I think my social meter has officially run out. It's fun and it's nice when I am around friends but the moment I get home I'm sad again. I was hoping I wouldn't feel sad anymore because now I'm around family and I'm around something familiar but the sadness really doesn't leave you. That's the worst part about it. It follows you and it stays dormant until you're in a vulnerable state again.

I am fucking sad.

I feel worthless. I feel unloved. I feel unwanted.

I've had to cancel some plans tonight because of it and although I feel guilty about it, I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. It's okay to put myself first but at the same time I only feel worse being alone at home. Sometimes I wish there was someone who would get me and someone who would understand what I am going through and just sit with me in a quiet room and keep me company. I can't be dependent on anyone but some fucking company would be nice. Especially now that I'm home I was hoping I could just have someone I can sit in quiet with and just relax. My thoughts are really bad today and at this point I don't know who to talk to and who to reach out to. I feel like the ones who I love most are just absent and unavailable and I don't want to be a burden on them. At this point I'd rather be in Arizona and be back in school with hopes that my course work will distract me and give me an excuse. As I type this my thoughts are getting worse. They're literally screaming in my ear and it's now giving me anxiety. I need to end this.

I've got to go.

Why did I wait so long to get professional help? I've only had 2 sessions so far but this is amazing. I truly appreciate that my therapist gives it to me bluntly and I love how great of a listener she is. I felt so comfortable just opening up to her about everything and said things that I never thought of before that helped paint a better picture of why I feel the way I feel. No, I don't feel 100% better and there is definitely a lot of things I need to work on with myself but one thing I know for sure is I am not as crazy as I think I am. She tells me I love so much and I'm always making excuses for how people treat or act towards me and that I push my own feelings to the side and don't validate those feelings enough. She told me the things I ask for is normal especially under the circumstances I've been through. Talking to her really made me realize that I've lost my sense of self and worth. I was able to talk to her about what I feel like I deserved and she asked me if I thought I was receiving that. It was a tough question and as much as I wanted to believe I was... I'm really not. I know I deserve more but that doesn't mean I don't already love what I have at the moment. Things are fine but they sure as hell can be better. I need to sort out what exactly I want and what I think I deserve. She also told me I pour so much of myself and need to make sure I surround myself with people who can at least make more effort in pouring out into whatever relationship we have whether it be romantically or friendly. She's given me a couple of exercises to work on and I'm so scared to do it but I'm also able to see the big picture at the same time. Crossing fingers towards this new step of self-love, self-worth, and self-progress.

I deserve to be happy.
I'll get there eventually.

word vomit

I visited a therapist this morning and shared more than I expected to share. I'm hopeful for this but at the same time I'm scared to hear something I don't want to hear. I'm sure it's something I'm going to need to hear eventually but I don't want to. I have a feeling I know where this will go but the thought of it scares me. At the end of the day I just want to "fix" myself. I don't want to be flooded with these thoughts, insecurities, and fears. I just want to live my life day by day and openly accept whatever happens in my life. My homework is to write out things I love about myself, where I want to be, and what my intuition has been telling me. She also told me to always follow my intuition because most of the time, it's always right. Now it's more of just knowing what is it intuition and what is sprouting from my insecurities and anxiety. Anyways, she's super sweet, soft spoken, and young and I'm scared but excited to see where this new journey takes me.

Wish me luck.

It’s getting harder. 

My mental health is not getting better. I’m losing motivation to do anything, it’s getting hard to be around other people, I’m hating myself and the way I look, and I feel empty inside almost every day. I try to be around my friends but there’s something in me that tries to get out of the funk. Nothing works. I give myself days off and try to get more sleep, but still feel so tired throughout the day. I want to sleep for hours on end but even with some sleep, the fatigue does not go away. I want to cry all the time, I feel alone, I feel like no one wants to be around me, I feel like no one loves me… I don’t feel worth it. I feel like I’m wasting peoples time and I feel like I’m annoying people with my presence and bringing them down instead of being an uplifting person to and for them. I don’t want to be dependent on others to make me feel better but some time would be nice. I want to be able to talk to someone about this but I don’t know who. 

I’m so tired of feeling worthless and alone. 

7

Week 7. I have been in graduate school for 7 weeks. The weeks have gone by fast but it feels like it has been forever at the same time. I am filled with a lot of self doubt and sadness. It’s lonely being alone but I am glad I have my dogs with me. I have made an amazing group of friends and I love them already but I feel like I don’t belong at the same time. They’re all so smart and all do well on the exams. I’m passing but I can’t help but compare myself with them and how they’re scoring on the exams. I know I’m not dumb. There’s just something not clicking for me and it’s bothering me so much. I’m studying for hours a day but once the exam is in front of me I panic and forget everything. I’ve tried breathing techniques, white noise, more sleep, almost everything and nothing is working for me. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that doesn’t get me anywhere… Is it because we have 10 weeks to learn a bunch of information? Can’t be. Cal Poly was quarter system and I managed just fine. Is it because I have 7 classes and am in school for hours a day? Maybe… But I know I shouldn’t be making excuses and instead should just adapt into the new environment, learn a new way to learn… I need to learn how to study better. Midterms just ended but we already have another anatomy exam next Monday. I know things but I don’t know a lot more. I never know what to eat. I feel like I no longer have time to cook a decent meal. I almost feel guilty because I should be studying instead of cooking. My mind is chaotic. My apartment is a mess. I have a pile of laundry I need to do. I don’t feel like I deserve to be here. I feel like I won’t get through. I can’t stop beating myself up over this. I’m feeling tired all the time. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I’m really sad. I feel like giving up.

FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY

I am full of happiness and love. I feel so loved.

John came down this weekend to celebrate our 4 year anniversary together. That's right, FOUR YEARS. I spent all of Friday studying in order to be able to have some spare time to dedicate to John this weekend because I have my very first anatomy exam on Monday. I had the worst headache that day as well as a breakdown because I am literally BALDING and am ready to chop my hair off.

Before I knew it, it was 11:15 pm and John was 45 minutes away and I hadn't showered or made his dinner. I took a quick shower and defrosted the salmon and began cooking the corn and potatoes. Once John got here my headache went away and I just couldn't stop hugging him. He gave me loads of noodles and snacks to satisfy my spice cravings and brought things for our charcuterie board and brought wine, and a bunch of other things. Once he finished with dinner we went to bed.

Saturday morning he prepared breakfast and make breakfast burritos with orange juice while I got ready. I left for school around 9:30 and got back home around 12. Within that time John had cleaned and organized my apartment, took the trash out, and unloaded things for me. When I say my love languages were TINGLINGGGG. Then in the afternoon John tried to nap for a bit while I studied and eventually woke up. He quizzed me for a bit on innervations and actions and then we took the boys to the dog park. As soon as my body started piling up with bites we headed back and John began making dinner. I moved to the room so that I could study more and all I smelled was the aroma of whatever he was cooking. Heard him said "oh shit" and thought something was wrong and checked on him. He had me try a sauce he was making and I said the same thing. That was SO GOOD. Facetimed my parents for a bit and showed them John cooking and then went back to studying. Eventually my brain started to stop so I went out and offered to wash dishes while he plated everything. We had a nice dinner and everything he prepared was amazing. I wanted to show it all off already! We ended the night with wine and charcuterie while watching YouTube videos in the living room.

Sunday morning we Door Dashed breakfast and John played a movie while I studied for a bit more. Then around 2 he headed out to get refill my water for me, bought my medicine, and bought lunch. We watched Wu-Tang while eating lunch at the sofa and eventually went to room to try to nap. It was unsuccessful though because the boys kept being disruptive so we just packed. John headed out and now I'm home alone. Sad but blessed. It's the small things. The small things he does to show me he loves me. I'm so fucking thankful for that. I offered to help him and he said "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" since whenever I'm at his place I help clean his room and do his laundry. I think learning each others love languages is key to a happy relationship as well. The fact that he literally told me to relax and just study while he cleaned and cooked shows me he loves me. He's taking a load off for me during this stressful time and I am so lucky to have him. I'll be thinking about this nonstop because this weekend was a dream. We planned to go to Scottsdale for a nice dinner but this was 100x better than I could have ever imagined. I thank the Lord for John every single day. I wouldn't trade this for anything else.

John Roiz, I love you so fucking much. 

                 

John,

I don’t think I tell you enough how thankful I am for you and all you’ve done for me. I don’t think you realize just how much you mean to me and I truly can’t see myself doing life without you. These next couple years will be a test for the both of us but I know our love will prevail. The thought of distance scares the living hell out of me and that’s all I’ve been thinking about since the day I found out I got into Midwestern University. Thank you for being excited for me and for reassuring me that we will overcome the distance. I’m already looking forward to the days I get to be with you again. You have done so much for me and have introduced me to so many new things that I didn’t think I’d ever do on my own. You’ve taught me so much from how to score golf, how to defend myself, how to learn a song in 16 minutes, how to save on gas when driving, how to make a chopstick holder, and much more. Most importantly, you taught me how to love. I’ve only experienced one sided relationships, heart brokenness, and lack of trust. You taught me how to find confidence in myself and you taught me how to be a better lover. It wasn’t until you that I had to learn to stop holding things in and to communicate more. I had to learn how to be patient, forgiving, strong, trusting, and vulnerable with you. We have our fair share of disagreements and sometimes it scares me that we might not have tomorrow together after some of them but there’s just something in us that pushes through and makes it work. Like I said, there is no one else I’d rather be with than you. People can call me crazy but at this point in my life I can’t help but think about you during such big changes in my life because I see you in my future. The decisions I make in life involve you. You’ve become such a big part of my life and your existence is such a blessing. I still look at you and get butterflies in my stomach, I still look at you and fall more in love with you. I’m always looking forward to when I get to see you again and smother you in hugs and kisses. I hope you know just how important you are in my life and how much you mean to me. I hope you know the impact you’ve made in my life as well. I pray for you and I pray for strength and health. I’m so excited for your own future for yourself and I hope you continue to dream big and reach for the stars. You deserve all the greatness life has to offer. Your strength is admirable and I am confident you can get through anything. I am so proud of you and I am always rooting for you. Never forget your worth and never forget to trust in the Lord and His promise for you. I hope you always feel loved every single day and I hope you always keep fighting through the darkness. You are an amazing human being and I am so lucky and blessed to be doing life with you John Roiz. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you! 

I love you

Char

...thank you Lord

Literally after I submitted my last post, I looked up some sermons online by one of my favorite pastors. This was posted 2 hours before I made my post.

I began to tear at the dealership looool

Blessed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp44jJWjnJk

Anxiety

There is so much change happening in my life and time is only ticking. I wish the clock could slow down so I could spend quality time with those I love but I lack the power of doing so. My chest hurts at the thought of me moving so far from comfort and I am so scared of my future. I am so scared of being miles away from my family, friends, and boyfriend.

I cannot put into proper words the emotions I feel. I cannot explain the anxiety that visits me almost daily and I cannot comprehend what has been happening in my life. This post is a complete mess.

How fast will 27 months go? What should I expect during these times? Why am I so insecure? Why do I feel like crying 24/7? What if I don't pass grad school? What if I will never become an Occupational Therapist? Will I make new friends? Why do I feel so strongly? Why am I easily hurt and offended? What is my worth? What do I deserve? What if it happens again? What am I capable of? Will I get through this? How often will I get to see people I love while I am away? Do you still want me? Are we ready for this? Will people actually want to visit me? Am I worth it to anyone? Why do I feel so worthless? Am I selfish to feel this way? Are these feelings valid? Is it okay to feel this way? Who loves me? What happened to me? Will this all be worth it? Why haven't you told me you loved me yet today?

Time waits for no one and this is a wave we all ride. I'm literally writing this out while I wait for my car to get serviced. I've been here since 7:45am and my car won't be ready until past 12:30. I have so much left to do before I move and I don't want to do any of it because I can't accept the reality yet. I still can't believe anything that's happening and I hate that I cannot predict the future. I can't accept that this is something I cannot fully prepare myself for. I hate change, I hate surprises. I need something constant to provide me reassurance. If there will be change, I need daily reassurance. I need something to remain stable within the change. My anxiety and constant worry was never this bad but I feel as though things started to get this bad around February of 2017. Now my days are literally filled with worrisome thoughts.

Dear Lord,
         Please prepare me for this new season in my life. Please equip me with the tools I need to get through the hard days and prepare me for things in my life that will be out of my control. Please provide me comfort and please take care of those in my life. Please take care of my parents, my family, John, John's family, my friends, and my dear puppies. Please help me get through grad school. Help me be confident in my abilities and to not be defeated by anxiety and worry. I pray for safety, wisdom, encouragement, support, and love. Many people may ignore me and not see efforts or may not acknowledge what I do, but may I find it in myself to provide myself with encouragement. Help me see my worth Lord. Help me push myself and achieve what I am capable of achieving. I am so scared and I am so lost.

Amen.

Ain't It Crazy

Forty-one days ago I made a post about constant rejections and growing doubts about myself, what I am capable of, and even what God's plan was for me. Little did I know that 13 days later I would be receiving a call of acceptance from Midwestern University. It's been a while since receiving that call and I am still filled with so many emotions. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited as hell for this new chapter in my life but I am also filled with fear. I'm moving out of state to Arizona in a little over 2 months from now which means leaving behind my parents, my family, my dogs, my friends, and John. I'm literally moving out alone with no one with me and I don't know shit outside of this bubble I've grown in. I know this is for the best but I am so scared to leave every single thing familiar to me behind and learn to figure things out on my own. I am fucking terrified. My insecurities have been piercing through again and things I told myself I'd forget about still haven't left my mind. I just need more answers but it's never the right time and I don't think it ever will be.

I began following a couple Occupational Therapy accounts on Instagram and it's been giving me a boost of excitement whenever I see something pop up on my feed. In a couple years, God willing, I myself will be a freakin Occupational Therapist. I still can't wrap my head around it and I still can't believe I am one step closer to my dreams. I never thought I'd be moving out of state... I always knew I wanted to move out during grad school but I figured an hour or two hour drive from home and not a whole five hour drive. I'm excited to see myself grow within this time and I am proud as fuck for myself and getting to where I am today. I always think back to high school me when I didn't care about shit. I knew I wanted to go to college but never knew exactly what I wanted to do and just listened to what people told me to do. The Lord really paved a way and introduced me to OT and I can't see myself being anything else but one.

To be honest, I am scared shitless for a long distance relationship. I've had one before and it didn't work out because my ex began to fall for another girl. I know I can't assume John will do the same but I can't help but overthink because so much can happen in two years. Although for a while, we only saw each other roughly once a week, I think knowing the convenience of being 30-45 minutes away from each other is what gave me comfort. I can't just drive 5 hours to him and vice versa if I miss him and just want a hug. I just pray nothing changes between us and that these past 3.5 years together was for nothing because I love this man... We've been through some shit, almost didn't think we'd make it through, but love definitely conquered through and gave us the strength to keep going. Relationships were never made to be easy but I think at the end of the day, the two need to decide if it's worth it or not. I can't wait to be with this man and I can't wait to start a family with him. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this because it wasn't until John where I actually thought of marriage. Anyways, I lift up this relationship to God and trust in His will for John and I.  I pray for strength, continuous love, patience, honesty, and time for us two as well. I pray we still find time at the end of our busy days to catch up and talk like how we always do now. I pray there will be time in between to get together and spend some time with another. I pray for John's safety, for his health, for himself, for his family, and for his future.

Wish me luck friends.
Ari-fuckin'-zona

I keep getting rejection after rejection while everyone else around me is getting into grad schools.

I just want to cry.

Why am I not good enough for anything...

I Want To

I want to be there for everyone so bad
Especially the people who I love so much
But I think I'm getting drained

I've pushed aside a lot of the hurt I was feeling
So I could be there for others
And give them as much comfort as I can

But as the days progress,
I can't help but notice my pain creeping back in
I've put it in the back burner and almost forgot about it

Maybe I didn't forget about it
But more of, was too occupied to acknowledge it
Was too busy trying to help others that

I didn't have time to help myself first.

-c

Demons Demolition

I am tired of being hopeful.
I am tired of being there for everyone but myself.
I came into the new year with probably the worst state I have ever been in.
My demons are back and are ready to make some damage. It's been getting harder to get through the day lately and with what has happened these past couple of days into the new year, it has become unbearable.

Things started to get bad in the beginning of September. I was having suicidal thoughts every single day and I could not get any rest that month. I was also trying to balance getting the hang of my new job and applying to grad schools as well as my relationship. I guess I sensed everything slowly going downhill within this time and began feeling worthless. I just kept thinking of how great things would be if I wasn't here anymore, that I wasn't worthy of anything, that I couldn't achieve anything, and that I just didn't belong here anymore. It was a constant battle in my head that I felt like I couldn't win. It got as far as thinking of ways to kill myself faster. Despite all of this, I knew deep down I could never do that to myself. I knew I didn't want to die. I needed help... in fact, I WANTED help. These thoughts were out of my control and I couldn't just stop them. I had panic attacks once or twice a week and had anxiety on the daily. I knew my parents would laugh at the thought of me getting professional help but I also did not want to burden any of my friends or family. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Everyone seemed so busy with life that me opening up to them would just add on as another responsibility for them. I fought this battle alone because at the same time my faith had disappeared... God at the time felt distant to me and I did nothing about it to get Him back next to me. I know God is always here and He is always present but the demons were stronger and going back to God wasn't an option for me. The month was so hard for me and it wasn't until the first week of October where I made a decision to open up to someone. I reached out to my cousin, Jashley, and we spent some time at the beach praying and opening up to each other. Tears were shed and it felt so good to get all of this out of my chest. I felt really good the week following but everything started creeping back up. At this time I still felt very distant from my boyfriend and just felt like things weren't as great as they used to be. I knew he was busy and I knew he was stressed and opening up about how I felt turned into an argument so I just told myself to give him the space he needs. I was open. I told him how I was feeling. I heard how he felt, I felt bad and guilty for feeling what I felt and in fact I felt selfish. I felt selfish for asking for more attention when I knew he was tired and busy with work. I felt alone for the last couple months of 2018. My friends were all busy, our group texts would be dry, no one would respond... I graduated already so my friends from college were back at home and some lived far away. My cousin was busy with her friends and I didn't have enough money saved to take her out sometimes. I even got my first grad school rejection letter at this time. I was so alone. I felt like I didn't have anyone. I picked up a habit of going to the gym but that only took up a short amount of time during my day. Even if I was with other people I still felt sad. I felt like I was a waste of time and a bother to them and that they didn't really want to hang out with me and just felt some obligation towards it. I was scared for the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect and I just wanted to get it over with. Despite all that, I did look forward to our annual Christmas Eve party but that ended up as a shit show. So then I looked forward to New Years Eve. It was nice. It was a small celebration and I was around great company. I felt hopeful for the new year.

I was wrong. Without going into details, I knew things wouldn't be the same anymore. My relationships have been compromised and I just wanted to distance myself from everyone and everything. Whenever I had the opportunity to have the day for myself, I took it as a chance to sleep all day. It was a way for me to get away from my thoughts and from the world. I was angry with everyone but mostly with myself. Things were good when we went to Vegas to celebrate Shivani's birthday and I wish I could go back in time to enjoy myself in the moment more but I can't. I was tired, I was sad, I was distant. I wanted to be around my best friends, I wanted to be present but my mind and body just wouldn't let me. It was so hard to be happy, as much as I wanted to be. All I wanted to do was cry and that's exactly what I did. Now coming back, I got another rejection letter from a school I thought I at least had a good chance with. I just feel hopeless. These demons are killing me. I want to escape. I can't. Something isn't letting me no matter how hard I try. I still want help. I know I need help. There is so much built up anger and sadness in me that I don't know why or how it started. I need someone to help me find answers. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of not being able to get sleep at night, and I'm tired of being tired during the day. I'm so tired of having anxiety consume a majority of my day. I'm so tired of all these negative thoughts eating me alive. I am so tired of hearing apologies with no changed behaviors. I am so tired of holding onto things that hurt me and I am so tired of being tired. I just feel as if everything is out of my control and my future has been stripped away and everything now seems further away. All the things I was excited for after graduating has been thrown out. I'm exhausted. I am tired of constantly feeling alone. I am so sad. How is it that I am tired of being and feeling alone yet when the opportunity arises, I would rather stay home alone and not be around other people. It's gotten harder to be around others. It's getting harder faking a smile. I'm easily irritated. I'm easily annoyed around other people.

What is happening to me?
How can I get out of this?
I need help.