I've had issues with my body for the past couple years and I have yet to find acceptance with it. I look at myself in the mirror and get so disgusted with myself. I am currently on a 23 day streak of working out and burning over 500 active calories a day and the last 4 days I've challenged myself to hit 700 with one day being 800. Prior to the 23 day streak I had an 8 day streak but broke it because I was drained from school. I've been upping my vegetable intake but I know I'm probably having a hard time losing fat because I still eat carbs but it's so hard to leave the house because of this pandemic and I fear even just going out to the grocery store regularly to keep up with fresh foods so I end up eating noodles or something frozen like hot pockets. I am honestly starting to notice an obsession with my calorie burn and I need to take a step back and not be too hard on myself because I do not want this developing into something unhealthy. I know I need to up my protein intake and I need to lift but I have no weights at home so I've been doing weightless work outs. Currently doing boxing everyday for at least 30 minutes and because of this 700 cal challenge I'll bump it up to 70 minutes a day. I know my face is slimming down but the rest of my body isn't. Sometimes there are days where I feel like my arms are slimmer and my stomach is more lean but then I put on clothes other than my baggy usuals and I get disgusted with what I see. I hate how I look in the mirror, in front cameras, on my webcam... I literally hate my body.

Social media has also ruined my body image and self esteem because it seems like all these girls have the same body types. 0 waist, B cup, nice waists, thin legs and arms and I'm here feeling comfortable in shirts 1-2 sizes larger. I look at myself in the mirror and I want to cry every single day. I plan to get off birth control to see if I can lose a good amount of weight without it. I started a new pill this month and I feel like it's making me bloated and extra fatigued so I have to break my workouts up because I feel like napping. I also at the same time can't fucking go to sleep. I toss and turn until 3 in the morning.

I don't know how to love myself. I look at myself and feel disgusted and I am ashamed and embarrassed to be around others because everyone looks so good and I just have rolls everywhere. For a while I felt really encouraged with my progress and discipline of working out everyday but the moment I put on "regular" clothes I just see all my insecurities bleed through. I don't like going out in public, I don't like being seen, I don't like going to family events because Filipino's are so harsh with weight, I know I'm talked about and compared to my old skinny self. I'm so aware of these things. I miss my old body. I can't learn to love myself in the skin I'm in. I don't feel beautiful.

I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm not slim enough.
I'm not worth it.

Do You Remember?

I miss you. I've been thinking bout you a lot again. I miss being able to just text you randomly to talk about a memory, ask a question about my birth control pills (haha), to gossip, and plan for our futures. I look back at pictures and tell myself, "No she can't be gone. That's impossible." This month will be 3 months since you left us and with everything going on it's been hard to really process it still. I wish I could talk to you about what's going on in the world, hear your opinion on it, and just have a conversation with you.

I thought about you even more because "What Dreams Are Made Of" from the Lizzie Mcguire movie just came to my mind randomly while I was cleaning the dishes. Do you remember back when I started writing more, I would write songs and sing them to you and you'd bop your head like it was the next best thing and would actually sing along with me. I thought of my version of this song and instead it was Halloween related and it was like, "Have you ever seen such a spooky night? You could even see the ghosts shining so bright?" Even until recently it would be one of those "Do you remember?"'s for us. Today I wanted to text you to ask if you remembered. Then do you remember when we would play Maplestory together after school and make MMV's? As embarrassing as that past was for me, it holds a different kind of meaning to me now.

It's so crazy that your outlook on things change when you lose someone. You learn to cherish things more than you thought you did, you learn how to value time differently, and you learn how to stop holding back on fears and to just live more in the moment. I know the pain of you being gone will never go away and I think a part of me will always have a hard time believing you've left us at such a young age. I miss singing to childhood songs with you. I miss us dancing around my house. I miss going out with you. I miss our sleepovers. I miss seeing you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss you like crazy every single day. As I type this listening to Hillary Duff's "So Yesterday" I can't help but cry. You were my childhood best friend. We had some rough patches but I'm so thankful that we still grew close no matter what. I miss your voice... I miss your laugh. I wish we had more videos of you so we can hear your voice again.

We had so much planned. So much to look forward to. I almost feel guilty if the cousins do something because it doesn't feel fair to keep going on without you. But when I think that way I feel you speaking to me and telling me not to think this way. I really hope you're doing okay. Please forgive me when I get angry when I think about how we lost you. I'm having a hard time not being angry about it because maybe you would still been here. Maybe I could have been a better cousin for you. I promise to be there for Ate J and Jashley. Please visit us again soon. You are so loved. You are so missed. The world doesn't turn the same without you. Our angel.