I wish I could stop caring as hard as I do for people. I feel like I do too much and it starts to overwhelm others. I wish I could just take a step back before doing something. You know what, I actually loved this part about myself and I think that’s what made me feel like Occupational Therapy was a good fit for me. I love hard. I care for others and their well being. I want what’s best for those around me. But then when I think about its impact in my own personal life, it’s just overwhelming and I feel like it pushes people away. It actually makes me sad that I’m like this. I’m sad because I feel like I give so much of myself away and it’s not that I expect it in return but there’s just so many times where I feel depleted and burnt out. But then when I feel burnt out it gets mistaken for me being grumpy. It’s not that I’m angry at the individual, I’m angry with myself so I try to distance myself. Despite feeling this way, I still keep giving because I truly care about those I care for and want to make sure they’re doing well too. I always feel like others either feel bad or feel forced to check up on me and I hate that. It’s so hard for me to put myself first that I start to lose a sense of who I am and it makes it hard for me to love myself. I tried to ask people if they had videos of me they could share because I found this idea on TikTok that people make montages of themselves as a form of self love. I’ve never had something like that done for me until recently for my birthday from my best friends. I rarely hear words of encouragement, so I wanted to make a video for myself. I couldn’t get any good videos though so that’s out the window too. I think that’s why I get so emotional when I hear feedback from people I work with for fieldwork when they say how much they loved working with me because for once I feel seen and validated. I don’t hear that as much. I have a hard time being positive for myself. I look at this trait I have and genuinely get mad at myself for it. Is it bad that I care for people’s safety? Why am I so bothered of what people want to do? Why can’t I just “do me” and focus on myself? Why don’t I know how to do that? Why do I keep looking for validity? Why do I keep trying to make people like me? Why do I feel so defeated at the thought that someone doesn’t like me? It’s not like I feel 100% with everyone either? Is that selfish of me? The fact that I am writing this gives me so much anxiety and my heart rate is so fast. I seriously hate myself for being how I am but I also at the same time wish I could be there for myself the way I am for others. 

W.A.Y.S

Promises

Eternal Sunshine

I cannot listen to those songs anymore without tearing ever since my cousin left us. 

I wish you could be here and see everything we're doing. I just know how proud you would have been and every time I think of you and start to miss you, I feel like I know what you would have told us to show your support. I like to think of those thoughts of you actually telling me that yourself. I can't believe it's been half a year already. The time has been going by so fast but not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Every time I check my instagram page I see your face and start to feel emotional. I know you're up there watching over us and still cheering us on, I just know it. The pain of knowing you are no longer physically with us still lingers. I cry a couple nights a week when I start missing you. The reality has not hit yet and I know the pain of your absence will always linger. I get so many flashbacks of all the birthdays, the Christmas and Thanksgiving parties, Sunday mornings, gym sessions, sister dates, and our childhood and the shit we used to do in my house. I was showing one of my friends my old Maplestory videos and came across the Fabulous one you and I made together. I can't stop thinking of you and your laugh. Your presence lit up the room and your vibes were contagious. Everything about you is so memorable and impactful in all our lives. I still feel your presence and know you're still with us but I wish I could give you another hug. 

I don't think I will ever stop questioning why God brought you home so soon. I don't think I will ever understand and be okay with how you left us on this earth. But I am so fucking thankful to have had the opportunity to be your cousin in this lifetime and I can't wait for us to reunite in the after life.