Do You Remember?

I miss you. I've been thinking bout you a lot again. I miss being able to just text you randomly to talk about a memory, ask a question about my birth control pills (haha), to gossip, and plan for our futures. I look back at pictures and tell myself, "No she can't be gone. That's impossible." This month will be 3 months since you left us and with everything going on it's been hard to really process it still. I wish I could talk to you about what's going on in the world, hear your opinion on it, and just have a conversation with you.

I thought about you even more because "What Dreams Are Made Of" from the Lizzie Mcguire movie just came to my mind randomly while I was cleaning the dishes. Do you remember back when I started writing more, I would write songs and sing them to you and you'd bop your head like it was the next best thing and would actually sing along with me. I thought of my version of this song and instead it was Halloween related and it was like, "Have you ever seen such a spooky night? You could even see the ghosts shining so bright?" Even until recently it would be one of those "Do you remember?"'s for us. Today I wanted to text you to ask if you remembered. Then do you remember when we would play Maplestory together after school and make MMV's? As embarrassing as that past was for me, it holds a different kind of meaning to me now.

It's so crazy that your outlook on things change when you lose someone. You learn to cherish things more than you thought you did, you learn how to value time differently, and you learn how to stop holding back on fears and to just live more in the moment. I know the pain of you being gone will never go away and I think a part of me will always have a hard time believing you've left us at such a young age. I miss singing to childhood songs with you. I miss us dancing around my house. I miss going out with you. I miss our sleepovers. I miss seeing you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss you like crazy every single day. As I type this listening to Hillary Duff's "So Yesterday" I can't help but cry. You were my childhood best friend. We had some rough patches but I'm so thankful that we still grew close no matter what. I miss your voice... I miss your laugh. I wish we had more videos of you so we can hear your voice again.

We had so much planned. So much to look forward to. I almost feel guilty if the cousins do something because it doesn't feel fair to keep going on without you. But when I think that way I feel you speaking to me and telling me not to think this way. I really hope you're doing okay. Please forgive me when I get angry when I think about how we lost you. I'm having a hard time not being angry about it because maybe you would still been here. Maybe I could have been a better cousin for you. I promise to be there for Ate J and Jashley. Please visit us again soon. You are so loved. You are so missed. The world doesn't turn the same without you. Our angel.