To My Senses

They ask me how I feel when I am with you and yet I struggle to find the words to describe our love.
It is undeniable what love can do to anyone. How it can make us feel.
But when I am with you, all my senses tingle.

When I see you it gets so hard to turn away. I am mesmerized in your eyes and your smile. How your eyes crinkle when you smile too hard and how your deep dimples complete your smile. When you look at me, I feel your love radiate through you. When I cry, you look at me and that's how I know how much you care. Your eyes glisten and I feel your emotion speak through them. They are soft, they are brown, they are you.

When I hear you, I feel your soul speak to and through me. Your voice is soft and sweet. Your laugh is kind and uplifting. I look forward to nothing other than to hear your voice at the end of the day. I look forward to hearing you tell me about what you did, what your plans are... I look forward to hearing you tell me you love me. You speak knowledge and wisdom. You speak of your interests and your fears and I listen. I never want to miss out on getting to know you more and more. Your voice is gentle, your voice is you.

When I taste you, I taste the fire in you. It is a calm fire but you set every part of me in flames. Your lips send chills throughout my skin and your kisses make me weak. They have melted inside of me. Your kisses remind me of my favorite fruit--sweet. You kiss me passionately and within those kisses is a form of "I love you" that is almost like a secret. When we meet your kisses replace a "hello" and when we depart, your kisses say, "I'll see you soon". Our lips were meant for one another, your taste is you.

When I smell you, a movie scene forms in my mind. I feel your presence around me through your smell. For you may live miles away, hugging your flannel at night feels like hugging your body. Your smell reminds me of home. For you have become my shelter, the distance is pulled near through your scent. If I were to stop breathing one day, I would want my last smell to be of you. The one thing in this Earth that I love so much. Your smell is you.

When I feel you... When I feel you I feel safe. I feel guarded and I feel wanted. I have waited for a love to move me in a way yours has. Your touch is electrifying and powerful. When I feel your skin pressed against mine, all my troubles seem to diminish even for a short while. When I feel your touch, there is a continuous longing for more. When I feel you wrapped around me I feel complete. Your touch is you.

I have never longed for someone the way I have longed for you, my love. We were made for each other and I know we both feel the same. My love for you is courageous and true. Never have I wanted something to work out so badly. Through the ups and downs, there is no one else in this world I want to overcome obstacles with other than you. There is no one else in this world who can peak my senses the way you have. We are meant to be together. We are meant to genuinely and wholeheartedly love and I am so glad to express my love to none other but you. I never knew a love like ours before you. It is new and different. It is something I know I never want to one day have to live without.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Personality Contrasts

For we are crafted and molded differently.
We are different.

We possess similar characteristics between one another,
But within these traits are differences.

I am who I am.
I am comfortable with who I am.
Everything is placed where I place it.
What I want visible to me, is visible.

The color of my room is a color I have chosen for myself.
It is what I am content with.
If ever it is in me to want to change its color, then I will.

I am with myself everyday, twenty-four seven.
I know how I like things placed,
I know the order of my day,
I know the ins and outs of the crevice of my own room.

I like to buy things.
I like make up.
I like clothes.
I like purses.
I like CD's and books.

Everything that makes me myself
Is scattered around my room.
I am different.
You are different.
Visions may clash, visions may contrast.

I would appreciate who I am being kept the way you found me.
I would appreciate for things in my life to be kept the way I've set it.
I would appreciate acknowledgment for my effort instead of my absences.

I tried to please you
But in return receive criticism.
I refused to hear it,
Because instead I was angry I couldn't please you to your liking.

We are different.
I try my best to be understanding with your differences.
Please try to be understanding with mine.

ReEncounters

The years have passed and the deep cuts have been stitched. If you want to know how I'm doing, let me tell you... I'm doing fine.

Though I've been burdened by your absence for a while, I have found light at the end of the tunnel. I have found what I have not been looking for even without you around. I found a friendship before you than had blossomed into something beautiful. I have found a different kind of love and I found it with someone who cares about how I feel. I have found it with someone who cares about my wellbeing and well as my family's wellbeing. Someone who cares when I'm sad and who cares when I'm quiet and wants to make sure I'm doing okay.

I have found someone willing to meet with me at least once a week despite the distance spaced between us. I have been welcomed into a new family and have been accepted for who I am and who have taken the time to get to know me.

What I have now maybe could have been with you but there are reasons why we did not work out. Most importantly, I have been finding ways to stay in like with you. Forcing myself to be okay with certain things because that's how much I wanted us to work out. I had to force myself to believe something selfishly despite the circumstances in between. But see, now I've found the missing piece I've been looking for. For now the puzzle pieces have fallen perfectly into place. I am where easily fit. I don't have to trim certain edges or adjust myself according to fit.

I'm very happy now. I'll admit that I'm upset at the distance that's grown between us but I've grown to be okay with it because I would not be where I am today without it. Who would have thought all this would have happened within a year? Within a couple of months crying over you? Who would have thought that I'd grow closer to the love of my life with the absence of you? I'll never know how things happened but I'm glad it did. I've never been so happy and I'm so happy that my family loves John just as much as I love him. I'm blessed.

But it was nice seeing you again. I hope you're doing well and I wish I could have talked to you more when I saw you. Wish I could ask about what you're doing now that you're done with school and now that your sister is going to college. But I guess some things are better left unsaid and that's okay.

Sharp Shatters

She felt the shards of glass penetrate deep into her skin

Deeper and deeper

The numbness slowly radiated throughout her body 

Rising from the feet up

The hue of her skin began to turn purple and she began to suffocate 

She is gasping and gasping  

As the light hit the ground,

The glass reflected pictures of familiarity 

What radiated was her smile and his face...

The playbacks of past experiences 

That once meant the world to her

Began to dim it's meaning as she kept walking

What happens as a result of inconsistency?

What happens to the soul when everything once so known becomes a pile of questions? 

What is the outcome of empty promises and lonely nights?

What becomes the unknowing?

As her walks further on, 

What once were joyous memories becomes reflections of 

Dark rooms, wet pillowcases, and smudged make up.

Resulting into late night calls to voices she's never spoken to before.

She needs that light again

But where is it to be found? 

The voice in her head is unfamiliar 

Deep, hollow and strange 

Who is there to call when her mind is telling her 

That her comfort is too tired 

To hear about what she's going through?

As the distance grew, so did her certainty 

She had hopes for herself

Hopes that began to seem more and more distant 

As she continued to hurt herself

Physically, mentally, and emtionaly 

She begins to falter as she stubbles over the glass

Her feet and ankles are covered in blood 

She is crying. She is in pain. She is so lost. 

The path ahead her is losing it's color

She is going blind.

She does not have help.  

Week 10

Today was okay. I've been really stressed in one of my classes due to my professors inconsistent and unprofessional work ethics and grading system. We had group presentations in the span of the past 2 weeks. My group was the second group to present on the first day (we only meet once week). The group prior to us only presented for 26 minutes. When we went up we tried our best to hit the minimum 45 minutes but it was so hard because we ran out of things to say. My group was able to milk our presentation for 38 minutes. The group after us also did 38 minutes. No group on the first night hit that 45 minute mark. We got our grades back and the group that went after us got an A+ whereas ours got a B-... Where we're all confused is how and why did we get docked off so much for not hitting the 45 minutes? The other group didn't get deducted at all and when we got our notes back, all my professor wrote was pretty much just her saying we didn't meet the 45 minutes. So she pretty much dropped us a whole grade letter just for that. We got complimented on the other aspects of our presentation. See, I understand why she would deduct points for not hitting a specific time mark, but why didn't she deduct anything to the other group who literally had the same time as our group? Inconsistent grading. Mind you we never got specific instructions or even a rubric for this assignment so everyone just pulled it out of their asses to complete it.

This is the same professor who literally wrote her midterm last minute and no one in the 2 classes she has got an A because we couldn't understand half of her questions on the exam. This is the professor who doesn't have any handouts or slides to present to the class during her lectures. This is the professor who doesn't hand out any rubrics or clear instructions for her assignments. We have a research paper due tomorrow and since we don't have a rubric or a set instruction for this assignment, every time someone asks her to clarify what we need to do, she gives another answer. Even she doesn't know what we have to do for our paper that SHE is assigning. One night it's to research a specific curriculum and discuss it, next it's creating your own curriculum in essay form, and her other class has the same paper assigned to them but they only have to do 3 pages and we have to do 4... I'm so sorry guys. Today was upsetting. I'm very upset at the grade and lack of proper and thorough feedback my group got for our presentation. When I asked her what else she deducted us on all she said was it was too short... but like a said... another group presented and got the same time as us and got an A+..........When I asked my professor in front of that group and said, why didn't they get deducted for their presentation but we had the same time..........she just......shrugged... her... shoulders.....

The day did turn around I guess. After class I took some time to breathe up at Three Oaks and got a text from Sherissa that she was at Starbucks studying. I caught up with her and finished another assignment and got a notification that my final for one of my classes got posted. I got an A on it so at least I have some sanity there knowing I have an A in that class for sure. I have 1 paper due tomorrow and one due next week for my social justice class that will serve as my final. Only have to come to class next Wednesday for my in class final in this class I'm completely upset towards. Also John used the Starbucks app to order me a hot cocoa but accidentally ordered me a skinny hot cocoa instead. I thought it was really sweet of him and appreciate the gesture.

Wish me luck fam.

I finally listened to Sabrina Claudio's full album that was recently released on Spotify. Stumbled her song "I Don't" and wow, the emotion you hear from her voice sends chills down your body. I don't want to say I can relate to the lyrics, but I can feel the pain through it... and it's making me feel horrible but in a good way? Haha

Today was an okay day. I'm really excited for all my friends graduating this year. I was just thinking about how much I still have to do to graduate and felt overwhelmed with everything. I'm still a year away from it, God willing. I'm still so far from my next steps I need to take in order to even qualify for graduate school. I still have so much left to do. It's hard to stay motivated when I'm thinking about other things. Before I know it, it'll be fall and time for me to start the application process. What if I don't get in anywhere? What if I'm not qualified for anything?

I'm actually looking forward to the spring quarter and the rest of my time at Cal Poly. I've planned out my schedule from now until graduation and the classes I'm taking from here on out will not be easy. My quarters will be packed but hopefully I'll find motivation through there. I guess it's a good thing too because I'll be saving money and going out less again. Today was actually a good class day only because I was able to talk to more people in my class. Normally I will be kept to myself and shy to talk to new people but I was able to converse with a lot of the girls in my class about something other than group work. I'm actually stressed about my final next week, I only have one in class final to take but I'm currently at a B in the class and I need to raise it to at least a B+ since I feel like an A is almost impossible because of what's left to turn in. Crossing fingers though. Next quarter I'm taking one Child Dev class, a Biology class split into 3 separate classes, and an Abnormal Psychology class. I'm excited most for the psych class but I'm also mentally preparing myself for the papers and exams. I'm mostly scared for my planned fall schedule because I'm taking a physiology class and I've heard lots of heads up about what to expect through it.

Need to stay strong in my faith. I know God can give me the best support and strength to get through this. I may be a little behind that my friends but I know I'll get there eventually. I just need to remember to take things one step at a time.

The Lord is far from the wicked, 

but he hears the prayer of the righteous 

Proverbs 15:29

Spare Change

May the Lord direct your hearts into God's 

love and Christ's perseverance 

2 Thessalonians 3:5

I haven't been feeling like myself. My insides feel numb and my mind is constantly creating scenarios in my mind. I can't shake it off. I've honestly been crying every night for the past week and even while the process is in progress, I can't stop crying. Blame the hormones perhaps, but why do I feel this way? Why has the hurt turned me numb? Why are hurtful thoughts embedded in my mind? Why do I feel so little towards myself? I feel so lost. I feel so helpless. 

I cannot invalidate my feelings no matter how crazy they may be. I'm missing something and I can't really pinpoint what it is. Whatever it is, it's making me think of crazy things and I'm scared it'll overcome me and take charge in action. Resulting in something I know I'll regret. My insides are killing me. Maybe it's a shift in routine? I've grown so accustomed to a specific schedule, feeling a certain way from it, and now that it's slowly fading out, I feel like my conscience is going away with it. The slightest change is throwing me off. What's the reason behind not doing it anymore? How can I fix this? How can I step back and watch this happen without helping?

Every night was the same. Sometimes I'd hear from you sooner when you missed me just a little more, sometimes I'd hear from you a little later in the night, but I still heard from you. Possibly the shift in schedules has created this distance. Or you wanting to be alone more. The space will be given, I'll get accustomed to a new schedule and routine eventually. Maybe it's for the better but I know this is my weak spot. I've struggled in the past with less communication leading to less feelings but I don't want to feel this way towards you. I'm trying my best to not let my old mindset make me do something I will regret. I'm really trying and I hope you understand whenever I fall short with you.  Because this feeling scared me before and it still scares me now. You can say all you want and I know you're not one to be "cutesy" and I'm not asking for that. In some way, shape, or form, I just need to feel that you still love me and it's been slightly hard lately. Yeah, you're right, maybe we're both too stressed. Yeah, I know you still love me and I cannot let those words out of my head. I know you care. But I'm sorry, I guess it's just me. I guess it's just me being too needy and expecting too much. Things won't always be as dandy as they were before. I have to be ready for change. Maybe I'm the one who has to change. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer

Romans 12:12

I find this short voice so meaningful. Romans 12:12 was actually the verse of the day on the Bible app and I wanted to expand on it a little. I think the hardest thing for me in this verse is "patient in affliction". The dictionary refers to affliction as: Something that causes pain or suffering. 

I struggle with being patient in affliction because one of the biggest contributors to my pain at the moment is myself. I'm at a constant battle between wanting to look, feel, and live better but I'm held back with excuses. Excuses such as, "I'm so tired" "I can do it tomorrow" "Skipping a day won't hurt..." but skipping a day obviously adds up and no progress is being made. If you really want something you have to work hard on it and not expect results overnight. I need patience. I need courage. I need prayer. I need strength! 

There's so much going on in the world right now and it wasn't until recently where I really sat down to digest everything. I've honestly grown up in such a safe bubble that I wasn't concerned about what was happening around me. There is so much travesty and fear everywhere and there are real life struggles that people face just to get through the day. I'm very fortunate to have had the life I live and my problems are so small compared to what others go through. I pray to be understanding and for opportunities to come my way to make a difference no matter how small it is. I'm doing more and more research and reading more to gain more insight of different cases, different upbringings, lifestyles, struggles, and more. We were always told in church to go out to be a blessing to others and I feel like people are so scared to reach out to people because of rejection. But sometimes people are just looking for someone who cares and who is willing to help with what they have. In my social justice class I learned about how the media has created the "culture of fear" and the "mean-world syndrome" where the media has painted and instilled a certain imagine of a persons race to have a negative connotation. This creates fear towards people based on their appearances and what the media tells you they are. But we have to remember these are the people who need love the most. People who need prayer and help and we shouldn't be fearful of them. 

My parents have always been very overprotective over me. I guess it's because I'm an only child. They always want me to be with someone if I'm walking alone or if I'm going to get food in a neighborhood they feel is dangerous. I understand their fear and it's nice to know they care about my safety, but I also know there are different organizations I can look into and participate to help make a small change in someones life. I'm sorry, I'm going off on a tangent. I'm really tired and I'm losing my train of thought LOL! I'm just going to end it here. I'm sorry for a lame post haha D:

Power in the Cross

I pray that you will begin to understand

the incredible greatness of His power

for us who believe in Him. This is the

same mighty power that raised Christ

from the dead and seating him in the 

place of honor at God's right hand in 

the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 1:19-20

Many of us are relying on our own willpower and strengths instead of God's power. We are constantly telling ourselves we'll change how we live life after a loss of a loved one or something tragic. We stick to the change for a couple of days then slowly revert back to our old lifestyles. My devotional for today advices:

To be successful at this, we must move from willpower to real power. This is where we depend on God to help us define and achieve what matters most. 

We already have the Holy Spirit in our lives, which means we have access to God's power. This power is the power to help us live meaningful lives, the power to heal broken relationships no matter what they are, help you work out problems with your family and friends, and lend you a hand and strength when you need it the most. This kind of power is accessible to those who believe in Him. 

I love this quote in Ephesians because through Him, I can gain the power to start fresh with my faith and I can pursue what matters most. Finding why I am placed in this world and making a purpose of my existence here. 

Some things I value the most would most definitely be my relationships. From the relationship I have with my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and even strangers. I used to catch myself being such a people pleaser. Always wanting to make sure everything was going fine and that no one hated me. If I found out someone had a negative view towards me, I used to try so hard to change their minds. But honestly, lately I haven't been worrying too much about how others see me. Now I just want to continue growing through my relationship with Christ and trust and allow Him to mold me and my path to where I need to be and WHO I need to be. Honestly, lately I haven't been feeling myself at all. I've had little patience with people, I'm always in a grumpy mood, I'm always trying to dismiss myself from gatherings I'm invited to... etc. That's completely opposite of who I used to be. I'm trying to really put myself back out there and be a positive light as much as I can to those around me. We had to present Where I'm From poems in my Language & Literacy class yesterday and some of the poems presented brought the whole class to tears. It's crazy to hear about other peoples upbringings and see how it's so different from your own. You become more aware of different trials and honestly your perception of the person changes. But do we need to know everyone's background to respect them? Absolutely not. Everyone deserves respect. 

A big chunk of my days lately is spending time with my dogs, especially since we just got Spot on Sunday (11 mo old maltese/terrier mix). I've been spending a lot of outdoor time with both Spot and Muppy and trying to help them get along with one another. Honestly, I never really participated with Lent before but this year I decided to try it out. I gave up soda (I don't normally drink soda anyways but I really need to lose weight. I should cut other things off my diet too actually...) but I also decided to cut out at LEAST 10-30 minutes of my day to commit to the Lord and to read my Bible and maybe even write down some thoughts either onto this blog or into my journal that I haven't opened in so long. I can most definitely make some time in my day to meditate on the Word and to talk to God. It's possible. I know God can give me the strength and knowledge throughout this fast and even life after it. I pray and hope to be more kind and understand with others. That's something I really need to work on as well as forgiving myself. I have the hardest time doing that. I'm always nailing myself down for mistakes I've made and the guilt eats me up. But I really need to be forgiving to myself. I'm only human. 

Return & Rebuild

It's been a long while since my last entry and honestly... it feels much longer than it actually has been.  So grab a drink, this will be a long one.

But I'm back with some things weighing my heart down. I'm ready to pick up this habit of writing things down again. I was looking for my 500 Days of Summer DVD after John and I watched 50/50 this past weekend. Unfortunately, I was unlucky finding the DVD but I did stumble across my old journals that I started writing in high school. My first journal had like 3 different entries in one day. I'd write and write and wrote down every single detail about my day, how I felt, what I saw, what I smelled, what I wanted... but I stopped. I turned to writing as I was going through depression and slowly turned to writing only whenever I felt upset.

Looking back at my old posts from this blog made me realize something: I'm losing my relationship with God. I stepped down from the youth group in January to focus on my studies and honestly to work on my faith and relationship with God again. I love being able to go to Bible studies now without worrying about what topic to prepare, being home at a certain time before the study started to set everything up for everyone, and I just love being a listener again. This gave me the opportunity to get to know God all over again without stressing about other small things to prepare for that night. I missed this feeling.

I feel myself falling in love with God again and it feels amazing. I'm not going to deny how happy I've been for the past year despite me slowly falling out of my faith but this feeling is different; a good kind of different. It's almost uplifting and rejuvenating to feel this way again. It's a feeling I no longer want to lose. This feeling is almost a form of anticipation and excitement to see what else I can learn and what else I can improve on about myself.

To be completely honest, the more I grow with God again the more I realize things I've been blinded by this past year. I'm not going to deny that I've fallen into sin so many times last year--I'm human. But now I feel like the fog in my vision is beginning to clear up and I'm seeing all these things in another perspective. I look at some relationships I have in my life and see what's real and what God wants me to continue and I see what God wants me to cut off. My faith is a really big part of me and I am not afraid to admit it. And although I am imperfect and still fell very short countless of times, I always find myself catching my actions and holding myself accountable for them. It wasn't easy to stray from some sins that I grew some sort of addiction to and quite honestly, I still fight myself away from those sins today. But I always turned back to God to ask for strength. So like I said, my faith plays a very big role in my life and I want to grow everyday. I want to build strong relationships with other people who fear and love the Lord and I want to be able to uplift each other. Especially the relationships I have that I pray will last for years.

Surrounding myself with people within the same faith as I can help with my journey because I have some sort of accountability. Someone who will provide me with Godly advice and who will redirect me to God when I fall short. I really missed this feeling. The fire that dimmed in my heart is slowly beginning to grow again. I want to meet more people who can help me grow but I know I can't be dependent with only them. But I'm so excited. I'm so excited to see what's in store and I'm so excited for where and what God has in store for me and I want to share this feeling with those around me.

As joyful I am with where my faith is going and growing, I have to admit that I am upset about something. This past week alone I've received countless reminders of my appearance. How I've gained so much weight, what I need to do to get rid of it, how to look better... It's draining to hear. I already know my body and I can see everything everyone points out to me but I see it more clearly. In detail, close up, and I can feel it. I don't want to point all the blame towards my medication for bloating me up this way because at the end of the day my lifestyle choices is what needs to be held accountable. I don't eat healthy anymore, I don't watch my portions, I don't do anything about it. I'm constantly pointing out my flaws to myself every damn day in the mirror and quite frankly I really don't need anyone else shoving things down my throat based on my appearance.

Why do I wear more make up now? Because as of today, I can actually control something about myself physically and it honestly makes me feel so much better about myself. I need this sort of boost to motivate myself. And I grew to love make up even more. Lately make up has been the best therapeutic thing for me. I can sit down for hours just doing a really simple look but the process alone makes me feel so good. Why do I wear such loose clothing? Because I don't see anything else that flatters me anymore and makes me feel good. I literally just toss and turn in bed almost every night in tears because of how much I hate how I look. But I truly am trying. I'm trying my best to make healthier choices, eating less, and working out more. I really freaking trying but it isn't easy for me. I'm so self conscious about myself and I'm really hoping to improve on my wellbeing through my journey of building a stronger relationship with Christ.

I'm trying. I'm trying to be positive again. I'm trying to be patient, understanding, helpful, and kind again. I'm trying to find myself and being aware and mindful of the journey I'm on and how to grow. Please keep me in your prayers.

Charlene