Well shit. It's been roughly 4 months since my last post and there's so much to catch my ~5 viewers on. I passed my Occupational Therapy board exams on March 24th, got a couple job offers and ironically chose the furthest one I applied to and am now dreading the drive through traffic. In terms of my career, I know I can be tough on myself but now I feel like I can slow it down a little and give myself grace when I feel overwhelmed and need a break. If I don't know the answer to something, that's okay. Literally Google it or ask one of your coworkers. It's fine to not know everything right away. Money? Will always be an issue for me. I grew up with not much and was constantly comparing my life with the people I've grown up with in Walnut. I'm making an honest living yet am always upset that I'm not making more. Wake up Char. You'll always want what you don't have. But honestly I'm happy and proud of myself for pushing through and finishing school and doing something I genuinely enjoy. OT is fun. But my debt? Not fun. The future? Scary. Being able to afford the future I want? Seems pretty unattainable to be quite honest. But the biggest shock of them all? I fell in love with BTS. LOL.
Apart from the greatness that is finally being a big working girl, I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts the past couple of months. Maybe it's another slap of reality reminding me we aren't immortal. Seeing the people I love suffer, get older, and struggle and wanting to be better for and with them yet wanting to run away to not have to deal with anything is the constant battle in my head. I've thought about my death a lot lately. No intensions of harming myself, but just having this feeling that my time is coming to an end sooner than I think. There's a lot of factors that go into it but I don't know, I feel like I'm no longer scared to die. Like I've lived my life the way I've lived through it the past 26 years and can find comfort with what I've done in this lifetime. I know there's still so much I have left to do and want to do, and I genuinely hope I can experience that freedom sometime in the future but to be honest, it feels almost selfish for wanting to put myself first. Knowing how much my parents have sacrificed for me, how much John loves me, etc. I just feel such a big weight on me and feel like I'm drowning because I'm fighting through it alone and don't want anyone worrying about me. I'm getting tired.
I know this is something I need to stop but I seek comfort through the people in my life. Even if it just means talking to someone to remind me that hey there's life outside of the negatives your mind is making you believe. Not even to distract me or anything, and I don't need them to tell me life is great. I just find comfort in talking to people. I've been trying to make an effort to reach out to old friends that I've grown apart from even if it means spending money to grab a bite to eat (D:, I'm poor). But honestly I genuinely want to make meaningful connections with people again. I think that's something I miss having in high school, albeit it's so much easier to maintain friendships because you see the same people every day. Maybe I also just felt a lot more confident about myself back then, but I miss having friends in different cities that I could just hit up. Also COVID still being in full swing and my paranoia over it doesn't help. Also maybe it's just my upbringing of being an only child but I'm always yearning for company. It can be considered my toxic trait because I feel like I'm annoying people for wanting to talk and ask them about their day. Is it weird that I constantly want my alone time yet yearn for someone to talk to at the same time?
I want to get back into journaling, maybe not through this blog but in a book where I can be even more candid and unapologetic. Maybe that's what kept me sane throughout high school. I have journals filled with my thoughts and maybe that's why I didn't constantly seek attention from others because I word vomitted in 5 different journals in 3 years. There's a lot of me I know I need to work on and I hope journaling and shadow working will allow me the opportunity to rediscover myself and heal from the inside out. I want to find someone who has that same want for themselves to be a form of accountability or just aa friend to go through this with, but the reality is it may not be their time to do so. That it's mine and I need to be willing to go through this alone if I have to.
Back to my newfound love for BTS, honestly they are one of the biggest things bringing me joy the past 3-4 months since giving them a chance. Despite their hiatus announcement, they have so many things out that I can binge on until the time comes they get back together. J-Hope came out with a new solo album and his song "Safe Zone" has been resonating with me. The world and our minds are constantly in motion, sometimes bringing us down, leading to self destruction but we need to ask ourselves, "where's my safe zone?" As he's referenced, in video games there are safe zones you can go to to rest without enemies attacking you. So we should reflect on what our safe zones are. Where can we go to turn off the noise around and within us to breathe? How can we find a way to heal, like genuinely heal, and not just avoiding something? I hope to be able to work hard enough to discover a safe zone for myself.
I don't know when the next time I'll write in here will be, but I hope when I come back I've at least put in some effort in bettering myself and my life. I hope I'm at least a little happier when I come back.
Much love,
Char
p.s it bothers me so much that my last post was uploaded the way it did on March 1st, I'd edit it but I don't want to lose the original date. It's all ugly and randomly highlighted haha oh well.
