The ghost of the past haunts her thoughts late at night. Its memories linger through the sounds of nothingness and emptiness. The clock ticks, yes, but every tick creates a deeper hole that overthinking fills. There's no comparison but a will to know more about empty lines and torn up pages of their stories. I wouldn't say it's curiosity, but it's the eagerness to know everything to help ease your thoughts. You want to understand their pain and you want to make everything better. But can you? Will the eagerness to know lead to more tears at night and a headache? Will the eagerness lead to complicating the situation? Will the eagerness to know worth risking losing someone you love? Is it worth bringing up? But what if you continue to fall into an abyss of wanting answers? I want to understand her.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

It's been a long struggle for me to learn to love myself. Like many, I've grown up being so insecure about my body and my appearance. It draws back to 8th grade when I was bullied and made fun of for how I looked and her words never left me.

Deformed alien looking Asian kid.

Her words penetrated my mind and stuck to me since that afternoon during my math class. Since then I've been so uptight about how I look when I go out. I walked around feeling like every person at school thought I looked like a, "Deformed alien looking Asian kid".  I felt I needed to change. I picked up make up and began to play around with different looks. I hate to admit that I eventually turned to social media for validity. I needed to know someone thought I was pretty. It's as if I needed another person thinking I was pretty in order to me to tell myself I was pretty. Towards the end of high school I grew some confidence and quit certain social media for a while because I felt I didn't need the attention anymore. I was fine with my body at the time but was still insecure about how I felt about myself without make up. I feel like learning to love myself without make up will be the hardest thing to love about myself. There were times I considered even changing my appearance overall but there was also more people posting about confidence and loving yourself that I had to take a step back and ask myself, "Why can't I love myself?"

Being made fun of for some of my insecurities only made things harder. I began to hate myself all over again and started comparing myself to the Instagram models because I thought their bodies were more "real" than celebrities. Despite my fight with my insecurities, I didn't really do much but sulk in my pity that this is what I'm born with.

Now I'm on my 4th year of college and I'm still struggling to love myself but I'm making improvement. I've developed hormonal + adult acne, deeper eye circles that cast a dark shadow under my eyes, lost a lot of hair, but also gained a lot of weight. I'm currently struggling to accept my stretch marks and my weight. It's tough. I used to be told I was too skinny but now with the weight I'm in, I'm told I'm too fat. It's hard finding a balance and making time to work out and eat healthy but I guess that just means I don't want it hard enough if I'm not willing to save time in my day to do so. But it's tough! When I finally do have time to do stuff, I choose to relax in bed. It's always searching for internships, keeping up my grades, doing papers, making time to go to observation hours, etc. It's a balance I need to find.

But I also have John now. I used to be shy not even putting eyeshadow around him but now for the first time ever, I can feel comfortable around someone other than my parents. I can feel comfortable to cake my face up and wipe it all off by the end of the day and he's still telling me he loves me. Although it isn't 100% self love, I'm learning to love myself more now. Unlike before, I no longer worry about impressing people I don't know by putting on a full face of make up. Now I can put on make up for myself because I simply love make up. I enjoy applying it and playing around with different shades, colors, glitter... etc. It's fun and I do it for myself. It also gives me a boost of confidence and something as small as make up is helping me feel better about myself. I'm so glad I can be comfortable around John with little to no make up and not worry about scaring him off haha. John has been an overall positive influence in my life. Sometimes life gets tough and sometimes we have our differences, but at the end of the day we always want to work things out because we don't see each other being with anyone else anymore. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that I found someone who honestly knows my past, my insecurities, my flaws, my temper, my mess, etc. and still chooses to stay. We had a rough start because of my insecurities setting me back but I truly feel that God helped us through the tough beginning to strengthen us to where we are today. Life has been slightly different with John around but I'm not complaining. I'm so lucky to find a new purpose to love and I'm so lucky to be loved in return. It's not that I turn to John for validity on my appearance, but it's more of realizing that I can still be loved no matter how I looked or dressed.

So what's love got to do with is? Love makes the tough times ease up. Love makes you happier. Love gives you strength to get stuff down. And love gives you new opportunities to find different ways to love yourself.

John

I have thrown out my fears of being vulnerable,
And have opened my heart to what became
One of the best things that has happened to me.

Can you not see me?
I am going crazy here!
Truthfully in love.

One person
Counting down to two weeks.
Notecards ready--three finals to go.
Unmotivated but still thriving.

It's only a facade hun.

The way he smiles to the way he sings
Was all fun and games as you were falling.
Your emotions painted an image you selfishly wanted.

But when it all died out,
His smile to his voice was nothing special.
You wanted to like it because you wanted something real.

You thought this one was different,
So you continued to admire what you wanted
And what you wanted to see.

He was nice, that's fact.
But he didn't really like you.
Oh, honey he didn't.

It's only a facade.

caring too much about someone can be a dangerous thing

caring too much about someone means you want to make sure they're always safe and that they go to bed with a calm mind

but when is caring for someone too much? when do we draw the line?

eventually you learn to tell yourself that you'll love them enough to give them their space and to step out of the picture.

you have to go through as many scenarios as you can and be prepared of any one of those to happen

you will learn to no longer worry about them for they bring nothing else but a heavy heart and an angry mind

now we're at the point where we part ways and you can no longer do anything about it but let them learn the hard way

you did your part but it made no difference to theirs

and that's that

Faded

I will never know what went on in your head

Days after the last time we talked

Or days after I left

But what I do know was you were 

Just as affected as I

But you chose to erase me from your life

There's nothing I can do 

To piece back something 

That once existed 

I can thank you for helping me

You helped me grow a stronger believer

and more devoted child of God

I can thank you for helping me

Learn more about yourself...

Your past, your dreams, and your family

But as time played its role, 

What we once were--

Whatever it may be

Is nothing but a faded memory

For we no longer are in each others lives

But I have accepted there's nothing I can do. 

I'm okay with it though

Maybe it's best we return to being strangers 

You no longer linger in my head like you once did

As you faded

Something beautiful became visible 

And helped me see the world in a different light. 

Help!

Anyone good with MacBooks and creating space on your laptop with a quicker method than deleting pictures one at a time?! I bought an external hard drive to transfer some files but for some reason it isn't working. I'm not tech savvy so things like this give me a really hard time. I really want to edit my pictures and videos that I took when I was at the East Coast but there's just no storage on my laptop! I tried message the AppleCare person I spoke to that helped me with my past problem of randomly lost images but it's been over a week and I still haven't heard back. :(

Other than that, I'm back at school again. This is my last semester at Mt. SAC and as much as I would like to end strong, I've been feeling so unmotivated and tired. The drive I had within me has died down and the only way I can keep myself going is by telling myself that as long as I push myself now, I can get my summer to myself. I can actually breathe and relax without having to worry about summer school! But I honestly might still have to worry about my transfer process but it shouldn't be as bad as stressing over classes on campus... right?

Not much has happened with my life and it's been like that for such a long time. It's kind of sad that my lack of motivation AND money has led to such a boring lifestyle. I really need to start switching things up, pick up old passions, take education seriously again, and just get things sorted and straightened out! There's seriously no time to waste but here I am wasting my hours. I feel like all I want to do is hang out with John HAHA! I love being around him but it's kind of sad that the only time I feel productive is when he's around. That needs to change. NOW! I'm currently killing time in Augie's Cafe in Claremont because I go to my mentorship. But I think I'm going to do this more often before my mentorship. Hit up local cafe's and just do homework, study, and just take time for myself. I feel like if I stay at home, I'm never going to get anything done. Sorry, this post is really just a self-talk to get out of bed early and to just start my day strong and early. I think that's what's changed... because I haven't been able to go out to study like I used to. I got things done before but now I lounge around at home and I can't keep doing that.

My acne scars are slowly but surely starting to heal. I just need to learn how to discipline myself to stop picking them because now I scar up! It was a bad habit I grew up with because scarring was never something I worried about despite my constant picking. But I guess as I grew older, started birth control pills, and had my immune system slowing down along with bad eating habits, this is what I get. I'm back on my whole coconut oil and tea tree oil obsession as well as some of the Honeybelle products I've been using and I guess that's what's been helping. I  need more sleep  though and I need to stay hydrated because my dark circles are DARRRRRK! My scars are no longer too much of a depressing insecurity but it's my damn dark circles. I can't tell if they're hereditary or not because my dad has pretty bad dark circles and puffy under eyes but my mom doesn't. But then again I realized I have a lot of my dad's genetics so I can't really be surprised if dark circles are one of them. I'm also trying to work out more so hopefully things about my appearance and overall health start getting better again. I NEED TO WATCH WHAT I EAT. All I stare at is my stomach and start to miss having a flat stomach again and small thighs... SIGH. Gotta get up and make a change that I want to see right?

Welcoming February

I've been stressed but happy at the same time knowing I have someone I can talk to by the end of the night to help me feel better.

Currently studying for tomorrow's stats exam with a face mask on my face and my room heater on. Today was so windy! I was scared to just open my car door outdoors because I was scared it would fly out when the wind gusted through. I need to go back on a smaller portion/healthier choices diet because I've been growing more insecure about my body lately. That reminds me that I also need to start saving money and be really serious about doing so... I'm so broke and I don't even have a job and can sometimes just spend money recklessly or offer to take people out for lunch and then pay for them. I don't mind paying for people when I do have the extra cash on me but sometimes I just need to learn how to say no to going out because there are things I'm trying to save for and going out a lot doesn't help it at all.

Anyways, going to fill up my water bottle and make a cup of tea on the side. Here's a playlist I've been jamming out to again. I've had a Soundcloud for a while now and liked this playlist when I first started using it but stopped using Soundcloud cause I was too indulged with making all these playlists on Spotify but I'm back ~
https://soundcloud.com/nice-beats-ever-podcast/nice-beats-ever-x-yukibeb-1

New Beginnings

I'm really hoping and praying 2016 will be a really good year for me. The year has started out on a good note. I'm currently taking Stats this winter semester and we've just finished week 4 and I still have a pretty high A. Guess I'm just proud of myself because it's a math class and if I do mess up with the next test, at least I can still hit a B over all. I have never been good at math so I deserve to pat myself on the back for this one!

Anyway, I have also stepped up as youth leader and try to lead more bible studies as I can and really try to get to know the youths individually since our group has almost doubled. As youth leader, I really want to make sure to set a good example and help encourage the youths to seek God and really accept him as their Lord & Savior. Just this year, I've encountered different struggles and really hope I please God with the advice I have lent out. This 2016 I really want to work on myself and make myself into a better person that pleases God and a person who allows Him to shine through me everyday. I do have to work on my temper, my mouth, my jealousy, my patience, my understanding... pretty much have to work on everything about myself. I know it takes prayer and time to get to where I want to be and I know that not everyone will get the whole "trying to better myself with God in my life" aspect because they only see what I allow them to see. With that being said, that's also why I need to work on how I portray myself to others, especially those who do not understand my faith and my walk with God. I get that I do sin everyday but not many understand that as we confess our sins to God, we are forgiven. To others, they may use it as a way to target someone of faith because they're supposed to know right from wrong so why are they committing this kind of sin? And so forth. It isn't an easy path but in the end we must remind ourselves that it is very much worth it.

Another reason for my "New Beginnings" title... I received my first college acceptance letter as a transfer! It may not seem like a big thing to some people, I am very proud of myself. In high school I really didn't take my education seriously. I was too busy maintaining a social life that I didn't take school nor my faith seriously. I only applied to 1 school but still decided to go to Mt. SAC because I felt like I still didn't really know what I wanted to do so I didn't want to waste time and money elsewhere. So yes, this first acceptance letter means a great deal to me because I can see where my hard work has brought me. I worked my butt off at a community college, tried my best to maintain high grades and a good standing GPA, participated in workshops, and Child Development workforces. I'm about to transfer, oh my gosh. I have met so many amazing people at Mt. SAC, especially within the Child Development field. I have made good relationships with my professors, my peers, and they have been a great reason why I look forward to my future as a Child Development major. This was not in my original plan, but I am now planning to walk and graduate from Mt. SAC. I think it'd be pretty cool to get a Child Development sash haha! Other than graduating, transferring, and all that, I have also received 2 Child Development certificates, have been placed in the Dean's List and Presidential Lists. I really am proud of myself and my accomplishments especially when I reflect to who I was and how I acted back in high school. Praise to the Lord most High. I really don't think I would have been able to stay strong through this experience if it wasn't for growing closer to God and really just putting my life in His hands. So cheers to my first acceptance as a transfer. Now the waiting game for the other 5 schools LOL!

By the summer time, I plan to work at a Child Life center or do some research in behavioral studies. Hopefully I can take my first legit break since I started college since I won't need to take summer nor winter classes for a while. Unless I still plan on taking it once I transfer. But I believe I deserve this break and to use this time for really working more towards my future and start stepping up in the workplace. In the summer I also plan on starting a Youtube channel with Raissa! I get to do DIYs, OOTD, Makeup, and challenges with my best friend! So I'm also pretty excited for that.

I also just received my first Honeybelle package this morning! I've found their IG page last November and was really looking forward to trying their greatly reviewed products! It wasn't till maybe Monday when I let my urges get the best of me and I purchased so much from their website at 12 in the morning. What I love about their products is that it's handmade and completely natural! Plus they're a local business so I really wanted to try their products out and support their company. I purchased all 3 lip balms, Lavender Chamomile Body Creme, DIY Matcha Mint Masque, their Valentine's Day gift set in "Love You a Latte" which comes with their Lust for Latte Face & Body Scrub and their Goat Milk Facial Bar (I also got their soap bar so I could reach the $50 free shipping minimum but it works great for my facial bar) and with the promo code I got a free H.Life moisturizer but it's part of their mens collection so I'll be giving that to John to try out! Along with my package I got a sample of their Eucalyptus Peppermint soap bar! I'm so excited to try everything out and really am looking forward to trying their other products. So far I love the facial bar's creamy rich texture on my face and the long lasting moisturizer the lip balms provide! I'll be using the face mask tonight. Hopefully within a week or two I can provide an honest review on the products!

I pray for God's guidance in guiding me to where I need to be as well as molding me to be the child I am called to be in His eyes.

God bless you all and I hope everyone's doing well!
Charlene