I would like to write forever about how things have been going lately--but I won't.
But there is just so much to look forward to about my future. With my walk with God, all these upcoming events, a couple concerts, my education, my relationships, etc. Not everyday is filled with sunshine but why let that hold me back from making the best of any situation? I have to remind myself that there's so much happening in my life that it can get hard to balance it but it isn't impossible. I'm surrounded by people who are so inspirational, great and encouraging. Sometimes I can't help but reminisce back to when I was influenced to do all these negative things and when I didn't know how to say, "No". I thought that I had to fit into the environment I surrounded myself in. Thought I had to do what everyone else was doing to the point where I thought my actions defined me. Like I did what I did for myself. At the time, I thought I knew who I was. But now that I'm older, I'm actually able to make my own decisions without feeling conscious about not living up to people's expectations. When I was younger, I thought I've become this person who enjoyed partying and doing all these things that hurt me. Thought I enjoyed taking some dangerous risks in life. I was wrong. I was so wrong to think that way. I was so lost. Didn't know who to look up to, who to talk to, didn't know who gave a crap about me either. No, I am not perfect. I still have my flaws but I know I am not the same person I was a couple years ago. I had to do a lot of growing up because I had to tell myself that what I was doing at the time is not acceptable. It's never something to be proud of. It isn't something worth bragging over and being boastful about. Doing so will bring me towards the wrong crowd. I'm honestly glad that phase of my life is in my past. The fearful truth is that one day these old habits are possible to return. But now I am able to control myself better than I ever did before. I have to stay strong in my faith so I don't fall back into these horrible habits. So I don't have to regret doing something the next morning either.
A friend of mine told me that I inspired her to become a better person. It honestly meant so much to me hearing that someone is inspired by me. I can't explain it! But it made me really happy to hear that from her. Maybe my life isn't so crappy after all? Maybe I'm actually doing something right? Something worth noticing? It's kind of like a confidence boost to "keep doing me". I've also met people who are inspirations to my own life. I have friends who inspire me to become a better pianist, writer, Christian, etc. They remind me that there is always room for improvement. To never tell myself that I'm already the best I can be because there's still so much more to learn. So many more things waiting to be used and discovered. What I'm trying to say is I'm so blessed to have people accept me for being who I am. That they don't expect me to do what I am not capable of but at the same time encourage me to reach new heights by also reminding me they will always be there if I fail or feel like giving up. Does that make any sense?
Anyways, yesterday was youth night. I was about to go to Cal Poly to see Chance the Rapper but I'm really glad I decided to hang out with the youth last night. It's always so fun being with everyone! It just sucks how there's distance between all of us. But the drive to each other is always worth it anyways.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
"The Climb"
There are times we go through such hardships and are blinded by our blessings that we forget about what we have because we are too focused on what we don't have. We encounter times where some lose their way from the Lord, lose their identity, and go insane. Trying too hard to balance everything in our lives that we forget to save time for God--forgetting that he deserves our time with all he's done for us.
After a talk with a couple of the youth, it gave me a short time to reflect about my past. The things I've done in high school, the people I've associated myself with, and thinking I already knew who I was by the age of 15. I have to admit that there are a good handful of things I wish I didn't do yesterday, last week, last month, last year, and five years before. What I realized is with all these regrets, I down myself. I put myself down over some stupid mistake that supposedly haunts me until today. What I didn't know was about the great feeling you get after a prayer with the Lord. When you sacrifice something, ask for guidance, ask for strength… you feel a sense of relief to know you pretty much vented your heart out. Even if I thought I knew who I was by 15, I will admit that now I know I am still a work in progress.
There's something about the topic of relationships that intrigues me. I guess it's the way I observe people talk about their love, their confusion, their anger, fear, frustration, and pain. Something about a description of their feelings interests me. You learn a little more about the individual you are speaking to. You're given an opportunity to open up as well--that is, if they're willing to listen. You get to know about one another because of the common interests you share. Talking about relationships is really interesting and you learn how others cope, how others "make a move," and what goes in their minds before setting themselves up in a new relationship. That to how one is fearful of a relationship and pretty much cut out being in one to save themselves from heartbreak. You meet people who stray from relationships until they feel like God is personally leading someone to them. We get to know about their prayers, what they look for in someone, and the great heights they are wiling to climb through to be happy with someone else. Feelings are really something. When things first spark, they're all you think about. They're who you look forward to, who you wish to be with, who you want to talk to. You gain excitement for the next time you get to see them.
I've been out of this relationship page for a long while now but I'm honestly okay with it. Because in between, I've made such great friends who I feel like will be around for a really long time. It's a different kind of friendship from being friends with someone because you simply had a class in high school with them. There's something else that creates the bond, but wow it's a strong one. Things will fall into place in it's own time, and I know to never force something. "The faster you get into something, the faster you get out of it." So, to all the friends I've made in the last couple of years, thanks so much for letting me into your lives and letting me be a part of it.
Summer break is coming to an end for students at Universities. Krystal & Erica left and are doing their own things now in their new apartments. I finally decided to join PASA thanks to Raissa and I had a really good time at the members retreat last Saturday. I met some nice people and I look forward to seeing more of them. I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone and I'm trying to be more social. I'm usually really shy when meeting someone for the first time but I have to remind myself to really just be myself when introducing who I am to others. I had a Human Bio midterm yesterday and wow did it rape me. The first half was easy but once the fill in the blanks came, I was just like "NOPE". I have one more midterm coming up this Thursday for my Environmental Science class and seriously that class is just a pain that studying for it is worse. But I know I need to keep my focus in it. I'm thinking of actually cutting out some social media's for a while just so I can focus on my studies, but at the same time, that's how I keep in touch with some people. We'll see, we'll see.
I've been listening to City & Colour repeatedly for the last couple of days. How can you not love Dallas Green? I've also just been listening to Jhené Aiko's newest release and I love it.
I'm happy that my mom is finally coming home tonight. I haven't had a home cooked meal in 2 weeks and I've lost weight because of that! Haha, or maybe I should just stop eating home cooked meals so I don't gain weight.
Charlene
After a talk with a couple of the youth, it gave me a short time to reflect about my past. The things I've done in high school, the people I've associated myself with, and thinking I already knew who I was by the age of 15. I have to admit that there are a good handful of things I wish I didn't do yesterday, last week, last month, last year, and five years before. What I realized is with all these regrets, I down myself. I put myself down over some stupid mistake that supposedly haunts me until today. What I didn't know was about the great feeling you get after a prayer with the Lord. When you sacrifice something, ask for guidance, ask for strength… you feel a sense of relief to know you pretty much vented your heart out. Even if I thought I knew who I was by 15, I will admit that now I know I am still a work in progress.
There's something about the topic of relationships that intrigues me. I guess it's the way I observe people talk about their love, their confusion, their anger, fear, frustration, and pain. Something about a description of their feelings interests me. You learn a little more about the individual you are speaking to. You're given an opportunity to open up as well--that is, if they're willing to listen. You get to know about one another because of the common interests you share. Talking about relationships is really interesting and you learn how others cope, how others "make a move," and what goes in their minds before setting themselves up in a new relationship. That to how one is fearful of a relationship and pretty much cut out being in one to save themselves from heartbreak. You meet people who stray from relationships until they feel like God is personally leading someone to them. We get to know about their prayers, what they look for in someone, and the great heights they are wiling to climb through to be happy with someone else. Feelings are really something. When things first spark, they're all you think about. They're who you look forward to, who you wish to be with, who you want to talk to. You gain excitement for the next time you get to see them.
I've been out of this relationship page for a long while now but I'm honestly okay with it. Because in between, I've made such great friends who I feel like will be around for a really long time. It's a different kind of friendship from being friends with someone because you simply had a class in high school with them. There's something else that creates the bond, but wow it's a strong one. Things will fall into place in it's own time, and I know to never force something. "The faster you get into something, the faster you get out of it." So, to all the friends I've made in the last couple of years, thanks so much for letting me into your lives and letting me be a part of it.
Summer break is coming to an end for students at Universities. Krystal & Erica left and are doing their own things now in their new apartments. I finally decided to join PASA thanks to Raissa and I had a really good time at the members retreat last Saturday. I met some nice people and I look forward to seeing more of them. I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone and I'm trying to be more social. I'm usually really shy when meeting someone for the first time but I have to remind myself to really just be myself when introducing who I am to others. I had a Human Bio midterm yesterday and wow did it rape me. The first half was easy but once the fill in the blanks came, I was just like "NOPE". I have one more midterm coming up this Thursday for my Environmental Science class and seriously that class is just a pain that studying for it is worse. But I know I need to keep my focus in it. I'm thinking of actually cutting out some social media's for a while just so I can focus on my studies, but at the same time, that's how I keep in touch with some people. We'll see, we'll see.
I've been listening to City & Colour repeatedly for the last couple of days. How can you not love Dallas Green? I've also just been listening to Jhené Aiko's newest release and I love it.
I'm happy that my mom is finally coming home tonight. I haven't had a home cooked meal in 2 weeks and I've lost weight because of that! Haha, or maybe I should just stop eating home cooked meals so I don't gain weight.
Charlene
Sunday, September 14, 2014
The sad thing is…
We can have all these friends, that may or may not care about us, but we can still feel alone.
You can have all these "best friends" and "close friends" but still feel like none of them would drive to you when you feel like jumping off a building.
We feel like no one cares when there's a good handful who truly do.
There are so many things to be grateful for, yet we are so blinded by them because we can't actually feel satisfied by it.
You want to run away but have no where to run off to.
I'd rather burn in this heat then stay in this air conditioned house.
I don't even know who to talk to right now.
You can take all these things to numb the pain but the pain will still be there.
I have a ton of homework I still have to do.
We can have all these friends, that may or may not care about us, but we can still feel alone.
You can have all these "best friends" and "close friends" but still feel like none of them would drive to you when you feel like jumping off a building.
We feel like no one cares when there's a good handful who truly do.
There are so many things to be grateful for, yet we are so blinded by them because we can't actually feel satisfied by it.
You want to run away but have no where to run off to.
I'd rather burn in this heat then stay in this air conditioned house.
I don't even know who to talk to right now.
You can take all these things to numb the pain but the pain will still be there.
I have a ton of homework I still have to do.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Stretch, Smile, & Breathe
So yes, things are pretty hectic lately. Mom's away from home (she's literally the one who keeps this house running), stress from school, family member is sick, constantly tired, youth planning, practices, etc. but I'm always trying to look on the more brighter side.
There's something that's been keeping me really happy these last couple of days but I know I can't grow too dependent on it because everything is temporary… but dang it just let me enjoy it for now. Also, I've been doing pilates and it honestly makes me feel a lot better about the situations going in my life. It takes my mind away from it all and gives me the time to focus on myself. I like that we can't have our phones around us as it is a distraction--blah, blah, blah.
If you're reading this with a lot of stress built up in you, I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, you should really try to get into yoga/pilates. Some guys don't want to get into it because it's "too girly" but I have guys in my class and I see them working up a sweat. You learn how to breathe, you work on posture, flexibility, strength, how to connect your mind and your body, etc.
Can't write too much today because I have a ton of homework I need to work on.
Stretch, smile, and breathe. Good luck!
Charlene
There's something that's been keeping me really happy these last couple of days but I know I can't grow too dependent on it because everything is temporary… but dang it just let me enjoy it for now. Also, I've been doing pilates and it honestly makes me feel a lot better about the situations going in my life. It takes my mind away from it all and gives me the time to focus on myself. I like that we can't have our phones around us as it is a distraction--blah, blah, blah.
If you're reading this with a lot of stress built up in you, I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, you should really try to get into yoga/pilates. Some guys don't want to get into it because it's "too girly" but I have guys in my class and I see them working up a sweat. You learn how to breathe, you work on posture, flexibility, strength, how to connect your mind and your body, etc.
Can't write too much today because I have a ton of homework I need to work on.
Stretch, smile, and breathe. Good luck!
Charlene
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Over Seas
My mom bought a ticket this morning for a last minute flight to the Philippines to visit my family member who is in the hospital. Throughout the whole day, I was forcing my tears back at the thought that I won't be near my mom for the next three weeks. Being at home without my mom will be so different. She seriously held this place together and I don't know how she does it. I'd hug her and just want to burst out in tears but I knew it wasn't the time to cry just yet. I woke up at 8:30 to accompany my parents to my mom's work. There she had talked to her boss and HR to ask how long she can get off due to a family emergency. Thankfully, they gave her 3 weeks off. My parents and I always fly together so tonight was the first night she flew alone. I was really worried because my dad is usually the one handling all our passports, papers, cargo, etc. so I hoped my mom was okay. Compared to our usual visits, she packed a lot lighter than usual (probably since everything was so last minute and we didn't have time to buy gifts for everyone else there).
From my last post, they did decide to undergo surgery and as soon as it was over, things seemed great. Everyone was excited that she could be going home soon--but that wasn't the case. After a couple hours, her gallbladder clogged up and after speaking to the doctor, he said things are critical. That was pretty much the push my mom got to spark up her last minute need to go to the Philippines the next day. It sucks to think about it because my family and I planned to come home in December to visit everyone for a good two weeks, but now that our budget is so tight and that my mom already left tonight, those plans are canceled. We had so many plans that I looked forward to. From Christmas caroling, island hopping, and handing out care packages to the less fortunate--I'm really sad that I won't be able to see this happening soon.
I downloaded the Viber app to talk to my mom other than through Skype and I'm excited to try it out once she get's there. It took us the longest time to say goodbye to each other even when it was through text while she was boarding the plane. Then as we were driving back home, my mom calls us and that's when we all pretty much started crying hard. As soon as I got home I went straight to the restroom to cry and I was having the hardest time breathing. It's just hard imagine someone I love in the hospital and me not being able to physically be there and it's also hard knowing I won't be seeing my mom around the house for a couple of weeks. I seriously just want to cry until my mom gets back.
Charlene
From my last post, they did decide to undergo surgery and as soon as it was over, things seemed great. Everyone was excited that she could be going home soon--but that wasn't the case. After a couple hours, her gallbladder clogged up and after speaking to the doctor, he said things are critical. That was pretty much the push my mom got to spark up her last minute need to go to the Philippines the next day. It sucks to think about it because my family and I planned to come home in December to visit everyone for a good two weeks, but now that our budget is so tight and that my mom already left tonight, those plans are canceled. We had so many plans that I looked forward to. From Christmas caroling, island hopping, and handing out care packages to the less fortunate--I'm really sad that I won't be able to see this happening soon.
I downloaded the Viber app to talk to my mom other than through Skype and I'm excited to try it out once she get's there. It took us the longest time to say goodbye to each other even when it was through text while she was boarding the plane. Then as we were driving back home, my mom calls us and that's when we all pretty much started crying hard. As soon as I got home I went straight to the restroom to cry and I was having the hardest time breathing. It's just hard imagine someone I love in the hospital and me not being able to physically be there and it's also hard knowing I won't be seeing my mom around the house for a couple of weeks. I seriously just want to cry until my mom gets back.
Charlene
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Despite a family member's sickness, the already present stress of school, I'm really thankful for those who are in my life.
A lot has been on my mind lately. The family member mentioned in my last post is going into surgery today and I just pray that they have the strength to fight through this surgery. I hope that everything will be okay and that we can visit them soon. I hope that my mom is staying strong and positive. I know that she needs my dad and I the most right now so it's important for me to sacrifice some things to help her out. College is the common stress-starter but how can you not stress over school? There's just so much going on with what I need to take before I transfer, what I need, what I have to do, who I need to contact, what I need to write, where the hell I'm going, etc. My family's financial standing and how helpless I feel that I can't do anything to help them because they aren't letting me get a job… and so on.
But other than what's been bothering me, for the most part I'm staying as positive as I can. The last couple days I've been pretty happy and on some crazy high. I really do believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason and I'm just so blessed to have those in my life be in it. With me are great people in their own ways who help take my mind off of the hardships and I really need that. Being with my friends is such a great escape from the troubles. Friends that make me laugh, cry from laughing, and friends that I can just honestly be myself around. Those are the people in my life who I love so much. They're so accepting, patient, funny, understanding, etc. With them I honestly feel nothing else but pure happiness. It's upsetting to think that some people aren't experiencing this natural high. Also, it's upsetting to think that one day I might no longer feel this way. The bond with the youth from church is so great. I love being with everyone, I love simple car talks with Lauren, I love the jokes we all share with each other. I love how they make me feel welcomed. My best friends, they're just so great. We're always laughing, dancing around, and just talking. I love how I can call them up once I get home from a crazy good day to just talk about how I feel. I love that they can laugh along with me and that we agree with most things. I love that they're so close by, I love that they're a phone call away, & a doorbell away. I can tell them anything. I'm am honestly so blessed and fine with who is in my life today. As of this very moment, they're all I need. I don't need to bring back old friends who I had a rough ending with. There's no need to revive my trust with those who took advantage of it, and so on. I just really wanted to write tonight even with a lot of hw on my plate right now and the fact that I still need to study for a test I have tomorrow (technically today). Tonight I hung out with the youth at Boiling Crab & MJ Cafe & Teahouse. I was just so happy. You know how you have those people you hang with and you're loud as heck but you really just don't care what others think cause you're happy and you're having fun? That's how I always feel with the youth. My friends are all amazing & unique.
Charlene
A lot has been on my mind lately. The family member mentioned in my last post is going into surgery today and I just pray that they have the strength to fight through this surgery. I hope that everything will be okay and that we can visit them soon. I hope that my mom is staying strong and positive. I know that she needs my dad and I the most right now so it's important for me to sacrifice some things to help her out. College is the common stress-starter but how can you not stress over school? There's just so much going on with what I need to take before I transfer, what I need, what I have to do, who I need to contact, what I need to write, where the hell I'm going, etc. My family's financial standing and how helpless I feel that I can't do anything to help them because they aren't letting me get a job… and so on.
But other than what's been bothering me, for the most part I'm staying as positive as I can. The last couple days I've been pretty happy and on some crazy high. I really do believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason and I'm just so blessed to have those in my life be in it. With me are great people in their own ways who help take my mind off of the hardships and I really need that. Being with my friends is such a great escape from the troubles. Friends that make me laugh, cry from laughing, and friends that I can just honestly be myself around. Those are the people in my life who I love so much. They're so accepting, patient, funny, understanding, etc. With them I honestly feel nothing else but pure happiness. It's upsetting to think that some people aren't experiencing this natural high. Also, it's upsetting to think that one day I might no longer feel this way. The bond with the youth from church is so great. I love being with everyone, I love simple car talks with Lauren, I love the jokes we all share with each other. I love how they make me feel welcomed. My best friends, they're just so great. We're always laughing, dancing around, and just talking. I love how I can call them up once I get home from a crazy good day to just talk about how I feel. I love that they can laugh along with me and that we agree with most things. I love that they're so close by, I love that they're a phone call away, & a doorbell away. I can tell them anything. I'm am honestly so blessed and fine with who is in my life today. As of this very moment, they're all I need. I don't need to bring back old friends who I had a rough ending with. There's no need to revive my trust with those who took advantage of it, and so on. I just really wanted to write tonight even with a lot of hw on my plate right now and the fact that I still need to study for a test I have tomorrow (technically today). Tonight I hung out with the youth at Boiling Crab & MJ Cafe & Teahouse. I was just so happy. You know how you have those people you hang with and you're loud as heck but you really just don't care what others think cause you're happy and you're having fun? That's how I always feel with the youth. My friends are all amazing & unique.
Charlene
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