I wish I could stop caring as hard as I do for people. I feel like I do too much and it starts to overwhelm others. I wish I could just take a step back before doing something. You know what, I actually loved this part about myself and I think that’s what made me feel like Occupational Therapy was a good fit for me. I love hard. I care for others and their well being. I want what’s best for those around me. But then when I think about its impact in my own personal life, it’s just overwhelming and I feel like it pushes people away. It actually makes me sad that I’m like this. I’m sad because I feel like I give so much of myself away and it’s not that I expect it in return but there’s just so many times where I feel depleted and burnt out. But then when I feel burnt out it gets mistaken for me being grumpy. It’s not that I’m angry at the individual, I’m angry with myself so I try to distance myself. Despite feeling this way, I still keep giving because I truly care about those I care for and want to make sure they’re doing well too. I always feel like others either feel bad or feel forced to check up on me and I hate that. It’s so hard for me to put myself first that I start to lose a sense of who I am and it makes it hard for me to love myself. I tried to ask people if they had videos of me they could share because I found this idea on TikTok that people make montages of themselves as a form of self love. I’ve never had something like that done for me until recently for my birthday from my best friends. I rarely hear words of encouragement, so I wanted to make a video for myself. I couldn’t get any good videos though so that’s out the window too. I think that’s why I get so emotional when I hear feedback from people I work with for fieldwork when they say how much they loved working with me because for once I feel seen and validated. I don’t hear that as much. I have a hard time being positive for myself. I look at this trait I have and genuinely get mad at myself for it. Is it bad that I care for people’s safety? Why am I so bothered of what people want to do? Why can’t I just “do me” and focus on myself? Why don’t I know how to do that? Why do I keep looking for validity? Why do I keep trying to make people like me? Why do I feel so defeated at the thought that someone doesn’t like me? It’s not like I feel 100% with everyone either? Is that selfish of me? The fact that I am writing this gives me so much anxiety and my heart rate is so fast. I seriously hate myself for being how I am but I also at the same time wish I could be there for myself the way I am for others.