Hand Me Down

My mom was cleaning out her closet last night and gave me a couple of her silk button ups with an early 90s vibe to it (which I am currently wearing one of them). It's kind of weird thinking about some hand me downs. We learn to give away things we once loved or once found interest in because our opinions change, our tastes are different, or it just doesn't fascinate us how it once used to.

Not to sound like a "Debbie-Downer" but it's crazy to think this is how relationships are. One of my biggest fears about a relationship is having the other person, or even myself, wake up one morning and no longer love the other person. In relationships, there's so much talk about "forever" but as they get older, one of the lessons they have learned is that people change, feelings change, and "forever" is then thrown away. If we want to talk about "forever" then we can talk about God's forever and His promise to us, His children. Worldly relationships make me feel uneasy because of how temporary many of them are. God's love is forever and eternal. When I was younger I couldn't fully grasp God's love for some reason. Maybe it was hard for me to believe because of my little faith at the time mixed with the constant threats the world and the devil threw at me. In my early high school years, I was so blinded from God's love that I began to think maybe He wasn't listening or that He wasn't around.

As my faith strengthened, my understanding of who He is began to clear up. I'm not saying that my life is perfect now, but it's learning to trust that God has a plan for me--for all of us. I have always struggled with trusting others because of the many times I have been let down. God never lets us down. He knows the past, the present, and the future. His love for us will protect us and His plan is only to help us prosper. I understand that being a believer is not easy. For others, they tend to face more struggles on the daily that eventually don't seem manageable. Through this, they fear that growing closer to God will only add on to their problems because, "God doesn't give us whatever we can't handle". But we also have to always remember, "[We] can do all things through Him who gives [us] strength" (Philippians 4:13). So I say, we shouldn't fear growing closer to God and learning more about Him. Yes, He allows the devil to tempt us, take things away from us, etc. but He also told him he can do anything as long as he doesn't kill us or touch us (or in context, Job). It may be fearful to think that more trails and hardships may come our way, but I trust that growing closer to God will also mean God will save us from what is bringing us down. I'd rather go through hardships with God by my side than worldly things or even going through it alone. Wouldn't you?

We are given free choice whether or not to choose to follow God or continue to follow the world. I choose to be who I was brought in this world to be--a child of God. I am very thankful for the hardships and for the dark moments in my life because without them, I wouldn't be able to see God's love at all. To see His light, His promise, His work. "The light shines in the darkness, and darkness has not overcome it" (John 1:5). God overpowers all evil, isn't that amazing?! John 11:10 states, "But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles because the light is not in him." This shows what will happen to us if God is not in our lives. Without God in our lives, there is an emptiness in our body that leaves us weak but with Him in our life, he lifts up our spirits and helps us. Our relationship with God shouldn't just be about waiting for an answered prayer, but more about working with God and be willing to seek him through the good times and the bad times.

God bless!

Maybe I'm Not Ready

To soften a heart takes trust. To soften a heart means, "I'll trust you won't damage the softest spots," and, "I think I'm ready to invite you in." To soften a heart, one must commit to one particular subject in their prayers. A softened heart may sound vulnerable but a hardened heart is tough to work with. Trust me I know. I've had my fair share of having to turn down guys because I was too fearful of commitment. That or I never met someone (in a sense) worthy enough of my time? I've been with guys who have been complete opposites of who I was and that only lead to arguments and heartbreaks. My heart hasn't soften in a while because I was too scared of getting hurt again. I was too scared to be vulnerable and turn into this girl I told myself and others I wasn't. My friend would tell me to pray that God will soften my heart, I prayed about it, and here I am fearing to accept that God has answered this prayer.

My heart and mind are constantly at war with one another. My mind shoots reality and the many consequences that may happen because I'm slowly cutting myself a little slack. My heart understands but cannot help but fight back. This battle gives me headaches and anxiety.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by

prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, 

let your requests be make known to God;

And the peace of God, which surpasses 

all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds

through Jesus Christ. 

Philippians 4:6-7

I'll be honest when I say I have done this before. I've poured out every bit of trust I had in me to Him. Trusting that He would guide me to where I selfishly wanted to be. To my own surprise, my prayers were answered and I received what I wanted at the time. Despite receiving an answered prayer, God decided to throw in some trails through this prayer. I got what I wanted for my own satisfaction but through the extra lessons God threw in my life, it taught me to trust in Him even more. I prayed every night that he would strengthen not only I, but the other people involved in the situation. Prayed for a softened and understanding heart, for patience, for trust, for happiness, and so on. I saw a new light in relationships and a "potential boyfriend" through this experience. Although I felt myself being so prepared and ready for a relationship, God used this opportunity to teach me or maybe show me what I should be looking for in someone I will be in a relationship with. I used to surround myself with guys who were of unequal yolk as I and I think that's why things never worked out. Here I was reaching for God while they were reaching towards a joint. 

I thought I was ready at the time. Ready to fight for this guy and ready to sacrifice some things as long as I was certain he would still be around at the end of the day. As much as I still wish things worked out, everything really does happen for a reason. A door closes for another to open and even though I'm scared to walk into the brand new door, I am slowly learning to move on. Slowly learning to accept the past and why things happen so I can learn to trust God more. Trust He will bring me closer to where I need to be each and every brand new day. As I write this, maybe I'm not ready. I might not be ready but I also know there's nothing wrong with that. It's okay if I'm not ready and it's okay if being in a relationship isn't one of my priorities right now. It's not only relationships I'm not ready for, but it's the whole process of growing up. I'm not ready to step out of my comfort zone that I've been in for 19 years and I'm not ready to transfer and reach for my dreams. I may not be ready but I also need not to let it hinder myself from growth. With God I can do all things. Through God I will be able to slowly transition to where I need to be as a child of God. Through these doors, I'll be able to learn about God and who I am as His child. 

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. 

Philippians 4:13