Post Thanksgiving

I've been working on papers this whole Thanksgiving break and even though it has gotten stressful, it's honestly something I'm thankful for at the same time now.

I'm thankful of course for such an amazing family and amazing friends because they keep me grounded and well-rounded. I've learned how to make time for people I really care about even when I'm loaded with a bunch of work to do. Making time for other things has helped me with time management as well. I'm thankful for being able to go to school and hope that one day I can help my parents out because I know I can never fully repay them for what they've done for me the past 19 years.

I know I said that I'm thankful for going to school and all but hey, I'm also thankful that this semester ends in two weeks.

I know I take my education for granted sometimes but it's nights like this where I'm pretty blessed to still be in school because I know some people who really want to learn are held back due to some trials in their life.

Last Thursday was seriously so great. I finally went to another concert after so long! Now that Shiv is gone, I haven't been wanting to go to many concerts without her :( But Kevin and I went to the Hollywood Palladium and saw The 1975. I had such a fun time and they were amazing live. Post concert depression was so real after seeing them.

This post is kind of all over the place but whatever. I finally bought a new camera! Saving money is never easy, let me tell ya that. Been playing around with the Canon t5i and I must say, I'm having fun with it. The day after I bought it, I went around the park and took some videos and pictures of the place and a basketball coach approached me and gave me his card and asked me to film some of his basketball games. That was pretty interesting.

People who keep me sane and insane at the same time:

Of course, my parents

These lovelies 

Other than the picture from camp, I think I can finally use this specific picture saying I've grown such a great friendship with these people right here who have helped me and kept me going with my walk with God

And of course, these crazy ratchets who I love with all my heart and miss terribly 

4:46 am

And just like that--you stole my heart. And with it you stole every piece of me I thought was broken forever. You took it all away and I almost forgot I even had those pieces left. But you took more than just those pieces. You took my tears, my scars, and empty hands. 

I can thank you in so many ways but I can't seem to do so. You may have taken things that have brought me down in my past but it does not mean you have never brought me down yourself. Many nights I wonder maybe a little too much over the smallest details that are unfinished and incomplete.  With your cliffhangers and your mysteriousness, I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on.

It may be my fault for leaving my heart out on the vacant table you so happened to sit on. But something in me is telling me you sat there for a reason and that I will one day understand why. The thing is, I'm honestly getting so tired of waiting for what I'm starting to feel is nothing.

Maybe I'm just a fool who read the signs wrong because I never had a sense of direction when it came to things like this. I'm just so sad and I'm hating it. I may not be your past but I am another person. I'm always willing to put in so much effort to only get nothing in return. It's a constant cycle and I just thought that maybe I'll get something in return for once. 

I never wanted to share my feelings with others but I couldn't help it because you brought out the biggest smiles I've had in a very long time. But now, I'm lost and don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel… I'm just here like always. Sitting in my dark room at 4 in morning with nothing but you on my mind mixed with my toxic thoughts.