for I sit in the dark 

searching the spark 

for the woman I worked so hard to be

for the woman who started to feel free 

she had a taste of freedom 

what it was like to be her own 

she cried in peace, with no one to please

danced through the floors as she was blown

from music of those and her own

a square footage of peace 

that always put her mind at ease 

with a new list of responsibilities 

that still, never hid any possibilities 

I grieve for the woman I worked so hard to be

signed a letter of condolence to no addressee 

I know she is somewhere near

waiting for the all clear 

to come out once again 

with no abstain

and no refrain

free from pain 

-C.L

I Thought I Was Better

 I promise you I was okay, for the most part. Despite my last couple of entries here. Mentally, I thought I was stronger. I may not be where I was last year, and these negative thoughts did not start as early as they did the last couple of years that's for sure. But I guess sometimes things are too good to be true. It's so hard to not worry about the future... Where I'll be in 6 months, my boards, being able to pay off my loans, find a ~big girl~ job, lose weight again, clear my skin, be mentally stronger, will I be a fiancé anytime soon?! haha there's so many things that are about to unravel in 2022 and I'm honestly a little scared. The thought of everything is starting to honestly shut my body down. 

I have 1.5 weeks left of fieldwork and I've been starting to study for my NBCOT exam. I spend a lot of time in front of the screen but wonder if I'm even truly studying. Am I really understanding anything I'm reading? Some things don't really click well. I don't know if it's because I feel like I cannot fully commit to it yet because I am in fieldwork. I don't know if it's just because I need to reteach myself how to study. Am I studying too early? I don't know what it is. I think I'm just slowly falling into that slump that I usually feel around this time of the year. I just feel like isolating myself from everyone again. I don't feel like socializing. I don't feel like myself. I hate so much about myself right now actually. I feel like no one wants me around. I don't know what it is. 

Anyways, I wish I had someone who could sit me down and help me study. Talk to me, quiz me, ask me about what I'm learning so that I could verbally recite it and teach someone about what I'm learning to reassure me that I actually am studying... but as of right now I am tired. my mind is tired. I dont even know if anything I am typing makes sense honestly. I dont feel like these sentences are flowing. 

I don't care.

I don't know. 

I really thought I was doing better.