My mental health is deteriorating and it has been affecting me physically. My constant state of anxiety on the daily has been draining me every single day. I've really tried to get out of bed to do something but my body just feels heavy. Lately I've been feeling a lot of:
- Headaches, especially at night when I want to sleep early
- Joint pains
- Nausea and gagging
- Dizziness and lightheadedness
- Really bad insomnia
- Can't sleep at night but can sleep all day during the day time... literally. I'm asleep during my online classes because I can't get myself to get out of bed.
- Excessive sweating even when I'm not doing anything
- Feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, pain, insecurities, numbness, and emptiness.
- Suicidal thoughts
I've been straight up sad and unmotivated. I love drawing and I had a hard time getting myself to start a commission piece because I'd start doubting my abilities but once I start, I do admit I have fun. I'll get back to that later on. But I've been crying almost everyday over the smallest things and sometimes even out of no where. To be honest the things I look forward to are the small opportunities that come across where I can talk to someone. When my friends group chat actually has people replying, when John holds a conversation with me, or when people comment on my fucking Instagram stories of things I post. I never want to get out of bed. My joints are hurting from being in one position for hours on end on top of my usual joint pain. I don't even feel like scheduling a meeting with my counselor to talk because I think I already know what she will say to help me practice mindfulness and all these things I learn in my classes about taking care of ourselves. I'm just at that point where I don't even want to try. I joke around about wanting to be appreciated but I am fucking trying to scream out for help. I know there's no one else that can really help me in the long run but myself but I literally need attention and effort from those around me. I need reassurance. I need conversation. Like genuine fucking conversations. I want to feel like I matter. It goes back to my last post. I guess it's my fault for not being able to be there for myself the way I'm there for others but its small things I wish some could do for me. If someone I love is going through something where I don't know how to be there for them, I'll look up how to be present. I'll watch Youtube videos and look through articles and websites of how to be present for those I love. I'm always putting others before me and I wish I knew what it was like to get that in return. I'm getting so tired trying to ignore and push aside how I feel and stop telling myself I'm being selfish for wanting effort from others. I'm not doing things with the expectation of others to do the same but it would be nice to have someone care about me enough to try and actually be present for me. So many times I feel like I try or start to open up and the person I talk to isn't even really listening and eventually avoids the topic and turns the conversation around to something else.
I don't care for physical and materialistic things. I need company. I need quality time. I need words of affirmation. I keep telling myself I need to start distancing myself from people and things that make me sad or things that make me feel small and worthless but then I realize that means I'll be left alone. So there goes all the things I'm looking for right? What can I do to be there for myself? What can I do to work on my mental health and be present in the moment? How can I put myself first and have space for someone to be there with me during this journey? Should I even have that space open? Because what if no one even wants to be there for me. Thinking about where I want to take my art in the future gives me something to look forward to. Honestly that's the only thing I've been looking forward to. The thought of successfully selling my art to people and doing something fun gives me strength. Everything else has been so uncertain but I think the best thing I did for myself this year was step out of my comfort zone to open up commission to make art. I'd have made 19 pieces since August-December. I've actually had my commission windows be filled and people asking when my next window is. People actually like my art. I'm scared that after my next commission window, I won't get any more orders so I decided to not even open up another one for now and instead work on other projects like a coloring book, making stickers, and prints. I wish I didn't look for validation from others to know I have some talent. That I can make something out of myself.
I want to work on myself so bad. I feel like I need to just let out the things that bring me anxiety and worry about my present. I need to sort everything out so I can visualize things. Jashley sent me a video of Tuba's lullaby from Infinity Train today and I've had it on repeat because I comforts me yet makes me emotional at the same time. There's this one line in the song that goes, "We'll always have tomorrow, no need to let it borrow time from today." Like no, tomorrow isn't always guaranteed for everyone but why should we worry about the future instead of being present in the moment. Because we will never get back the time from the present if we're too worried about things that haven't happened yet. If that doesn't sum up my anxiety I don't know what will. It is 2:30am and I may not be about to jot every single thing down but some things that I feel anxious about that I feel like I think about on the daily include:
- This pandemic we are STILL in and next March only being 3 months away and me not even being able to process what happened this this March.
- The future of my career
- Getting constant cancellations on fieldwork 1B & C and now getting cancellations for my level 2's due to COVID
- Expectations people have for me do be someone I am not yet ready to be
- My systematic review presentation in February
- Passing the NBCOT in one take
- Not finding motivation to study better again
- My grades
- Getting close to marriage
- Being a mom when I don't feel anywhere near ready
- The way my spouse and I will raise our kids
- The life I can provide to my future family and my parents
- Being liked by literally everyone and being accepted
- How to be a good partner
- My mental health
- My physical health
- Wanting to know what the future holds and wanting and needing to be in charge of my future
- Financial burdens my family faces
- The emotional stress my family faces
- My parent's health and my dad's mental health
- Hating that my mental health makes me a bad daughter towards my parents because I am constantly lashing out over the smallest things
- Always wondering if there's something wrong with me because I never feel like people like me
- Constantly trying to find things that may help me alter the course of the future I will soon face
- John's wellbeing, his safety, and his mental and physical health
- Jashley's wellbeing, her safety, and her mental and physical health
- Always telling myself I need to be present for my friends and family
- How John feels about me and how I feel about my future
- If John even still wants to be with me
- Things not going according to plan or things not following a certain course
Seeing that list just shows how much I worry about the future. I don't know how to stop my thoughts. I'm looking for something or someone to be there to help me sort my life out. I can't do this alone.
