"An angel walked up to my door
Opened the windows to my soul
Told me he thinks that I should know
Life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger"

I think about who I do this for. Who I am still here for. 
There is so much unprocessed pain in me. 
I do not know how to manage it.
I do not know how to sort through it.  

I've noticed myself holding in my tears to the point where my throat is just in so much pain. 
I know I need to keep going. 
But some days it just feels impossible. 
I cannot stand the thought of hurting those who love me. 

There are days where I'm in a battle with my head. 
I know people love me. 
But it's so hard to believe it. 
I ask myself what's there to love?

It's so crazy to think about how fragile life is. 
How easily it could be taken away. 
How we never stop missing the ones who are no longer here. 
I don't want to hurt the ones that care about me. 

When we lost Uncle Jep in 2008, we all told him we'd be alright. 
But as we grew older his promises were always in our minds. 
We'd share with him how we got our permits, got our licenses, our first legal drink... 
He was always in our hearts. 

When we lost Ate Nicolle this year, we tried our bests to tell her we'll be alright. 
We make these promises to her because we know she wouldn't want us hurting. 
We live with these unanswered questions and memories with her. 
And continue to wish she was with us through all this. 

But if I could be honest, it's so hard trying to be okay. 
I come across pictures, memories, dreams, and it still hurts. 
Because every time that happens I have a battle with my mind and reality
and try so hard to tell myself you're still here. 

We hold onto their "I love you's"
Their words of encouragement
Their smiles
Their memories 

Life just has a whole new meaning when we lose those we love. 
Battling through my mental health is such a fucking struggle. 
There are some days I feel okay but once things start getting bad, 
I have a hard time getting out of the funk. 

I just think about who would even care if I left.
If I made an impact in anyone's life. 
I'm tired of these thoughts. 
I'm tired of myself.