It's been a long while since my last entry and honestly... it feels much longer than it actually has been. So grab a drink, this will be a long one.
But I'm back with some things weighing my heart down. I'm ready to pick up this habit of writing things down again. I was looking for my 500 Days of Summer DVD after John and I watched 50/50 this past weekend. Unfortunately, I was unlucky finding the DVD but I did stumble across my old journals that I started writing in high school. My first journal had like 3 different entries in one day. I'd write and write and wrote down every single detail about my day, how I felt, what I saw, what I smelled, what I wanted... but I stopped. I turned to writing as I was going through depression and slowly turned to writing only whenever I felt upset.
Looking back at my old posts from this blog made me realize something: I'm losing my relationship with God. I stepped down from the youth group in January to focus on my studies and honestly to work on my faith and relationship with God again. I love being able to go to Bible studies now without worrying about what topic to prepare, being home at a certain time before the study started to set everything up for everyone, and I just love being a listener again. This gave me the opportunity to get to know God all over again without stressing about other small things to prepare for that night. I missed this feeling.
I feel myself falling in love with God again and it feels amazing. I'm not going to deny how happy I've been for the past year despite me slowly falling out of my faith but this feeling is different; a good kind of different. It's almost uplifting and rejuvenating to feel this way again. It's a feeling I no longer want to lose. This feeling is almost a form of anticipation and excitement to see what else I can learn and what else I can improve on about myself.
To be completely honest, the more I grow with God again the more I realize things I've been blinded by this past year. I'm not going to deny that I've fallen into sin so many times last year--I'm human. But now I feel like the fog in my vision is beginning to clear up and I'm seeing all these things in another perspective. I look at some relationships I have in my life and see what's real and what God wants me to continue and I see what God wants me to cut off. My faith is a really big part of me and I am not afraid to admit it. And although I am imperfect and still fell very short countless of times, I always find myself catching my actions and holding myself accountable for them. It wasn't easy to stray from some sins that I grew some sort of addiction to and quite honestly, I still fight myself away from those sins today. But I always turned back to God to ask for strength. So like I said, my faith plays a very big role in my life and I want to grow everyday. I want to build strong relationships with other people who fear and love the Lord and I want to be able to uplift each other. Especially the relationships I have that I pray will last for years.
Surrounding myself with people within the same faith as I can help with my journey because I have some sort of accountability. Someone who will provide me with Godly advice and who will redirect me to God when I fall short. I really missed this feeling. The fire that dimmed in my heart is slowly beginning to grow again. I want to meet more people who can help me grow but I know I can't be dependent with only them. But I'm so excited. I'm so excited to see what's in store and I'm so excited for where and what God has in store for me and I want to share this feeling with those around me.
As joyful I am with where my faith is going and growing, I have to admit that I am upset about something. This past week alone I've received countless reminders of my appearance. How I've gained so much weight, what I need to do to get rid of it, how to look better... It's draining to hear. I already know my body and I can see everything everyone points out to me but I see it more clearly. In detail, close up, and I can feel it. I don't want to point all the blame towards my medication for bloating me up this way because at the end of the day my lifestyle choices is what needs to be held accountable. I don't eat healthy anymore, I don't watch my portions, I don't do anything about it. I'm constantly pointing out my flaws to myself every damn day in the mirror and quite frankly I really don't need anyone else shoving things down my throat based on my appearance.
Why do I wear more make up now? Because as of today, I can actually control something about myself physically and it honestly makes me feel so much better about myself. I need this sort of boost to motivate myself. And I grew to love make up even more. Lately make up has been the best therapeutic thing for me. I can sit down for hours just doing a really simple look but the process alone makes me feel so good. Why do I wear such loose clothing? Because I don't see anything else that flatters me anymore and makes me feel good. I literally just toss and turn in bed almost every night in tears because of how much I hate how I look. But I truly am trying. I'm trying my best to make healthier choices, eating less, and working out more. I really freaking trying but it isn't easy for me. I'm so self conscious about myself and I'm really hoping to improve on my wellbeing through my journey of building a stronger relationship with Christ.
I'm trying. I'm trying to be positive again. I'm trying to be patient, understanding, helpful, and kind again. I'm trying to find myself and being aware and mindful of the journey I'm on and how to grow. Please keep me in your prayers.
Charlene
