March Madness

This past month I've been trying this new thing where I kind of step out of the picture to take the time for myself. I've been trying to find sanity through all that's been happening lately. I am very much aware that my past couple posts have to do with me losing myself and slowly going crazy in the midst of it all, but I am not doing this for nothing. I've been trying to center my faith again and I've been working on becoming a stronger individual. I haven't been blogging much about it because I didn't feel ready to share it.

But as a recap... Yes. I have gone "crazy" the past couple weeks. I have had my fair share of laughter and tears. But I can assure you, I am getting better. I've had to cut ties I felt were unhealthy for me and the person involved. I am happier and I hope they are as well. I know I could have cut ties better with proper closure, but I don't know how to bring it up. It's already seemed it was inevitable. The past months have been me putting others before me. I just wanted them to be happy while I was tearing myself apart. I stuck around relationships I hoped would work and relationships I saw a bright future with. As time progressed, that bright future began to fade and I guess that's when I started to lose myself. I've been stressing with school, leadership with the church, a couple of friendships, and even my faith. Once the future dimmed, I didn't realize that I dug myself into this deep hole that wasn't easy to climb out of. I'm not fully "healed" and I don't know when I will be, but I am taking baby steps to get out of this annoying hole.

I do not get a spring break because my winter semester was long, but most of my best friends are currently on break and I'm trying to make as much time with them as possible. I love them so much and they really keep my mind off of things. Last week, my cousin was over for her break as well. I'm really just trying to fit in time for those who make me happiest. I've also started a new book called Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis! Hope to blog about it soon.

Anyway, today after class I went straight to Shivani's house and headed off to Long Beach to go kayaking. It was so fun! My arms are in so much pain but I want to say I got a good arm work out from it. Tomorrow, also after class, Shivani and I will be going to see The Vacationer in Santa Ana. Erica's going to Disneyland, I'm not too sure why Krystal can't come, and Raissa is in school still and it's hell week for PBL (I think that's what it's called).

Thinking Ahead

Currently playing: It Had To Be You-Frank Sinatra 

They always encourage us to do something we love in the future. They always tell us to do something that we will wake up excited about.

In all honesty, when I think about working with children in the future, I can't help but be excited about what is in store for me. Through lab and observations, I know things will not always be easy. Through my classes, I know that things can get extremely stressful and overwhelming. Although I want to become a Speech Pathologist, I don't really mind having teaching children as my Plan B. I always tell my family that respiratory therapy is my Plan B and all I ever get out of them is, "Oh, yes. That has great pay!" But isn't about the money. I haven't been around the environment of a Speech Pathologist yet but I do plan on working my way up soon. I want to get a lot of my classes out of the way but I also want to work and get experience and have a taste of my future before I realize it may be a turn around and I end up realizing I want to do something else in the future (which I doubt, but you never know). I guess transferring may have to get delayed a couple more semesters but I'd rather know what I'm getting into through hands-on experience. For the most part, watching a child explore the environment around them is exciting for me. They learn through action and through proper guidance.

There isn't an easy way through school but I learned that changing your attitude and perspective towards school helps ease the stress. I have to constantly remind myself that it will be worth it in the end. I wish teachers received more recognition and respect because they don't only teach a child what "1+1" is but they are also a friend, a therapist, a nurse, a mediator, and a plethora of other roles. Through the classes I've taken, there is so much work put in to just become a teacher. I feel like their work goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Majoring in Child Development has opened my eyes in many ways and I am very thankful for that reason. I'm trying to work at my own pace but there's always people telling me to pick up the speed. But like I said, I want to be able to work and gain experience and learn through there. I feel like that will help with the classes I'm taking. There's so many people in my classes that already work with children and share their experiences to the class and I just sit there and listen. God willing, I'll be able to work by summer.

Although we are all tired 24/7, keep going. Don't give up guys! I wish the best for everyone and may you all prosper doing something you love to do! Take care.

Charlene

CONSU[ME]D

The world around me is too big

To just be sitting in the same city

Time same room, the same park, the same classroom

Almost every day of the week

The world around me is too big

To go ignored or rescheduled 

Because I'm, "Too busy" or

I'm, "Too broke"

The world around me is too big

To live in sorrow over something so small

So petty

When I could be out making the best of my time

The world around me is too big

And too grand to not thank The Creator above

For something so beautiful

For something worth exploring

The world around me is too big

To not try to meet new faces

New friends, new restaurants, new coffee shops,

Or to be too scared for new beginnings

The world around me is too big

To not try new things

To not step out of my comfort zone

To not take some risks

I've always wanted to meet new people

To get insight on the unique traits we all carry

And to be inspired through them

And to grow

I've always wanted to meet people

Who were as broke as I was but still

Wanted to have a little fun and adventure 

With the little money we had in our pockets

I've always wanted to meet people

That I could share my crazy thoughts with

Or someone who wanted to just "chill"

With a movie and some drinks

I feel like I'm so trapped in this small city

Or trapped under schoolwork 

Or under too many expectations 

That I may have lost myself

[And lost my mind]

I want to go to cheap intimate $5 concerts

It doesn't even have to be an artist I know 

And just listen to new music

And find inspiration through it

But I also want to go to bigger concerts

And dance freely 

And get lost in the moment

Not having to worry about recording the song playing

I sometimes want to disconnect from the world

And find peace within myself

To learn to love myself again

As well as finding Him again

I feel like I've been so caught up with school

And petty problems in life

That I've lost a sense of who I am

Or what I've become

I feel like I've drifted from my faith

And stopped making time out of my day

To talk to the God above

To someone that can be my best friend

I feel like I've drifted from 

Things that I found comfort and solitude in

And getting back in it 

Would be too foreign to me

Such as music, art, reading

Because I've just ran out of time

Or I'm too tired to make time

Or too lazy to find time

Constantly feeling drained 

Out of focus 

Tired

Useless 

Give me some time

I'll be back

Speed

Everything is happening so fast lately. With such a fast pace, I feel I have very little time for myself. Not much time to relax or do what I like--such as writing, reading, drawing, playing instruments, etc. I would LOVE to have the extra time for all that but I've been so clustered under all my schoolwork and other responsibilities.

Once my winter semester ended, I barely was able to catch up on sleep but after that quick week, here I am back in school. Being a full-time student is no joke and I've also been pretty stressed with the path I'm taking in my educational career. I was so set on becoming a Speech Pathologist and reaching for this goal through majoring in Child Development. Luckily, one of my professors this semester is a Speech Pathology major and we planned a day this week to sit down and talk about the options I can take to reach my goal. She told me straight up how stressful the program is and all these things to expect from it. It scared the hell out of me. If I think I'm stressed now, imagine once I transfer and work on my major.

Growing up is overwhelming. Trying to plan everything on your own and choosing which course suits you best is not as easy as it sounds. There's so much to choose from that I don't even know what's best for myself anymore.

Despite the rush of life, I was able to participate in another open mic. This time not with my poetry, but with a video instead. I'll probably post it on my blog as soon as I set it up on Youtube or something. Filmed in Michelle's house, around Walnut, and around LA. Visited places such as, Alfred Coffee, UCLA, Melrose, and even Kanye & Frank Ocean's neighborhood????!?!?! Pretty fun filming the whole this with Raissa, John, and Chris. I received great feedback after playing my video on Saturday at the open mic.

Kind of wish time slowed down a little bit because I really need it. Other than that, things are going well. Still stuck in certain situations I wish were forgotten and/or forgiven, but we can't always get what we want. In all honesty, I feel like because of my schedule, I've slowly lost the time I should be saving for God. I've been drifting from my daily devotionals and even my parents and I haven't done our family devotionals in a long while. I need to get back on track because I would not be where i am if it wasn't for Him and the abundant blessings and opportunities in my life.