I am a human being.
I feel the same emotions that another feels.
I am not the strongest.
I have my own set of weaknesses.
I am a human being.
I am not a prize to be won.
I am human.

I am an individual who can only take in so much out of a certain situation. I am not invincible. I have my own set of limits. I am a human being for crying out loud! You cannot expect me to not feel sadness at a time like this. You cannot expect me to not feel guilty over this.
I do not know if this is what God is sending me as a test of faith for him, but I do know that I'm slowly losing grip. I am lost. I know what I want but I don't know what God wants for me. I do not know if this is a team effort of two people. If this is what God is putting us to the test with.
I do not know how long I can still stick around. I do not know if it's worth staying anymore. I don't know if I should give space in a time like this.

If I have to be honest, I was the happiest I've ever been. Things finally started falling into place and I knew it is incomparable to my past. I knew that it was not going to be the same anymore. That I can finally put my trust in someone without pushing them away like I always did. But lately I have been feeling such a heavy burden that has affected me in many ways. I am slowly growing tired. I'm growing impatient when I shouldn't be. But I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to believe in something that will only greatly hurt me in the end. I don't want to hold onto to something that will disappear soon. This is coming in all so fast.

But I do not know anymore. I hurt too. I feel like this all unnecessary and I just want it to end.
I am a human being.

5 am

First week into winter break and I'm loving it. Been pretty occupied with a lot of things (in a good way) and have been trying new things as well. I still sleep late, hence why this is titled 5 am. I guess I'm still set on that 6am sleep schedule I was on when class was still in session.

Winter break has been treating me well but I'm honestly so scared to check my grades. I feel like I'll break down into tears when I see my bio psych grade but at the same time I feel like I'll just say, "Screw it". Thinking about it stresses me out so much! I feel like I still need to kiss up to my professor for a good grade even though I know she'd never help me out. I just have to pray about it. I also need to start looking for facilities where I can volunteer at for my field of study. I've asked around with some family who care for a child with autism and they have recommended places for me to check out.

Sometimes I can't help but think about my future and just fear about it. I'm so scared that all the work I've been putting in will go to waste, that money and precious time will be wasted, and I'll be nothing but a disappointment. What if I study 8 years for something only to find out that in 15 years, I won't even be working within that field? That I'll be doing the complete opposite of it? Or what if I'm still in school trying to find out where I want to be? I hear a lot of people doubting me and as much as I would like to say I will prove them wrong, I'm starting to believe that I won't be good enough to do what I see myself doing today. There's just constant knocking on my brain asking what I'll do next. I honestly wish I had money to just drop everything and just travel the world, meet new people, help those less fortunate than I, etc. I want to make a difference during my lifetime NOW. Not only when I become a speech therapist, but I just want to help people out. I know I don't have much to offer, but I would really like to help with what I have.

I really miss my friends and I am so excited for us to be together again. Shivani is back from studying abroad but left for India a week after but I'm still glad I was able to see her before she left again. I'm so excited to see everyone else though! Slowly finding time to catch up with friends I was not able to hang out with during the semester and it makes me so happy to finally see them again. I didn't even realize it but I have so much planned this break. I'll be pretty occupied this short break. Just thinking about it, I only have 2 weeks left before I start school again.

The weather has been cooling down though. I'm very happy for weekly rainfall, for cool temperatures, and gloomy skies. Being able to layer up is so fun and I'm so happy about that.

It's 4 minutes till 6 so I should probably force myself to sleep since I have a long day ahead of me.

Charlene

Finals Week

The bittersweet end of a semester is finally here! I've been very busy with school and with church activities. We have exciting events coming up for the youth and I have heard some surprising news as well about what to look forward to with these festivities. My last final is on Wednesday and I think Michelle and I are trying to plan a trip down to LA to take some pictures.

With the free time I get before winter semester starts, I'm honestly going to try to take advantage of every moment. Whether it be taking the day off, pampering myself, and watching some films or just going out with friends and enjoying their company. I planned to try and reduce my time spent on social media just so I can breathe in the polluted air around me, haha! I want to focus working on photography, writing music, reading books, and meeting new people. It's something I have been craving to do throughout this whole semester. Now that the time will be given to me, it's a must I take advantage of it. Since I haven't been getting much sleep the past 16 weeks, I will admit that my bad temper rises up more than usual and I lose my patience easily. Sometimes I'm just too tired to interact because I didn't get any sleep the night before and it comes off as rude and snobby. But honestly, sometimes I take a step back and wonder why I put more than I can handle on my plate sometimes. I'm highly involved in school and church--I mean, I don't mind it because those are some of my top priorities but now I'm helping my cousin plan a New Years party for the family. I know three things don't seem too much from this perspective, but if you knew the things I did for each thing I'm pretty sure you'll understand it a little more. I don't have time to do what I want to do and it makes me sad. I have bought books to read but  couldn't find time to just sit back and read. I listen to music that inspires me to write a song, but I have to put it aside because I need to write a 10 page paper. I want to go out and see new things but I have to stay home and study for this exam. Can't go out with friends that day because I need to go to a meeting. And it goes on. This is why I hope this winter break is not filled with my face planted on my phone or laptop the whole time. I want to take plenty of time for myself, catch up with friends, anything. I don't even mind if my friends and I are in a room with nothing planned as long as we're within each others company. I miss my friends. I haven't seen some of them in so long because schedules don't align.

God bless everyone taking finials within the next two weeks!
Study hard, stay positive, and finish strong!

Post Thanksgiving

I've been working on papers this whole Thanksgiving break and even though it has gotten stressful, it's honestly something I'm thankful for at the same time now.

I'm thankful of course for such an amazing family and amazing friends because they keep me grounded and well-rounded. I've learned how to make time for people I really care about even when I'm loaded with a bunch of work to do. Making time for other things has helped me with time management as well. I'm thankful for being able to go to school and hope that one day I can help my parents out because I know I can never fully repay them for what they've done for me the past 19 years.

I know I said that I'm thankful for going to school and all but hey, I'm also thankful that this semester ends in two weeks.

I know I take my education for granted sometimes but it's nights like this where I'm pretty blessed to still be in school because I know some people who really want to learn are held back due to some trials in their life.

Last Thursday was seriously so great. I finally went to another concert after so long! Now that Shiv is gone, I haven't been wanting to go to many concerts without her :( But Kevin and I went to the Hollywood Palladium and saw The 1975. I had such a fun time and they were amazing live. Post concert depression was so real after seeing them.

This post is kind of all over the place but whatever. I finally bought a new camera! Saving money is never easy, let me tell ya that. Been playing around with the Canon t5i and I must say, I'm having fun with it. The day after I bought it, I went around the park and took some videos and pictures of the place and a basketball coach approached me and gave me his card and asked me to film some of his basketball games. That was pretty interesting.

People who keep me sane and insane at the same time:

Of course, my parents

These lovelies 

Other than the picture from camp, I think I can finally use this specific picture saying I've grown such a great friendship with these people right here who have helped me and kept me going with my walk with God

And of course, these crazy ratchets who I love with all my heart and miss terribly 

4:46 am

And just like that--you stole my heart. And with it you stole every piece of me I thought was broken forever. You took it all away and I almost forgot I even had those pieces left. But you took more than just those pieces. You took my tears, my scars, and empty hands. 

I can thank you in so many ways but I can't seem to do so. You may have taken things that have brought me down in my past but it does not mean you have never brought me down yourself. Many nights I wonder maybe a little too much over the smallest details that are unfinished and incomplete.  With your cliffhangers and your mysteriousness, I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on.

It may be my fault for leaving my heart out on the vacant table you so happened to sit on. But something in me is telling me you sat there for a reason and that I will one day understand why. The thing is, I'm honestly getting so tired of waiting for what I'm starting to feel is nothing.

Maybe I'm just a fool who read the signs wrong because I never had a sense of direction when it came to things like this. I'm just so sad and I'm hating it. I may not be your past but I am another person. I'm always willing to put in so much effort to only get nothing in return. It's a constant cycle and I just thought that maybe I'll get something in return for once. 

I never wanted to share my feelings with others but I couldn't help it because you brought out the biggest smiles I've had in a very long time. But now, I'm lost and don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel… I'm just here like always. Sitting in my dark room at 4 in morning with nothing but you on my mind mixed with my toxic thoughts.

God's Blessings.

I know my posts can get pretty repetitive about how blessed I've been feeling lately. But I can't help but be blessed! There are so many things happening in the world today that are reasons why some lose hope and stray away from God but I know that God will always be there for us no matter what.

My walk with the Lord is still in progress but everyday I know I'm in safe hands. I know that He is doing great things in my life as long as I put my trust in Him. He has put people in my life that really help me grow as an individual. They are people who motivate and inspire me to never stop this journey with God. People who I can always talk to and people who will always be there for me. Being around people with the same beliefs as I is motivating because we can all learn from one another and keep each other on track when one feels lost. That is what's so amazing. Every youth night is such a big blessing to me because I believe that God has placed me within an amazing family that will stand in unity. The things that God has guided me through, what he has put in my life, and what he is taken out just proves that he knows what is best for us. He'll take things away to give us something better.

The fire that I had from camp is still lit. There was something about this years camp that was my push to become better. The love for God that I saw in the campers eyes was so beautiful. Everyone was so happy, so blessed, so moved. I became close to a lot of people this year. It is so important to surround yourself with people you know will help you grow. When you surround yourself with people who will stray you from your religion, people who will bring you down, people who will neglect you--that's where you start to feel discouraged and lonely. I remember being so upset for the longest time over something and just had everything else become negative and that started to pile up. I wasn't happy for the longest time and had to put on a fake smile to let everyone know I was "okay". But now that I'm putting my trust in the Lord, I can put on a genuine smile.

We need to remember that trusting the Lord is key. We need to trust that everything that is happening has a purpose. My family and I do weekly devotionals together but I honestly didn't read my bible everyday on my own but ever since a friend of mine emailed me one of his daily devotionals, I signed up for devotionals to be emailed to me everyday and that has helped me a lot. I now do devotionals everyday (almost everyday, but at least I read more consistently than I ever have!) I'll miss a devotional like once a week but I read it the next day as well as the devotional of the day to catch up. But overall, God is doing great things in my life and I'm so blessed.

He is guiding me through my studies, my relationships, my struggles, my pain--everything. There are some things at the moment with no answer, but in progress, that I really want answers to. Sometimes I get so impatient that I need to know what's going to happen with certain situations in my life. I pray for it everyday and I'm waiting and waiting for an answer but I have to remember that things will fall into place, not in my time, but in God's time. I need to discipline my impatience! But I know that's going to take a while because I'm so needy with answers because I don't like surprises. That's the thing with God's blessings though because there are so many blessings in disguise and it will obviously surprise us eventually.

I always want to bring my friends to youth nights, to bible studies, to my church concerts because I want them to feel what I feel about the Lord. I want to share the experience that I have received with the Lord in my life. But I know I cannot force people into something that they are not interested in. I try to motivate some people but it's so hard because sometimes they aren't even willing to make time for it. I've seen some people so close to me start to drift from the Lord but I know it shouldn't be a reason why I stop talking to them. I need to always be there for them and slowly introduce the Lord in their life. I'll admit sometimes I get discouraged with certain individuals because they always say they'll come to an event but end up not going and instead do something else that night like go to a party, a club, etc. It makes me really sad. I want to spend time with them but sometimes I feel like they just push me out of their lives because they have other friends who matter more, they have better things to do, etc. I think that's why I've kind of gotten a lot closer to the youths in church because they never make me feel neglected. I can't really explain it. I've gotten closer to the youth in church because I feel more secure and accepted there than around some people. I know they'll always be there for me and they know I'll always be there for them. But I can't help but pray and ask Him what I should do, how I should handle situations with certain people, etc.

Other than that, last night was youth night and it was a fun night like always! Can't wait to see them all again soon!

Charlene

The Recap

It's been so long since my last post. I have been so busy lately that I didn't have much time to write what has been happening!

Anyways, it's not like there's a lot happening anyways. I'm just really busy with school and trying to balance studying for my classes as well as writing essays and what not. My environmental science class is killing me! Tested every week and next week we have a midterm. I really want to get an A on it to bring my grade up because even if I got a B on the last exam, my professor is willing to drop the lowest grade so there's hope for me!

Last Saturday I went over to Michelle's to model for her clothing line (Simplex) and it was a pretty fun experience. I usually tell her that I don't want to model because I don't know how to pose but I think it's just something I need to learn to get used to.

I think it's such a blessing to be able to sing on stage with FIRM tomorrow for Youth Night! I remember Lauren and I used to say how cool it'd be to learn from them and next thing you know we're invited to sing with them. So that's pretty cool. I'm so inspired by the people around me and I'm really glad I met them. Lauren, if you're reading this, hi! Can't wait to hear your final recording of your song ;)
This Saturday is Fullerton's Friendship Games but I don't think I'll be able to attend because I have to watch a dance show at school and write a report on it as well as practice. It was easy to dismiss myself from practice before but the other pianist took a leave of absence for a month so there's just me. I don't mind it though, I get to learn more and more. Last week was my little hell week because I did all nighters and got only like 2 hours of sleep some nights because of studying for my human bio exam. I got a higher grade than my last test so I'm pretty happy about that too and I'm hoping for a curve on the last exam.
My parents are back home from the Philippines and I can already see my stomach beginning to re-bloat because I'm eating my mom's tasty food again. But I'm really trying to cut down by the end of November. It's not that far from now but I'm also trying to lose a lot of weight in the winter again so I can look hot for the summer hahaha. Also have The 1975 next month and Jhene Aiko in December. I have a lot of things I want to write but I really need to get back to studying.

Charlene

IDK.

Signed up for PASA's AKA and met my Ate on Wednesday. I'm glad we were paired together because we have the same personality so I'm looking forward to seeing her much more often. It was fun meeting new people as well as seeing a couple of old faces and being able to talk to them again.

I don't know how to express my feelings right now. I can't properly conjure the words to help me describe this knot of "feels" in my mind. Can't tell if I'm relieved, mad, or sad.

I don't know.
All I know is I need sleep but I also have to do an essay and study.

Weekends do not exist for me.

The Days of September's End

God has called my grandmother to be with him in heaven this week. She is now living pain and worry free.

Going back to the Philippines will never be the same without seeing her big beautiful smile when entering through the gates of her house. She would always be in the center waiting for our arrival then immediately asking us if we wanted anything to eat. It truly saddens me that I haven't seen her in such a long time. I believe it's been 4 years. My family and I used to visit every two years but things got very busy, holding us back. What also hurts me is thinking about our plans of coming home this Christmas. But these happenings have caught everyone by surprise. When my mom came back home from the Philippines, my grandmother was in stable condition. She was responding and smiling. But five days after my mom's return home, we got the news.

Like I said, it caught everyone by surprise. We all thought things were okay. Monday morning, I was still up pretty late just doing some homework. Our internet went down for that time so I couldn't use Spotify to listen to music so I used my iTouch instead. Around 1:45 am, I went to the restroom in my mom's room and set my iTouch on the bed while still playing music. While in the restroom, the music stops playing and I get scared because I didn't know the reason why it stopped. I figured my iTouch ran out of battery. I called Lauren because I knew she was still up and told her why I was scared. When I stepped out to check my iTouch, it was fully charged. My mom does graveyard shifts so I texted her "Mom". Then, because I didn't reply to her response after, she calls me asking what's happening. I just told her I was scared because my music randomly stopped playing. Then around 2:30 am, I get another call from my mom and she's sobbing and I couldn't understand anything she was saying other than, "Lola (grandmother in Tagalog) is gone" and "my mom is gone". I was so in shock that it took me a while to process what I was trying to decipher as my mom spoke. She continued saying all these things but I couldn't understand a single word. I wake my dad up so we can both talk to her and try to comfort her. I couldn't sleep. My grandmother passed away September 29, 2014.

My mom comes home at 8 in the morning and all I could do was hug her while she cried. She kept saying she didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say and ended up just crying with her. Then as I prepared for school, I just overheard my mom calling family to let them in on what's happened. My mom was telling them how my Lola said her "goodbye" to me the night before. That it was the reason my music stopped playing. I also heard her say that before she left the Philippines, my grandma told her that my birthday was coming up the week after. How she would never forget my birthday. Tears started to run down my face.

So my birthday was pretty much a sad one. How could I celebrate my birthday knowing that my grandmother passed away the morning before? My parents are both leaving for the Philippines tomorrow (or today, October 1) and will be gone until October 12. My family and I went out for lunch in DTLA but it wasn't like our usual lunches. We were quiet. My mom was tired. My dad had a busy mind. I just tried to make the best of it and tried to stay positive. It just angers me that I can't be with them when they go back to the Philippines. I can't go with them to visit my family and see my grandmother one more time. That I can't do anything else but pray. It's not like I'll be able to pay attention in class because I'll be too busy waiting for a text from my parents. My mind will be too preoccupied with other thoughts instead of studying. But I know I must be strong and just trust in the Lord with all my heart. Trust that God has a purpose for everything that happens in our life and that we must always seek Him first.

I pray that my parents have a safe flight back to the Philippines. I pray for guidance for myself as well because I will be far away from them. I pray for my family back home to stay strong.

To whomever is reading this:
Cherish your life. Cherish and make time for those you love because life can always take us by surprise. Remind them you love them everyday and always have a forgiving heart. Remember to always pray and to never lose hope. Make the best of every situation no matter how tough things may get. To always spread love instead of hate. We are all fighting our own battles. There is no need to hurt another because something didn't go your way or didn't add up to your expectations. Be kind to all, smile to strangers, and just spread happiness. Some people bottle up all their emotions when all they really need is for someone to listen and not judge them. Like I said, remind those you love that you love them. Show them how much you love them. Show them how thankful you are for them because they are in your life. Also like already mentioned, make time for those you love! We always think we can see someone whenever we want to, but one day that will no longer be an option. In the blink of an eye, those we love will be taken away from us. We can no longer see them when we feel like it. We will no longer hear their voices, feel their touch, and we will no longer be able to make new memories with them. Make the best of today! Don't think too much about the future and thinking we all have the same amount of time. Because the reality is, we don't. Spend your time with God, with those who help you grow, who make you happiest, and cherish every millisecond with them.

September

I would like to write forever about how things have been going lately--but I won't.

But there is just so much to look forward to about my future. With my walk with God, all these upcoming events, a couple concerts, my education, my relationships, etc. Not everyday is filled with sunshine but why let that hold me back from making the best of any situation? I have to remind myself that there's so much happening in my life that it can get hard to balance it but it isn't impossible. I'm surrounded by people who are so inspirational, great and encouraging. Sometimes I can't help but reminisce back to when I was influenced to do all these negative things and when I didn't know how to say, "No". I thought that I had to fit into the environment I surrounded myself in. Thought I had to do what everyone else was doing to the point where I thought my actions defined me. Like I did what I did for myself. At the time, I thought I knew who I was. But now that I'm older, I'm actually able to make my own decisions without feeling conscious about not living up to people's expectations. When I was younger, I thought I've become this person who enjoyed partying and doing all these things that hurt me. Thought I enjoyed taking some dangerous risks in life. I was wrong. I was so wrong to think that way. I was so lost. Didn't know who to look up to, who to talk to, didn't know who gave a crap about me either. No, I am not perfect. I still have my flaws but I know I am not the same person I was a couple years ago. I had to do a lot of growing up because I had to tell myself that what I was doing at the time is not acceptable. It's never something to be proud of. It isn't something worth bragging over and being boastful about. Doing so will bring me towards the wrong crowd. I'm honestly glad that phase of my life is in my past. The fearful truth is that one day these old habits are possible to return. But now I am able to control myself better than I ever did before. I have to stay strong in my faith so I don't fall back into these horrible habits. So I don't have to regret doing something the next morning either.

A friend of mine told me that I inspired her to become a better person. It honestly meant so much to me hearing that someone is inspired by me. I can't explain it! But it made me really happy to hear that from her. Maybe my life isn't so crappy after all? Maybe I'm actually doing something right? Something worth noticing? It's kind of like a confidence boost to "keep doing me". I've also met people who are inspirations to my own life. I have friends who inspire me to become a better pianist, writer, Christian, etc. They remind me that there is always room for improvement. To never tell myself that I'm already the best I can be because there's still so much more to learn. So many more things waiting to be used and discovered. What I'm trying to say is I'm so blessed to have people accept me for being who I am. That they don't expect me to do what I am not capable of but at the same time encourage me to reach new heights by also reminding me they will always be there if I fail or feel like giving up. Does that make any sense?

Anyways, yesterday was youth night. I was about to go to Cal Poly to see Chance the Rapper but I'm really glad I decided to hang out with the youth last night. It's always so fun being with everyone! It just sucks how there's distance between all of us. But the drive to each other is always worth it anyways.

"The Climb"

There are times we go through such hardships and are blinded by our blessings that we forget about what we have because we are too focused on what we don't have. We encounter times where some lose their way from the Lord, lose their identity, and go insane. Trying too hard to balance everything in our lives that we forget to save time for God--forgetting that he deserves our time with all he's done for us.

After a talk with a couple of the youth, it gave me a short time to reflect about my past. The things I've done in high school, the people I've associated myself with, and thinking I already knew who I was by the age of 15. I have to admit that there are a good handful of things I wish I didn't do yesterday, last week, last month, last year, and five years before. What I realized is with all these regrets, I down myself. I put myself down over some stupid mistake that supposedly haunts me until today. What I didn't know was about the great feeling you get after a prayer with the Lord. When you sacrifice something, ask for guidance, ask for strength… you feel a sense of relief to know you pretty much vented your heart out. Even if I thought I knew who I was by 15, I will admit that now I know I am still a work in progress.

There's something about the topic of relationships that intrigues me. I guess it's the way I observe people talk about their love, their confusion, their anger, fear, frustration, and pain. Something about a description of their feelings interests me. You learn a little more about the individual you are speaking to. You're given an opportunity to open up as well--that is, if they're willing to listen. You get to know about one another because of the common interests you share. Talking about relationships is really interesting and you learn how others cope, how others "make a move," and what goes in their minds before setting themselves up in a new relationship. That to how one is fearful of a relationship and pretty much cut out being in one to save themselves from heartbreak. You meet people who stray from relationships until they feel like God is personally leading someone to them. We get to know about their prayers, what they look for in someone, and the great heights they are wiling to climb through to be happy with someone else. Feelings are really something. When things first spark, they're all you think about. They're who you look forward to, who you wish to be with, who you want to talk to. You gain excitement for the next time you get to see them.

I've been out of this relationship page for a long while now but I'm honestly okay with it. Because in between, I've made such great friends who I feel like will be around for a really long time. It's a different kind of friendship from being friends with someone because you simply had a class in high school with them. There's something else that creates the bond, but wow it's a strong one. Things will fall into place in it's own time, and I know to never force something. "The faster you get into something, the faster you get out of it." So, to all the friends I've made in the last couple of years, thanks so much for letting me into your lives and letting me be a part of it.

Summer break is coming to an end for students at Universities. Krystal & Erica left and are doing their own things now in their new apartments. I finally decided to join PASA thanks to Raissa and I had a really good time at the members retreat last Saturday. I met some nice people and I look forward to seeing more of them. I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone and I'm trying to be more social. I'm usually really shy when meeting someone for the first time but I have to remind myself to really just be myself when introducing who I am to others. I had a Human Bio midterm yesterday and wow did it rape me. The first half was easy but once the fill in the blanks came, I was just like "NOPE". I have one more midterm coming up this Thursday for my Environmental Science class and seriously that class is just a pain that studying for it is worse. But I know I need to keep my focus in it. I'm thinking of actually cutting out some social media's for a while just so I can focus on my studies, but at the same time, that's how I keep in touch with some people. We'll see, we'll see.

I've been listening to City & Colour repeatedly for the last couple of days. How can you not love Dallas Green? I've also just been listening to Jhené Aiko's newest release and I love it.

I'm happy that my mom is finally coming home tonight. I haven't had a home cooked meal in 2 weeks and I've lost weight because of that! Haha, or maybe I should just stop eating home cooked meals so I don't gain weight.

Charlene

The sad thing is…

We can have all these friends, that may or may not care about us, but we can still feel alone.

You can have all these "best friends" and "close friends" but still feel like none of them would drive to you when you feel like jumping off a building.

We feel like no one cares when there's a good handful who truly do.

There are so many things to be grateful for, yet we are so blinded by them because we can't actually feel satisfied by it.

You want to run away but have no where to run off to.

I'd rather burn in this heat then stay in this air conditioned house.

I don't even know who to talk to right now.

You can take all these things to numb the pain but the pain will still be there.

I have a ton of homework I still have to do.

Stretch, Smile, & Breathe

So yes, things are pretty hectic lately. Mom's away from home (she's literally the one who keeps this house running), stress from school, family member is sick, constantly tired, youth planning, practices, etc. but I'm always trying to look on the more brighter side.

There's something that's been keeping me really happy these last couple of days but I know I can't grow too dependent on it because everything is temporary… but dang it just let me enjoy it for now. Also, I've been doing pilates and it honestly makes me feel a lot better about the situations going in my life. It takes my mind away from it all and gives me the time to focus on myself. I like that we can't have our phones around us as it is a distraction--blah, blah, blah.

If you're reading this with a lot of stress built up in you, I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, you should really try to get into yoga/pilates. Some guys don't want to get into it because it's "too girly" but I have guys in my class and I see them working up a sweat. You learn how to breathe, you work on posture, flexibility, strength, how to connect your mind and your body, etc.

Can't write too much today because I have a ton of homework I need to work on.
Stretch, smile, and breathe. Good luck!

Charlene

Over Seas

My mom bought a ticket this morning for a last minute flight to the Philippines to visit my family member who is in the hospital. Throughout the whole day, I was forcing my tears back at the thought that I won't be near my mom for the next three weeks. Being at home without my mom will be so different. She seriously held this place together and I don't know how she does it. I'd hug her and just want to burst out in tears but I knew it wasn't the time to cry just yet. I woke up at 8:30 to accompany my parents to my mom's work. There she had talked to her boss and HR to ask how long she can get off due to a family emergency. Thankfully, they gave her 3 weeks off. My parents and I always fly together so tonight was the first night she flew alone. I was really worried because my dad is usually the one handling all our passports, papers, cargo, etc. so I hoped my mom was okay. Compared to our usual visits, she packed a lot lighter than usual (probably since everything was so last minute and we didn't have time to buy gifts for everyone else there).

From my last post, they did decide to undergo surgery and as soon as it was over, things seemed great. Everyone was excited that she could be going home soon--but that wasn't the case. After a couple hours, her gallbladder clogged up and after speaking to the doctor, he said things are critical. That was pretty much the push my mom got to spark up her last minute need to go to the Philippines the next day. It sucks to think about it because my family and I planned to come home in December to visit everyone for a good two weeks, but now that our budget is so tight and that my mom already left tonight, those plans are canceled. We had so many plans that I looked forward to. From Christmas caroling, island hopping, and handing out care packages to the less fortunate--I'm really sad that I won't be able to see this happening soon.

I downloaded the Viber app to talk to my mom other than through Skype and I'm excited to try it out once she get's there. It took us the longest time to say goodbye to each other even when it was through text while she was boarding the plane. Then as we were driving back home, my mom calls us and that's when we all pretty much started crying hard. As soon as I got home I went straight to the restroom to cry and I was having the hardest time breathing. It's just hard imagine someone I love in the hospital and me not being able to physically be there and it's also hard knowing I won't be seeing my mom around the house for a couple of weeks. I seriously just want to cry until my mom gets back.

Charlene

Despite a family member's sickness, the already present stress of school, I'm really thankful for those who are in my life.

A lot has been on my mind lately. The family member mentioned in my last post is going into surgery today and I just pray that they have the strength to fight through this surgery. I hope that everything will be okay and that we can visit them soon. I hope that my mom is staying strong and positive. I know that she needs my dad and I the most right now so it's important for me to sacrifice some things to help her out. College is the common stress-starter but how can you not stress over school? There's just so much going on with what I need to take before I transfer, what I need, what I have to do, who I need to contact, what I need to write, where the hell I'm going, etc. My family's financial standing and how helpless I feel that I can't do anything to help them because they aren't letting me get a job… and so on.

But other than what's been bothering me, for the most part I'm staying as positive as I can. The last couple days I've been pretty happy and on some crazy high. I really do believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason and I'm just so blessed to have those in my life be in it. With me are great people in their own ways who help take my mind off of the hardships and I really need that. Being with my friends is such a great escape from the troubles. Friends that make me laugh, cry from laughing, and friends that I can just honestly be myself around. Those are the people in my life who I love so much. They're so accepting, patient, funny, understanding, etc. With them I honestly feel nothing else but pure happiness. It's upsetting to think that some people aren't experiencing this natural high. Also, it's upsetting to think that one day I might no longer feel this way. The bond with the youth from church is so great. I love being with everyone, I love simple car talks with Lauren, I love the jokes we all share with each other. I love how they make me feel welcomed. My best friends, they're just so great. We're always laughing, dancing around, and just talking. I love how I can call them up once I get home from a crazy good day to just talk about how I feel. I love that they can laugh along with me and that we agree with most things. I love that they're so close by, I love that they're a phone call away, & a doorbell away. I can tell them anything. I'm am honestly so blessed and fine with who is in my life today. As of this very moment, they're all I need. I don't need to bring back old friends who I had a rough ending with. There's no need to revive my trust with those who took advantage of it, and so on. I just really wanted to write tonight even with a lot of hw on my plate right now and the fact that I still need to study for a test I have tomorrow (technically today). Tonight I hung out with the youth at Boiling Crab & MJ Cafe & Teahouse. I was just so happy. You know how you have those people you hang with and you're loud as heck but you really just don't care what others think cause you're happy and you're having fun? That's how I always feel with the youth. My friends are all amazing & unique.

Charlene

Sudden Halt

August 25, 2014 was the first day of my sophomore year in college and so far things are not too bad. I got what I expected though--a lot of memorization and studying. Not like I had a big social life to begin with, but my mind is focused on my studies and trying to actually learn what I'm paying for so I can apply it to my daily life. I'm not as shy as I was last year in class. Now I'm able to make conversation with strangers around me without making too much of a fool of myself. School-wise, things are going steady. I'm especially enjoying my Psychology (Biological Psych) & Biology (Humans & the Environment) classes. Not only because of the subjects themselves, but the professors really seem to love what they do. They add passion to their lectures which makes things more interesting and actually keeps me attentive and alert. Unlike my English class… I swear it's more of a snooze session in there. My other classes are okay, hopefully my excitement for them builds up later on. I'm sadly (not really, tbh) dropping my Human Geography class. I'll go into more detail about it later.

I wasn't really planning on writing until my whole first week was over, but I couldn't help myself. I know this topic may be a bit too personal so I'll leave some parts out. A very close family member of mine was diagnosed with colon cancer a couple years back but doctors were able to remove the cancer while it was in stage two. I remember actually seeing the tumor in person. My family was thrilled that things were going to be okay. But lately, things haven't been looking up. They started to feel pain in their body once more and had the same symptoms as last time. Once results from the tests were returned, the doctors told my family that the cancer has returned. This time they aren't too sure of the stage because the patient is not strong enough to undergo surgery. I'll leave it at that. I am so fearful to lose another loved one. I am so upset that I am in another country so I cannot visit them when I really want to. I can no longer easily get called off from school due to a family emergency. I know they need money so that's why I think dropping this Human Geography class is beneficial. I will be getting a couple hundreds back instead of spending more. I've been crying since 6 o'clock and my eyes are extremely puffy. I didn't expect posting a sad post this soon on my blog.

Situations like these remind me to always cherish my time with those whom I love because our life can be taken from us when we least expect it. To always make time for them to make beautiful memories that will live with us forever. I am grateful to have gotten close to who I am close with now. But I honestly don't know how I'd survive without my parents. The thought of it brings me to tears because I don't want to lose them. I can't accept that death is inevitable. I can't accept being away from them. I can't accept the fact that I can't physically be with them one day. It scares me so much to think that this life that I am so comfortable living with right now can change any day. It terrifies me that I might not know what to do. I might not know who to trust, who to let in, etc. I fear I might grow strong hate inside of me because I couldn't do anything. If I could, I'm scared I'd beat myself up for not doing enough. I'm scared I won't make anything of myself once I grow older. I'm so terrified. I'm scared of letting my mom travel without me or my dad. I'm scared of them just going to work. I'm willing to accept that change happens but at the same time when it's a lifestyle-ish change--I just can't get my thoughts right because my heart is beating so fast and tears are rushing down my cheeks. I'm willing to change as a person and I know that everyone changes and that change can sometimes be good, but I'm not willing to change how I do things when the ones I love aren't around. Ugh, I can't explain it.

Charlene

Cheers To The Summer Air

As hard as it is to admit my summer is coming to an end, it is time to face the reality of sleepless college nights once more. I'm currently sitting on a full stomach with In-N-Out inside of me, listening to 'If I Stay''s soundtrack, in my kitchen. I've always heard great things about Spotify, so I finally downloaded it and made an account. What angered me was RIGHT when I made the account, I tried to log in and it said my username or password was incorrect. I pretty much used the same information I use for Pandora. When signing in Spotify online, it let me log in to see my account information but when I try to actually listen to music, it says my information is invalid. I wasted a good half hour only to boil my blood. So I guess I'm sticking to Pandora, iTunes, and trusty ol' Youtube for music.

Anyways, today was my last Saturday before school starts. Crazy how I'm already entering my second year of college! I feels like graduation just happened last month. Honestly pretty nervous of how I'm going to maintain my grades this semester with all the things I have on my plate. Just trying to transfer already, y'know? Well, even though I had a good 4 (including the week before summer school) weeks of a summer vacation, I'm honestly feeling so drained. Besides the normal fall and spring semesters, I went ahead and did winter and summer courses as well. I'm constantly tired and I can't stress how insecure I am of my dark circles and eye bags. My dark circles are half hereditary and half lack of sleep. I don't mind taking extra classes during my supposed-to-be vacations because those vacations feel too long and I feel like I'm just wasting time. I complain about not sleeping, studying, etc. but I really do try to do my best in what I do now. I've become so strict with myself once I saw I finally had potential in doing well in school. Sadly, this didn't kick in until college but better late than never. In high school I honestly didn't care about what grade I got as long as I "still learned something". But looking back at it, my carelessness set me far back and I wish I gave a crap earlier. Now knowing that I can be so much more than I drew myself as in high school, I push myself because I know if I stay comfortable I will not get far. You must explore your capabilities to find the great potential you have to offer to others. I must constantly push myself and try to new things, strategies, and what not. What pisses me off is that I gained the Freshman 15 and I'm not doing anything about it, haha! Thankfully (I guess), my school requires some sort of physical education as a G.E requirement so I chose to do pilates. I really need to push myself to start losing weight instead of constantly complaining about myself when I see my reflection.

So being my last Saturday of break, I went to Balboa Beach with the youth from camp as a reunion and it was fun. While almost everyone went biking, I stayed behind with Matt to catch up and talk about things. I had my back faced against the sun and I sat for a good 2 hours and got a gnarly sunburn and tan from it. It's painful and ugly. Guess it's time to give my body a good scrub. (Currently listening to Just a Habit-Low Roar and I feel so good). The talk with Matt was good. He admitted that he was surprised out of my cousins (because we've pretty much grew up together within the past 7 years) I became most involved in the church. Don't know how to feel about that but I honestly wouldn't have seen it as a surprise because my parents are so involved in the church so of course I will be too. I miss my cousins. I wish I could have celebrated at least a good weeks worth of being with all of them together again. It's sad having to face the truth of us all growing up. When we were younger, whenever we had family driving either up north or down south, we could always expect all the cousins to be reunited. But as we grew older, whenever the aunts and uncles would come to visit each other, there's always the absence of my cousins. Other than the younger male ones, I also want to see my girls again. We used to all be so close but sometimes I can't help but feel us drifting apart. I remember how happy we got whenever we got complimented at how close we were to each other. But everyone's pretty much doing their own thing now and I really do miss them a lot.

Growing up is obviously inevitable but it can either bring you closer or further away from people. But it also means learning from our pasts and being open to different ways things can turn out. Throughout high school, everyone was so certain they met who their real friends are, but it's all about who'll be there for you no matter what. What happens in high school may possibly follow you throughout college  and later on in life especially if you're really social. You'll be meeting new people whom you may feel as close with as some of those you felt close with in high school. It's honestly a cycle if you think about it. You think gossiping and immaturity ends once you step past the gates of your high school in your cap and gowns? Everyone is different. Some mature faster than others, but some will still want to talk about every detail of your life. Some get their lives figured out earlier than others and change to be a better person. And that is honestly something I need to learn to accept without getting upset about how someone carries themselves in situations like not taking their education seriously and who waste time doing other things and who have, in a way, lost their morals. Just because I have a clearer vision of what I want to do doesn't mean the person next to me does. And it's hard to help someone who doesn't want the help to begin with. Change, growth, distance, etc. is all in a tiny box at our doorsteps.

Charlene

New Beginnings

Hello!

I've been on blogspot for 6 years now, but I have decided to publicize a new blog because my old account is filled with personal information. Information that I am not willing to openly share. I continued to write on that blog because I figured the people who followed me on that account no longer use blogspot anymore.

I moved onto Tumblr for a while, but I rarely write on there and instead reblog what interests me. I do keep around a journal that I update every now and then, but I wanted to make a blog where I am able to share my experiences to whoever is interested.

I'll be sharing some things I have learned with my walk with God, music that captivates me, some trails, and to new beginnings. I am a Christian and although I am far from perfect, there are a few things I have given up lately to become more Christ-like. Old habits are slowly being put aside to allow me to become a better, happier person. What I have learned is that being a Christian is not easy. Through this walk with God, I will be facing many trails and tribulations that will try and stray me away from my beliefs, tempting me in various ways. I will not always be happy but I know it is normal to feel defeated once in a while. So in this blog, I will also be sharing some struggles in my life but I will always try to pick myself back up.

It is not always a bright sunshine in our lives. Some days will be flooded by rain, but the beauty is always the rainbow after the rain. I keep that in my mind because there will always be something beautiful as a result to hardships that we encounter in our lives. It is important to try to be as positive as possible. My pastor reminds the congregation that we must be a blessing to others. When I reflect back on my life, I admit I have wronged many people and as much as I would like to apologize, there is something in the back of my head telling me I'd be wasting my time and that I don't deserve to come back in their lives. When it comes to bible studies, I am willing to pick friends up who need a ride because I want them to experience the joy from bible studies. In my Child Development class, my professor explained to the class how it was important for a child to have some sort of belief system because it resembles a set of rules that are needed to follow. It didn't matter if the family was Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Mormon, etc. as long as they had something in their lives to teach them morals. So I am honestly very blessed to be raised in a family like mine. My parents honestly know what's best for me. Growing up I wanted to constantly rebel and had to put on a mask at church, but as I became closer to God, I learned that doing so brought me no where. Why pretend to be someone I'm not? I was titled positions in our church because no one else stood up to take responsibility. I never took it seriously when I was younger. Thankfully, as I grew I learned to put aside partying and bad habits. I've had plenty of eye opening situations that made me want to grow up. Also, as soon as I graduated, I grew very tired of the partying phase. I didn't find the joy I used to when I was a young sophomore in high school. But, I am completely okay with that because I am closer to God than I have ever been in my 18 (almost 19, please hurry up September) years of life. I am blessed with so many things that I sometimes am blinded by, but as soon as I take a step back from reality, I am filled with great awe to see what I have in my life.

Today, Erica and I had a spontaneous outing to Chino Hills to watch "If I Stay". It was released today and I must admit, the movie was great! I feel like everyone in the room was in tears, especially during the scene of the grandfather and Mia. I would watch the movie again if I could. The soundtrack was beautiful as well!


Ben Howard-Promise

Beautiful song. Feel free to check out the rest of the soundtrack from the movie! Or just watch the movie if you can!

Charlene