The pain is still there.

It's lingering.

The sadness comes in waves.

My body goes numb.

I'm really sad. I really miss her.

The loss is hitting me hard.

I wish I had someone with me...

To hold me and just be in the moment with.

I want to cry but what's the use?

We can't bring her back.

I long for the nights she visits me in my sleep...

To be with her for another day.

Jasmine Nicolle Lopez Chan

Written April 17, 2020 @ 3:01 am

My heart is heavy today.

I need to go back home. 

I refuse to accept this reality. I keep telling myself to stop crying because this isn’t real. I’m just in another nightmare. I’m going to wake up from this soon. 

It’s going to take a while for me to wrap my head around this. It’s so hard not to question God why you? Why both you and Nathan? But I know we shouldn’t question the Lord and instead trust in his timing. I am replaying all our memories in my head. From when you moved in with me in elementary school while your fam was still in Norcal and my mom would tell us not to shower together before school and one time we did and broke the shower curtain and got in trouble, to when you would make a face and scare me when I turned around, to all our high school mischief, and all the memories we made as young adults navigating this world. We did some crazy shit and I’m so glad we did because they make some fun ass stories. You helped me get comfortable going to the gym and showed me how to use machines that were intimidating to me so I didn’t look like a fool whenever I went on my own. I always looked forward to our talks in the sauna and laughing at how red we get when working out. When I was home in February we tried to plan going to the gym 3x but never went and instead took Lali out for sushi and played Mario Kart at my house. I’m so glad I got to spend time with you to what I didn’t know would be my last time on March 3, 2020. 

There was so much in store for you and Nathan. You two got engaged in January of this year and this April would have been your 9 year anniversary. When I look at everything I’m so thankful that our family as a whole was able to get close at the end of 2019. Our family gatherings felt more complete when we had more of the fam celebrate the holidays with us. You brought Nathan to Thanksgiving last year and in 2018 and everyone was just taking shots. I’m glad he came again for Christmas Eve and he got closer to our family too and played more games with us than he did the year before. I am also glad we did the family circle at the end of all the games to talk about what we were thankful for. I didn’t care if it was a thanksgiving activity, I knew we would all appreciate it. And I just think about last week how you texted us if anyone wanted to play Houseparty. I’m so glad the Jesses Angels were able to all hop on for a couple of hours. It was so fun and I was looking forward to more. I’m also thankful I was able to talk to you even for a little but last night because i had a song stuck in my head and I knew either you or Ate J would know what I was singing. The last thing you told me was “good luck” because I planned to drive back to CA on Sunday. 

God knows how much I miss you. You were a sister to me and not having you here with me hurts. I can’t imagine life without you. I know your spirit lives on and we will always feel your love even when you aren’t physically with us. I hope you and Nathan are  resting well. 4/16/2020