I am a human being.
I feel the same emotions that another feels.
I am not the strongest.
I have my own set of weaknesses.
I am a human being.
I am not a prize to be won.
I am human.

I am an individual who can only take in so much out of a certain situation. I am not invincible. I have my own set of limits. I am a human being for crying out loud! You cannot expect me to not feel sadness at a time like this. You cannot expect me to not feel guilty over this.
I do not know if this is what God is sending me as a test of faith for him, but I do know that I'm slowly losing grip. I am lost. I know what I want but I don't know what God wants for me. I do not know if this is a team effort of two people. If this is what God is putting us to the test with.
I do not know how long I can still stick around. I do not know if it's worth staying anymore. I don't know if I should give space in a time like this.

If I have to be honest, I was the happiest I've ever been. Things finally started falling into place and I knew it is incomparable to my past. I knew that it was not going to be the same anymore. That I can finally put my trust in someone without pushing them away like I always did. But lately I have been feeling such a heavy burden that has affected me in many ways. I am slowly growing tired. I'm growing impatient when I shouldn't be. But I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to believe in something that will only greatly hurt me in the end. I don't want to hold onto to something that will disappear soon. This is coming in all so fast.

But I do not know anymore. I hurt too. I feel like this all unnecessary and I just want it to end.
I am a human being.

5 am

First week into winter break and I'm loving it. Been pretty occupied with a lot of things (in a good way) and have been trying new things as well. I still sleep late, hence why this is titled 5 am. I guess I'm still set on that 6am sleep schedule I was on when class was still in session.

Winter break has been treating me well but I'm honestly so scared to check my grades. I feel like I'll break down into tears when I see my bio psych grade but at the same time I feel like I'll just say, "Screw it". Thinking about it stresses me out so much! I feel like I still need to kiss up to my professor for a good grade even though I know she'd never help me out. I just have to pray about it. I also need to start looking for facilities where I can volunteer at for my field of study. I've asked around with some family who care for a child with autism and they have recommended places for me to check out.

Sometimes I can't help but think about my future and just fear about it. I'm so scared that all the work I've been putting in will go to waste, that money and precious time will be wasted, and I'll be nothing but a disappointment. What if I study 8 years for something only to find out that in 15 years, I won't even be working within that field? That I'll be doing the complete opposite of it? Or what if I'm still in school trying to find out where I want to be? I hear a lot of people doubting me and as much as I would like to say I will prove them wrong, I'm starting to believe that I won't be good enough to do what I see myself doing today. There's just constant knocking on my brain asking what I'll do next. I honestly wish I had money to just drop everything and just travel the world, meet new people, help those less fortunate than I, etc. I want to make a difference during my lifetime NOW. Not only when I become a speech therapist, but I just want to help people out. I know I don't have much to offer, but I would really like to help with what I have.

I really miss my friends and I am so excited for us to be together again. Shivani is back from studying abroad but left for India a week after but I'm still glad I was able to see her before she left again. I'm so excited to see everyone else though! Slowly finding time to catch up with friends I was not able to hang out with during the semester and it makes me so happy to finally see them again. I didn't even realize it but I have so much planned this break. I'll be pretty occupied this short break. Just thinking about it, I only have 2 weeks left before I start school again.

The weather has been cooling down though. I'm very happy for weekly rainfall, for cool temperatures, and gloomy skies. Being able to layer up is so fun and I'm so happy about that.

It's 4 minutes till 6 so I should probably force myself to sleep since I have a long day ahead of me.

Charlene

Finals Week

The bittersweet end of a semester is finally here! I've been very busy with school and with church activities. We have exciting events coming up for the youth and I have heard some surprising news as well about what to look forward to with these festivities. My last final is on Wednesday and I think Michelle and I are trying to plan a trip down to LA to take some pictures.

With the free time I get before winter semester starts, I'm honestly going to try to take advantage of every moment. Whether it be taking the day off, pampering myself, and watching some films or just going out with friends and enjoying their company. I planned to try and reduce my time spent on social media just so I can breathe in the polluted air around me, haha! I want to focus working on photography, writing music, reading books, and meeting new people. It's something I have been craving to do throughout this whole semester. Now that the time will be given to me, it's a must I take advantage of it. Since I haven't been getting much sleep the past 16 weeks, I will admit that my bad temper rises up more than usual and I lose my patience easily. Sometimes I'm just too tired to interact because I didn't get any sleep the night before and it comes off as rude and snobby. But honestly, sometimes I take a step back and wonder why I put more than I can handle on my plate sometimes. I'm highly involved in school and church--I mean, I don't mind it because those are some of my top priorities but now I'm helping my cousin plan a New Years party for the family. I know three things don't seem too much from this perspective, but if you knew the things I did for each thing I'm pretty sure you'll understand it a little more. I don't have time to do what I want to do and it makes me sad. I have bought books to read but  couldn't find time to just sit back and read. I listen to music that inspires me to write a song, but I have to put it aside because I need to write a 10 page paper. I want to go out and see new things but I have to stay home and study for this exam. Can't go out with friends that day because I need to go to a meeting. And it goes on. This is why I hope this winter break is not filled with my face planted on my phone or laptop the whole time. I want to take plenty of time for myself, catch up with friends, anything. I don't even mind if my friends and I are in a room with nothing planned as long as we're within each others company. I miss my friends. I haven't seen some of them in so long because schedules don't align.

God bless everyone taking finials within the next two weeks!
Study hard, stay positive, and finish strong!