This quarter was no joke. Balancing my mental health with the load of my classes was so hard. I don't know how the hell I got through this but I know I didn't get through it alone. I feel like many nights were hard for me because I felt as though I was alone. I needed some sort of physical comfort, some reassurance, some guidance... but at the same time I didn't want to tell anyone about the battles that went on through my head. I did have my friends who always offered company but I was scared to bother them about it and waste their time because I know they are busy too. I couldn't go to my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me. I'm so thankful I have John. He always gave me pep talks, listened to me, and although it wasn't physical, he still comforted me. There were so many times I had to stop myself because I didn't want to bother him anymore. I felt like everything I felt was just a constant cycle and I didn't want it to rub off on him. I did get some professional help since coming back to school in January and its honestly helped me. I've had to learn to remind myself of the choice I've made to move on from the pain I've held onto for the past couple years. I've learned how write out how I feel and I've started journaling again. Journaling helped a ton but once the school work piled up, it was hard for me to write that day. The balance between school and my mental health was weird. Some days the work load distracted me from my depression but sometimes my depression kept me from studying. There were so many mornings where I. just. wanted. to. stay. home. But one of my friends always texted me to "just go" and that honestly just pushed me to get up and "just go". In January we had an exam every single week and I had to sacrifice studying for some classes to make up for my first cognition grade. I studied cognition for 4 hours everyday and up to 8 hours the week before the midterm. Studied my ass off and still got a B but it brought my grade up a lot and by the time it was finals, I bumped up my overall grade to a B so I am still proud of myself for that.
I need to learn how to give myself credit. I know I am not a proficient test taker and I think that's why my anxiety peaks before exams. It is so hard for me to score an A on written exams but put me in a practical and I'll ace it. I can verbally recite the lecture slides and it clearly shows I understand the concepts but put it on a timed exam and I will definitely freak. I hear my classmates stressed they didn't get an A and here I am proud as hell with myself for PASSING. Granted I do still wish my grades were better but 12 exams and 7 classes in 10 weeks ON TOP of being depressed 75% of those days? I HAVE to pat myself on the back for that. I'm proud of the progress I've made mentally though but I don't know if it's also because the sun has been coming through more, haha. The days are better in terms of I don't feel worthless and I don't feel like killing myself anymore. But by no means does that mean I don't get those thoughts anymore because they are still alive but they've been happening less.
This quarter was mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. We had our first round of fieldwork and I was placed in a recovery center and we worked with people who had mental illnesses to work on photovoices together. My partner and I kind of just gravitated towards each other on my first day. We connected by talking about Van Gogh, movies, and music. When everyone was trying to find partners he was already telling people I would be his. I was scared he was going to forget the next week but he didn't! Just at the end of our first day meeting he told everyone that he liked that I was able to see past his schizophrenia, his mania, and his narcissism. And on the day of our photo voice presentation 5 weeks later he told a room of 100 people how he was so thankful to work with me because I helped him find confidence within himself. On the day of the photo voice he also handed me a letter starting with "Hi Five" because that's how we always greeted each other. He told me I better graduate from the school because he'd be there for my graduation. It's times like that where I just have to remind myself that this is why I'm here. This is why I'm in Occupational Therapy school. I'm here to make a difference in others lives while they make an impact in mine as well. School is tough but at the end of the day this is something I am truly passionate about and want to be the best therapist I can be. Everything I am doing right now is for my future. The time is going by so fast and we'll be starting our spring quarter in less than 2 weeks and once that quarter is over we'll be considered OT2s!
Also earlier this month I was able to partake in the opportunity to meet OT interviewees during lunch to talk about the school and its crazy how a year ago I was in their shoes too. So much has happened within a year and it is so amazing to see myself here and being able to call myself an Occupational Therapy student! I love what I do and am excited for what I will do in the future. The present is hard but I try my best to be positive and hopeful for the future. Next quarter I will be doing my fieldwork in a Neuro-Rehab clinic in Phoenix and supposedly it's a really great site in Arizona so I feel like the stakes are high and am so nervous because neuro was TOUGH for me (also I got an 88 on the final which I am SO shocked over since I walked out of the exam teary eyed because I felt like I blanked out and didn't know anything even after studying my ass off for it) but I should be hopeful. Patiently waiting for my psychosocial grade but I hope I passed so I can officially celebrate.
But nonetheless... good job Char.
