I've had issues with my body for the past couple years and I have yet to find acceptance with it. I look at myself in the mirror and get so disgusted with myself. I am currently on a 23 day streak of working out and burning over 500 active calories a day and the last 4 days I've challenged myself to hit 700 with one day being 800. Prior to the 23 day streak I had an 8 day streak but broke it because I was drained from school. I've been upping my vegetable intake but I know I'm probably having a hard time losing fat because I still eat carbs but it's so hard to leave the house because of this pandemic and I fear even just going out to the grocery store regularly to keep up with fresh foods so I end up eating noodles or something frozen like hot pockets. I am honestly starting to notice an obsession with my calorie burn and I need to take a step back and not be too hard on myself because I do not want this developing into something unhealthy. I know I need to up my protein intake and I need to lift but I have no weights at home so I've been doing weightless work outs. Currently doing boxing everyday for at least 30 minutes and because of this 700 cal challenge I'll bump it up to 70 minutes a day. I know my face is slimming down but the rest of my body isn't. Sometimes there are days where I feel like my arms are slimmer and my stomach is more lean but then I put on clothes other than my baggy usuals and I get disgusted with what I see. I hate how I look in the mirror, in front cameras, on my webcam... I literally hate my body.

Social media has also ruined my body image and self esteem because it seems like all these girls have the same body types. 0 waist, B cup, nice waists, thin legs and arms and I'm here feeling comfortable in shirts 1-2 sizes larger. I look at myself in the mirror and I want to cry every single day. I plan to get off birth control to see if I can lose a good amount of weight without it. I started a new pill this month and I feel like it's making me bloated and extra fatigued so I have to break my workouts up because I feel like napping. I also at the same time can't fucking go to sleep. I toss and turn until 3 in the morning.

I don't know how to love myself. I look at myself and feel disgusted and I am ashamed and embarrassed to be around others because everyone looks so good and I just have rolls everywhere. For a while I felt really encouraged with my progress and discipline of working out everyday but the moment I put on "regular" clothes I just see all my insecurities bleed through. I don't like going out in public, I don't like being seen, I don't like going to family events because Filipino's are so harsh with weight, I know I'm talked about and compared to my old skinny self. I'm so aware of these things. I miss my old body. I can't learn to love myself in the skin I'm in. I don't feel beautiful.

I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm not slim enough.
I'm not worth it.