My Demise

It's starting again. It's been back for a good week or two. But the past two days it's hit bad again. I feel anxious, numb, insecure, sad, all at once. I'm looking forward to John's birthday but it's not until the end of October. 

Prepare yourself for a vent session that has no sense of organization or structure. 

I'm holding my tears back as I type this. Things are definitely getting bad again. I have 0 motivation and a new quarter of school just started. I lose myself in times like this and ask the same questions. Why am I like this? Why can't I get over it? Why am I still here? What am I fighting for? I hate that I always have an urge to be liked. I need to make sure I'm always in good terms with people. If someone doesn't like me, I start to overthink and panic and try to come up with ways for them to like me. Why can't I just accept that not everyone will like me in the same way that I don't like everyone? Why do I always feel this need to prove myself to people? It always leads to disappointment when I don't meet the standards of other people. Why do I keep having to compare myself to people? I'm friends with people that everyone likes and I get sad when someone likes them but doesn't like me. Why do I feel like I need to be quiet about my beliefs in order to be liked? Why can't I accept things for the way they are...

I overthink about my art and feel like a novice and unworthy to go anywhere with my art. I feel like my art is so basic and everyone around me is so artistic and are so well in their craft and I feel like I've been in the same place for years. I get bursts of inspiration and motivation then it gets wiped out in a blink of an eye. 

I feel unmotivated to keep up with my friendships with people but at the same time have such a strong desire to be in touch with everyone. My energy levels are just so low. Why do I keep comparing myself to others? Why am I so insecure with myself and what I have to offer? Do I even have anything to offer? Does anyone ever look at me and say: Hey I want to be friends with her. She seems like someone I'd like to be friends with. 

I feel fucking shitty about myself. I feel so ugly. I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I'm letting myself go again. I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel like crying at least twice a day. I never know who to talk to. I'm lazy to even schedule meeting with a therapist. Being in AZ again feeds into my unhealthy habit of staying in bed all day because I have no one telling me to get up. I can't just hit my friends up to go out and hang out in the middle of a fucking pandemic. I'm always scared and I'm always anxious to do things alone or to try new things. This whole day I kept asking myself: who'd even care about me if I was gone? Things would just be so much better if I wasn't around anymore. Imagine all the things I wouldn't have to worry about anymore if I wasn't here. How much less of a burden I'd be to people? I know I'm selfish for feeling and thinking this way. 

Just broke down in tears and Muppy and Spot rushed to comfort me at my bed. Spotty rarely comes to the head board area and stays at my feet but today he and Muppy laid right next to my head so I could pet them. I love them so much. The moment they heard me cry they rushed over. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them out here alone. 

September is Suicide Awareness Month. I hate that I feel this way and I wish it was so easy as to just turn it off. It's hard after losing someone to suicide and then feeling selfish for feeling how I feel after seeing the effect it had with someone else. I can't put it into words but its like I feel like I don't have a right to feel this way but at the same time I know I shouldn't feel this way and that I know it's something I don't deserve to feel either? I don't think any of that makes sense. I don't know what to do with the rest of my day. I'll probably just lay in bed and put a movie on after I feed the boys their dinner.