I wish I had spent more of my 20s living as carefree as I did in high school. I wish I had spent these past years (damn I turn 26 tomorrow), living unapologetically and putting myself and my happiness first. Not saying the days were wasted but I wish I lived more in the present as I've been living ever since moving out. I fear that being back home will keep me cooped up in my room again. If only this damn pandemic was gone, I'd probably have a much more organized schedule and a nice healthy routine for myself. I've now started my last rotation, it's a little weird but because of it's weirdness, it's what makes it laid back and chill. I wish there were more things I could do but I'm only 3 days in, who knows what will be added in the weeks to come. I wish I had more opportunities to explore. I wish I wasn't so fearful of everything, wish I didn't live my days buried under anxiety, wish I loved myself and my body more... wish I looked better, wished I was better, etc. I think this is why I look forward to being officially moved out and being able to live on my own accord. Going where I am to go, wearing what I want to wear, eating better (although I am so grateful for my mom feeding me lol), being in my own solitude if I wanted to, and just having any necessary space and solitude. 

I hope to continue to find ways to be happy with being alone, heal my inner self, take risks, make friends, and explore during 26. I think I deserve this and I owe it to myself to find joy in my life again. 

Cheers. 

C

Aug 17 [[draft]]

I am 9 days away from graduating. 60% of my apartment has been cleaned out, brought back to CA, or has been sold. I can't help but sit in the center of my living room floor and just taking in the silence of having my own space. My mental health was still pretty shitty throughout 2020 but I can't deny that being away from home has also helped me be better at coping with my thoughts. I need these days of not having to open my mouth to talk to anyone. I need the space available to be sad and cry things out if I need to. I have so much appreciation for this chapter in my life that has helped me reconnect with myself and to challenge myself to get to know who I am. To learn what I need, what I want, and what I deserve. I am so thankful for the things I've learned how to do since moving out on my own. I am thankful for a space big enough to dance freely around, to cry in peace, and to create memories in. With the few days I have left here, I am soaking in everything about it. Not having to hear fireworks in the middle of the night like I do back home, that's for sure. As much as I'd like to write more about how much I love my apartment and the past 2 years being away from home, that's not really the reason I've decided to pick my laptop up and write at 2 in the morning. 

It's really draining being constantly stressed and anxious over the smallest of things and not feeling in control. I need that stability but a request such as that is unrealistic. I feel like I need to constantly be busy but I am also so drained. I have all these things planned for the next 2 weeks and I literally will only have 2 days to myself. 2 days. I am also feeling another wave of sadness but it's probably more because I am closing this chapter in my life I once was so anxious about. Before writing this post, I had looked back and read my posts about being rejected to a bunch of OT programs, being scared of long distance working out, being stressed and anxious about school, etc. It's so crazy how life works and how important it is to trust in God and His plan for us.