The End of a Decade

I looked through my photo album on Facebook and was only able to date back to 2010 with one picture from 8th grade in 2008/9. I felt a rush of sadness looking through them because I saw how happy I was. I see a picture and remember parts of that day, who I was with, and just how excited I was with life. Everyday was a bright new day and I was full of optimism and everything felt carefree. I lived a great life. Then a couple nights ago I read through my journals and read through the days where I felt heartbroken, scared, and happy. Despite all that, I knew the good outweighed the bad. My friends were great and although our group of 9 slowly shrunk down to 4, I miss them all. I feel like I was able to bounce back much faster before.

Sadly as I've grown older, the happiness I once had within me began to diminish. Everyday I grew less motivated, less thankful, and less optimistic. I wish I could say why but I don't know what's happened to me. Here I am in my room with the lights off at 3pm on New Years Eve feeling depressed and suicidal. There's a party my mom's hosting tonight and the thought of having to go out bothers me. I don't want to leave my room. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm just holding in my tears. I wish I could go into the new year and literally leave all this baggage in 2019 but the sad reality is that I can't do that. My chest feels heavy, my heart hurts, and it's getting hard to breathe normally. I fucking hate this. Mom wants to take a family picture in front of the tree since she was working on Christmas Eve and I'm not in the mood to even get ready and put on a face of make up. Might just wear a dress and keep my glasses on.

I wish I didn't have to make such a sad post to end the decade but this is reality. This is what it is. I'm praying I can look back at this post in a much better headspace and be proud of how far I've come. I'm going to try a lot harder for myself in 2020. I'm going to continue to push through the hard days and remind myself I deserve to live and I deserve to see the light at the end of this tunnel. And for whoever the consistent viewers I have on this blog, I hope you all have a great year ahead and thank you for following me through this journey. I plan to write more and I hope to get better. I can't let this beat me. I'm getting help. I'm working on myself in 2020. I'm going to fight for myself and learn to love myself more and figure out how the hell to become happy all over again. It's hard pushing through the days alone especially out in Arizona when my best friends and John aren't a text away to come over and spend time with me but I love the comfort of being alone to just cry without worrying my parents at the house. I don't want them to see me like this and I don't want to worry them and blame themselves or anything.

I've learned a lot within the past 10 years. From 2009-2013 I've learned to just live life and not worry about what others think of you. You're young once, enjoy that shit while you can. But with such enjoyment also comes with responsibility. I've learned how to drive, pump gas, deposit and withdraw money from the bank, how to save money, my love for art and writing, and how to cook rice between this time! From 2013-2016 I've learned how to drive on the freeway. I've learned about going to concerts early if I wanted a good spot close to the stage (I don't think 24 me can do this anymore). I've learned to have fun but also literally get my shit together if I want to go anywhere with life. I feel like I was in limbo with what I wanted to do and what I wanted to accomplish but I knew I wanted to make something out of myself. I set aside the more wilder side of me and tamed myself and had to discipline myself to focus on my studies. I ignored my high school classmates who were going to UC's and Ivy Leagues and just focused on my journey. I've lost some friendships through this but it's just the reality of growing up and taking on our own paths. I've learned to stand up for the ones I love and to be there no matter what if they need me. I've stepped up within my own faith and became a youth leader and help coordinate camps and even had my own spiritual life change. I've continued to experience heartbreak within this period but I've also learned how to love like I've never had before. I began to learn how to be vulnerable and communicate my problems and learned about who I am as a partner. From 2016-2019 I finally learned how to do my own laundry since my mom always insisted she do it herself. I've learned about compromise and how to work as a team. I'm not perfect but I've learned to be patient with myself during my process of growth. I've sadly started to lose myself within this time frame but I've also learned about who cares for me and that you know what? Maybe someone does give a damn about me. If they won't give up on me why should I give up on myself? I've experienced multiple losses within this time and have even lost a big chunk of myself. I've learned about what sacrifice and hard work can lead to and was able to graduate with my Bachelor's Degree and get accepted into a graduate school with a field I am crazy passionate about. I don't see myself doing any other profession. Between 2017-2019, my mental health slowly declined and 2019 was what hit hard the most. I've yet to learn how to cope with my anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts but just typing this out helped me see what I've been through.

Here's to the start of the new decade. Some things I'm looking forward to within the next 10 years is graduating with a Masters Degree in Occupational Therapy, moving back to California, working and actually making my own big girl money, hopefully settle in with John, and who knows... maybe start a family. I'm looking forward to making more memories with the people I love and travel with my best friends. I'm looking forward to getting used to heat and cooking and eating temperature hot foods haha. I'm looking forward to just all the new doors that can open that I today wouldn't be able to think about for myself. I'm looking forward to 10 years from now where I can look back at this post and give myself a pat on the back for getting this far in my life. 10 years from now I'll be 34 years old... holy shit.


Cheers. I'm rooting for you.
-C

There have been so many times this year where I never felt worthy of love and to be loved

Did not feel worthy to be wanted... Did not feel wanted at all

I’ve been broken and this rearrangement is a difficult and painful process

I have lost myself in the cracks and cannot find all the pieces of me that have gone missing

I am different than I was last year 

There are parts of me I will never get back and the person I’ve become today will never be who I was before

I am bruised and I am damaged and have the hardest time reminding myself I am still worthy of love 

I look at myself in the mirror and wish I was no more

I look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but a monster waiting to die

I have the hardest time telling myself that I deserve to live and I have the hardest time accepting the shots fired at me 

I do not know God’s plan in my life. I do not know the path He has for me. I do not know His purpose for these bruises and scars

I must learn to love myself again so I can stop begging others for love 

I must learn to love myself again so I don’t depend on the validation of others

I must learn to love myself again so I can stop hurting the people I don’t want to lose

I must learn to love myself again so I can stop being a burden 

But no matter how hard life gets for me

No matter how hard it is to keep going 

I must work to become a better me

I must be patient with this process 

In order to fill the cracks of my missing pieces

And rediscover myself 

I feel broken.

I feel like it's so hard for me to trust people especially those who've already done me wrong. If they've done me wrong and continue to lie to my face that just shows no respect towards me. You can't say you're sorry and you want to do better but don't even attempt on doing better. Someone can say they want a future with you but don't do anything to keep the relationship strong. No changed action, to attempt to change, no will to do better not only for themselves but for their partner. When I think of relationships I think of team effort not a one sided job. It takes two to work things out and it takes two to continue to nurture and grow the relationship. How do you expect to have a strong relationship when you can't even be honest? That goes for any friendship. I feel like every time I meet someone now I just assume they're lying to me. My love and trust for people has been tainted. I've grown so angry with the world because I feel like I can never get what I give out. I've grown so angry because I'm sick and tired of trying to learn how to retrust someone only to catch them in another lie. Big or small a lie is a lie. If you claim you love someone and you've hurt them and lied to them then you better do whatever it takes to win their trust back if you truly care about them and what you two have going on. Listen to them, ask what you need to do, and try and change. Show effort. Please show some fucking effort. Take the relationship seriously and don't take another chance for granted.