August 25, 2014 was the first day of my sophomore year in college and so far things are not too bad. I got what I expected though--a lot of memorization and studying. Not like I had a big social life to begin with, but my mind is focused on my studies and trying to actually learn what I'm paying for so I can apply it to my daily life. I'm not as shy as I was last year in class. Now I'm able to make conversation with strangers around me without making too much of a fool of myself. School-wise, things are going steady. I'm especially enjoying my Psychology (Biological Psych) & Biology (Humans & the Environment) classes. Not only because of the subjects themselves, but the professors really seem to love what they do. They add passion to their lectures which makes things more interesting and actually keeps me attentive and alert. Unlike my English class… I swear it's more of a snooze session in there. My other classes are okay, hopefully my excitement for them builds up later on. I'm sadly (not really, tbh) dropping my Human Geography class. I'll go into more detail about it later.
I wasn't really planning on writing until my whole first week was over, but I couldn't help myself. I know this topic may be a bit too personal so I'll leave some parts out. A very close family member of mine was diagnosed with colon cancer a couple years back but doctors were able to remove the cancer while it was in stage two. I remember actually seeing the tumor in person. My family was thrilled that things were going to be okay. But lately, things haven't been looking up. They started to feel pain in their body once more and had the same symptoms as last time. Once results from the tests were returned, the doctors told my family that the cancer has returned. This time they aren't too sure of the stage because the patient is not strong enough to undergo surgery. I'll leave it at that. I am so fearful to lose another loved one. I am so upset that I am in another country so I cannot visit them when I really want to. I can no longer easily get called off from school due to a family emergency. I know they need money so that's why I think dropping this Human Geography class is beneficial. I will be getting a couple hundreds back instead of spending more. I've been crying since 6 o'clock and my eyes are extremely puffy. I didn't expect posting a sad post this soon on my blog.
Situations like these remind me to always cherish my time with those whom I love because our life can be taken from us when we least expect it. To always make time for them to make beautiful memories that will live with us forever. I am grateful to have gotten close to who I am close with now. But I honestly don't know how I'd survive without my parents. The thought of it brings me to tears because I don't want to lose them. I can't accept that death is inevitable. I can't accept being away from them. I can't accept the fact that I can't physically be with them one day. It scares me so much to think that this life that I am so comfortable living with right now can change any day. It terrifies me that I might not know what to do. I might not know who to trust, who to let in, etc. I fear I might grow strong hate inside of me because I couldn't do anything. If I could, I'm scared I'd beat myself up for not doing enough. I'm scared I won't make anything of myself once I grow older. I'm so terrified. I'm scared of letting my mom travel without me or my dad. I'm scared of them just going to work. I'm willing to accept that change happens but at the same time when it's a lifestyle-ish change--I just can't get my thoughts right because my heart is beating so fast and tears are rushing down my cheeks. I'm willing to change as a person and I know that everyone changes and that change can sometimes be good, but I'm not willing to change how I do things when the ones I love aren't around. Ugh, I can't explain it.
Charlene
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Cheers To The Summer Air
As hard as it is to admit my summer is coming to an end, it is time to face the reality of sleepless college nights once more. I'm currently sitting on a full stomach with In-N-Out inside of me, listening to 'If I Stay''s soundtrack, in my kitchen. I've always heard great things about Spotify, so I finally downloaded it and made an account. What angered me was RIGHT when I made the account, I tried to log in and it said my username or password was incorrect. I pretty much used the same information I use for Pandora. When signing in Spotify online, it let me log in to see my account information but when I try to actually listen to music, it says my information is invalid. I wasted a good half hour only to boil my blood. So I guess I'm sticking to Pandora, iTunes, and trusty ol' Youtube for music.
Anyways, today was my last Saturday before school starts. Crazy how I'm already entering my second year of college! I feels like graduation just happened last month. Honestly pretty nervous of how I'm going to maintain my grades this semester with all the things I have on my plate. Just trying to transfer already, y'know? Well, even though I had a good 4 (including the week before summer school) weeks of a summer vacation, I'm honestly feeling so drained. Besides the normal fall and spring semesters, I went ahead and did winter and summer courses as well. I'm constantly tired and I can't stress how insecure I am of my dark circles and eye bags. My dark circles are half hereditary and half lack of sleep. I don't mind taking extra classes during my supposed-to-be vacations because those vacations feel too long and I feel like I'm just wasting time. I complain about not sleeping, studying, etc. but I really do try to do my best in what I do now. I've become so strict with myself once I saw I finally had potential in doing well in school. Sadly, this didn't kick in until college but better late than never. In high school I honestly didn't care about what grade I got as long as I "still learned something". But looking back at it, my carelessness set me far back and I wish I gave a crap earlier. Now knowing that I can be so much more than I drew myself as in high school, I push myself because I know if I stay comfortable I will not get far. You must explore your capabilities to find the great potential you have to offer to others. I must constantly push myself and try to new things, strategies, and what not. What pisses me off is that I gained the Freshman 15 and I'm not doing anything about it, haha! Thankfully (I guess), my school requires some sort of physical education as a G.E requirement so I chose to do pilates. I really need to push myself to start losing weight instead of constantly complaining about myself when I see my reflection.
So being my last Saturday of break, I went to Balboa Beach with the youth from camp as a reunion and it was fun. While almost everyone went biking, I stayed behind with Matt to catch up and talk about things. I had my back faced against the sun and I sat for a good 2 hours and got a gnarly sunburn and tan from it. It's painful and ugly. Guess it's time to give my body a good scrub. (Currently listening to Just a Habit-Low Roar and I feel so good). The talk with Matt was good. He admitted that he was surprised out of my cousins (because we've pretty much grew up together within the past 7 years) I became most involved in the church. Don't know how to feel about that but I honestly wouldn't have seen it as a surprise because my parents are so involved in the church so of course I will be too. I miss my cousins. I wish I could have celebrated at least a good weeks worth of being with all of them together again. It's sad having to face the truth of us all growing up. When we were younger, whenever we had family driving either up north or down south, we could always expect all the cousins to be reunited. But as we grew older, whenever the aunts and uncles would come to visit each other, there's always the absence of my cousins. Other than the younger male ones, I also want to see my girls again. We used to all be so close but sometimes I can't help but feel us drifting apart. I remember how happy we got whenever we got complimented at how close we were to each other. But everyone's pretty much doing their own thing now and I really do miss them a lot.
Growing up is obviously inevitable but it can either bring you closer or further away from people. But it also means learning from our pasts and being open to different ways things can turn out. Throughout high school, everyone was so certain they met who their real friends are, but it's all about who'll be there for you no matter what. What happens in high school may possibly follow you throughout college and later on in life especially if you're really social. You'll be meeting new people whom you may feel as close with as some of those you felt close with in high school. It's honestly a cycle if you think about it. You think gossiping and immaturity ends once you step past the gates of your high school in your cap and gowns? Everyone is different. Some mature faster than others, but some will still want to talk about every detail of your life. Some get their lives figured out earlier than others and change to be a better person. And that is honestly something I need to learn to accept without getting upset about how someone carries themselves in situations like not taking their education seriously and who waste time doing other things and who have, in a way, lost their morals. Just because I have a clearer vision of what I want to do doesn't mean the person next to me does. And it's hard to help someone who doesn't want the help to begin with. Change, growth, distance, etc. is all in a tiny box at our doorsteps.
Charlene
Anyways, today was my last Saturday before school starts. Crazy how I'm already entering my second year of college! I feels like graduation just happened last month. Honestly pretty nervous of how I'm going to maintain my grades this semester with all the things I have on my plate. Just trying to transfer already, y'know? Well, even though I had a good 4 (including the week before summer school) weeks of a summer vacation, I'm honestly feeling so drained. Besides the normal fall and spring semesters, I went ahead and did winter and summer courses as well. I'm constantly tired and I can't stress how insecure I am of my dark circles and eye bags. My dark circles are half hereditary and half lack of sleep. I don't mind taking extra classes during my supposed-to-be vacations because those vacations feel too long and I feel like I'm just wasting time. I complain about not sleeping, studying, etc. but I really do try to do my best in what I do now. I've become so strict with myself once I saw I finally had potential in doing well in school. Sadly, this didn't kick in until college but better late than never. In high school I honestly didn't care about what grade I got as long as I "still learned something". But looking back at it, my carelessness set me far back and I wish I gave a crap earlier. Now knowing that I can be so much more than I drew myself as in high school, I push myself because I know if I stay comfortable I will not get far. You must explore your capabilities to find the great potential you have to offer to others. I must constantly push myself and try to new things, strategies, and what not. What pisses me off is that I gained the Freshman 15 and I'm not doing anything about it, haha! Thankfully (I guess), my school requires some sort of physical education as a G.E requirement so I chose to do pilates. I really need to push myself to start losing weight instead of constantly complaining about myself when I see my reflection.
So being my last Saturday of break, I went to Balboa Beach with the youth from camp as a reunion and it was fun. While almost everyone went biking, I stayed behind with Matt to catch up and talk about things. I had my back faced against the sun and I sat for a good 2 hours and got a gnarly sunburn and tan from it. It's painful and ugly. Guess it's time to give my body a good scrub. (Currently listening to Just a Habit-Low Roar and I feel so good). The talk with Matt was good. He admitted that he was surprised out of my cousins (because we've pretty much grew up together within the past 7 years) I became most involved in the church. Don't know how to feel about that but I honestly wouldn't have seen it as a surprise because my parents are so involved in the church so of course I will be too. I miss my cousins. I wish I could have celebrated at least a good weeks worth of being with all of them together again. It's sad having to face the truth of us all growing up. When we were younger, whenever we had family driving either up north or down south, we could always expect all the cousins to be reunited. But as we grew older, whenever the aunts and uncles would come to visit each other, there's always the absence of my cousins. Other than the younger male ones, I also want to see my girls again. We used to all be so close but sometimes I can't help but feel us drifting apart. I remember how happy we got whenever we got complimented at how close we were to each other. But everyone's pretty much doing their own thing now and I really do miss them a lot.
Growing up is obviously inevitable but it can either bring you closer or further away from people. But it also means learning from our pasts and being open to different ways things can turn out. Throughout high school, everyone was so certain they met who their real friends are, but it's all about who'll be there for you no matter what. What happens in high school may possibly follow you throughout college and later on in life especially if you're really social. You'll be meeting new people whom you may feel as close with as some of those you felt close with in high school. It's honestly a cycle if you think about it. You think gossiping and immaturity ends once you step past the gates of your high school in your cap and gowns? Everyone is different. Some mature faster than others, but some will still want to talk about every detail of your life. Some get their lives figured out earlier than others and change to be a better person. And that is honestly something I need to learn to accept without getting upset about how someone carries themselves in situations like not taking their education seriously and who waste time doing other things and who have, in a way, lost their morals. Just because I have a clearer vision of what I want to do doesn't mean the person next to me does. And it's hard to help someone who doesn't want the help to begin with. Change, growth, distance, etc. is all in a tiny box at our doorsteps.
Charlene
Friday, August 22, 2014
New Beginnings
Hello!
I've been on blogspot for 6 years now, but I have decided to publicize a new blog because my old account is filled with personal information. Information that I am not willing to openly share. I continued to write on that blog because I figured the people who followed me on that account no longer use blogspot anymore.
I moved onto Tumblr for a while, but I rarely write on there and instead reblog what interests me. I do keep around a journal that I update every now and then, but I wanted to make a blog where I am able to share my experiences to whoever is interested.
I'll be sharing some things I have learned with my walk with God, music that captivates me, some trails, and to new beginnings. I am a Christian and although I am far from perfect, there are a few things I have given up lately to become more Christ-like. Old habits are slowly being put aside to allow me to become a better, happier person. What I have learned is that being a Christian is not easy. Through this walk with God, I will be facing many trails and tribulations that will try and stray me away from my beliefs, tempting me in various ways. I will not always be happy but I know it is normal to feel defeated once in a while. So in this blog, I will also be sharing some struggles in my life but I will always try to pick myself back up.
It is not always a bright sunshine in our lives. Some days will be flooded by rain, but the beauty is always the rainbow after the rain. I keep that in my mind because there will always be something beautiful as a result to hardships that we encounter in our lives. It is important to try to be as positive as possible. My pastor reminds the congregation that we must be a blessing to others. When I reflect back on my life, I admit I have wronged many people and as much as I would like to apologize, there is something in the back of my head telling me I'd be wasting my time and that I don't deserve to come back in their lives. When it comes to bible studies, I am willing to pick friends up who need a ride because I want them to experience the joy from bible studies. In my Child Development class, my professor explained to the class how it was important for a child to have some sort of belief system because it resembles a set of rules that are needed to follow. It didn't matter if the family was Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Mormon, etc. as long as they had something in their lives to teach them morals. So I am honestly very blessed to be raised in a family like mine. My parents honestly know what's best for me. Growing up I wanted to constantly rebel and had to put on a mask at church, but as I became closer to God, I learned that doing so brought me no where. Why pretend to be someone I'm not? I was titled positions in our church because no one else stood up to take responsibility. I never took it seriously when I was younger. Thankfully, as I grew I learned to put aside partying and bad habits. I've had plenty of eye opening situations that made me want to grow up. Also, as soon as I graduated, I grew very tired of the partying phase. I didn't find the joy I used to when I was a young sophomore in high school. But, I am completely okay with that because I am closer to God than I have ever been in my 18 (almost 19, please hurry up September) years of life. I am blessed with so many things that I sometimes am blinded by, but as soon as I take a step back from reality, I am filled with great awe to see what I have in my life.
Today, Erica and I had a spontaneous outing to Chino Hills to watch "If I Stay". It was released today and I must admit, the movie was great! I feel like everyone in the room was in tears, especially during the scene of the grandfather and Mia. I would watch the movie again if I could. The soundtrack was beautiful as well!
Ben Howard-Promise
Beautiful song. Feel free to check out the rest of the soundtrack from the movie! Or just watch the movie if you can!
Charlene
I've been on blogspot for 6 years now, but I have decided to publicize a new blog because my old account is filled with personal information. Information that I am not willing to openly share. I continued to write on that blog because I figured the people who followed me on that account no longer use blogspot anymore.
I moved onto Tumblr for a while, but I rarely write on there and instead reblog what interests me. I do keep around a journal that I update every now and then, but I wanted to make a blog where I am able to share my experiences to whoever is interested.
I'll be sharing some things I have learned with my walk with God, music that captivates me, some trails, and to new beginnings. I am a Christian and although I am far from perfect, there are a few things I have given up lately to become more Christ-like. Old habits are slowly being put aside to allow me to become a better, happier person. What I have learned is that being a Christian is not easy. Through this walk with God, I will be facing many trails and tribulations that will try and stray me away from my beliefs, tempting me in various ways. I will not always be happy but I know it is normal to feel defeated once in a while. So in this blog, I will also be sharing some struggles in my life but I will always try to pick myself back up.
It is not always a bright sunshine in our lives. Some days will be flooded by rain, but the beauty is always the rainbow after the rain. I keep that in my mind because there will always be something beautiful as a result to hardships that we encounter in our lives. It is important to try to be as positive as possible. My pastor reminds the congregation that we must be a blessing to others. When I reflect back on my life, I admit I have wronged many people and as much as I would like to apologize, there is something in the back of my head telling me I'd be wasting my time and that I don't deserve to come back in their lives. When it comes to bible studies, I am willing to pick friends up who need a ride because I want them to experience the joy from bible studies. In my Child Development class, my professor explained to the class how it was important for a child to have some sort of belief system because it resembles a set of rules that are needed to follow. It didn't matter if the family was Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Mormon, etc. as long as they had something in their lives to teach them morals. So I am honestly very blessed to be raised in a family like mine. My parents honestly know what's best for me. Growing up I wanted to constantly rebel and had to put on a mask at church, but as I became closer to God, I learned that doing so brought me no where. Why pretend to be someone I'm not? I was titled positions in our church because no one else stood up to take responsibility. I never took it seriously when I was younger. Thankfully, as I grew I learned to put aside partying and bad habits. I've had plenty of eye opening situations that made me want to grow up. Also, as soon as I graduated, I grew very tired of the partying phase. I didn't find the joy I used to when I was a young sophomore in high school. But, I am completely okay with that because I am closer to God than I have ever been in my 18 (almost 19, please hurry up September) years of life. I am blessed with so many things that I sometimes am blinded by, but as soon as I take a step back from reality, I am filled with great awe to see what I have in my life.
Today, Erica and I had a spontaneous outing to Chino Hills to watch "If I Stay". It was released today and I must admit, the movie was great! I feel like everyone in the room was in tears, especially during the scene of the grandfather and Mia. I would watch the movie again if I could. The soundtrack was beautiful as well!
Ben Howard-Promise
Beautiful song. Feel free to check out the rest of the soundtrack from the movie! Or just watch the movie if you can!
Charlene
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)