My Dearest Ate Nicolle

 I couldn't be there in person with the rest of my cousins to speak on the day of your burial but if I could have shared a few words with them it would have been:

Thank you. Because of you we all know what it was like to feel loved, to feel seen, to feel special, to feel a sense worth. You may no longer be with us in this physical world but your spirit and your memory will live on forever. It is because of you and your words of encouragement that we are all where we are today. You were everyone's biggest cheerleader and were so selfless. Thank you for finding time to hang out with me, to go to the gym with me, to go on a hike and fail halfway up, for being my temporary sister and roommate, for teaching me how to use all the gym equipment so I could feel confident going alone, and more. We will always wish for more time with those we love but I am so thankful to be able to say that I had the privilege and pleasure of having my life be touched by someone like you. You have made such an impact to the lives of everyone who's been lucky enough to have gotten to know you. You are a true angel who has graced us all on this earth. You have shown nothing but sincerity and grace and have been such a great daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend. Your beautiful smile and contaigous laugh will be with us until it is our time to be called to heaven. I cannot wait to reuinte with you and sing along to "Look Out Weekend" with Ate J before going out on our weekend adventures doing who knows what. I miss you every single day of my life and everything reminds me of you. Thank you for your blessing in our lives. We promise to live on your word and your impact and spread the goodness that is you to those around us. 

 

You will be in our hearts always. 

I love you. 

Only One in 2021

 I feel alone. 

I know I'm not really alone but I still feel as though I am. I feel like I'm left out of things that I thought I was a part of. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel how I feel because of my significance to others. Like how dare me to feel sad right? But I am. I'm lonely too. Who will check up on me other than myself? There's nothing I can do to turn back time. The trauma I've experienced can't be undone. The thoughts and image ring loudly. I play it over and over again almost a year after and trying to pick apart what I could have done different. How I could have maybe saved her in a way. If what I could have done in 2018 would make a difference in 2020. I wish I had someone to just listen and not tell me there's nothing I could have done different and that is isn't my fault. It's not that I'm blaming myself, but I'm sad because I wish I could have done something bigger to help. 

I have no siblings. I am an only child. I hold so close to me every relationship I have and hold on as though they are my siblings. I don't know what it's like to fight with a sister, wrestle with a brother, have someone to open up to 24/7, etc. People say I'm like another sister to them but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still an only child. I feel like I have no right to be sad when someone I love is gone because I'm nothing but a cousin or a friend. I don't know how to explain to others how I feel so insignificant because of this. I see people bond with their siblings and get sad because I don't have that. I'd like that but I don't have that. I don't have that opportunity to call someone or wake someone up just to hear their voice without worrying if I'm being a bother or not. I can only watch from afar.

I'm really sad. I feel like I try to open up to people but hold myself back because there's just that voice in my head saying no one will really be there for you. Then I keep telling myself to be there for myself but for some reason I don't know how. I can't help but feel the need to find people to talk to, for people to be my friend, because I am trying to fill this void in me. I'm lonely. I have a boyfriend who goes through so much so I feel like I can't and shouldn't add another thing onto his plate. I don't want to be a burden to my friends either. I don't feel wanted. But I know I should stop expecting so much from people to be there for me because everyone has their own lives. I get busy with school but if a friend called me or texted me that they needed to talk, I put everything down and give them as much time as they need me for. I'm that kind of person. I wish I loved myself the same way I loved everyone else. 

I can't be going into twenty twenty one like this. I truly want to learn how to love myself. How to be okay with not being okay. How to not feel the need for control and perfection. How to do things for myself. I want to be happy... I have to fake it and keep telling myself I am beautiful and I deserve happiness until I believe it myself. I need a cleanse. I need a way out.