Why did I wait so long to get professional help? I've only had 2 sessions so far but this is amazing. I truly appreciate that my therapist gives it to me bluntly and I love how great of a listener she is. I felt so comfortable just opening up to her about everything and said things that I never thought of before that helped paint a better picture of why I feel the way I feel. No, I don't feel 100% better and there is definitely a lot of things I need to work on with myself but one thing I know for sure is I am not as crazy as I think I am. She tells me I love so much and I'm always making excuses for how people treat or act towards me and that I push my own feelings to the side and don't validate those feelings enough. She told me the things I ask for is normal especially under the circumstances I've been through. Talking to her really made me realize that I've lost my sense of self and worth. I was able to talk to her about what I feel like I deserved and she asked me if I thought I was receiving that. It was a tough question and as much as I wanted to believe I was... I'm really not. I know I deserve more but that doesn't mean I don't already love what I have at the moment. Things are fine but they sure as hell can be better. I need to sort out what exactly I want and what I think I deserve. She also told me I pour so much of myself and need to make sure I surround myself with people who can at least make more effort in pouring out into whatever relationship we have whether it be romantically or friendly. She's given me a couple of exercises to work on and I'm so scared to do it but I'm also able to see the big picture at the same time. Crossing fingers towards this new step of self-love, self-worth, and self-progress.

I deserve to be happy.
I'll get there eventually.

word vomit

I visited a therapist this morning and shared more than I expected to share. I'm hopeful for this but at the same time I'm scared to hear something I don't want to hear. I'm sure it's something I'm going to need to hear eventually but I don't want to. I have a feeling I know where this will go but the thought of it scares me. At the end of the day I just want to "fix" myself. I don't want to be flooded with these thoughts, insecurities, and fears. I just want to live my life day by day and openly accept whatever happens in my life. My homework is to write out things I love about myself, where I want to be, and what my intuition has been telling me. She also told me to always follow my intuition because most of the time, it's always right. Now it's more of just knowing what is it intuition and what is sprouting from my insecurities and anxiety. Anyways, she's super sweet, soft spoken, and young and I'm scared but excited to see where this new journey takes me.

Wish me luck.

It’s getting harder. 

My mental health is not getting better. I’m losing motivation to do anything, it’s getting hard to be around other people, I’m hating myself and the way I look, and I feel empty inside almost every day. I try to be around my friends but there’s something in me that tries to get out of the funk. Nothing works. I give myself days off and try to get more sleep, but still feel so tired throughout the day. I want to sleep for hours on end but even with some sleep, the fatigue does not go away. I want to cry all the time, I feel alone, I feel like no one wants to be around me, I feel like no one loves me… I don’t feel worth it. I feel like I’m wasting peoples time and I feel like I’m annoying people with my presence and bringing them down instead of being an uplifting person to and for them. I don’t want to be dependent on others to make me feel better but some time would be nice. I want to be able to talk to someone about this but I don’t know who. 

I’m so tired of feeling worthless and alone. 

7

Week 7. I have been in graduate school for 7 weeks. The weeks have gone by fast but it feels like it has been forever at the same time. I am filled with a lot of self doubt and sadness. It’s lonely being alone but I am glad I have my dogs with me. I have made an amazing group of friends and I love them already but I feel like I don’t belong at the same time. They’re all so smart and all do well on the exams. I’m passing but I can’t help but compare myself with them and how they’re scoring on the exams. I know I’m not dumb. There’s just something not clicking for me and it’s bothering me so much. I’m studying for hours a day but once the exam is in front of me I panic and forget everything. I’ve tried breathing techniques, white noise, more sleep, almost everything and nothing is working for me. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that doesn’t get me anywhere… Is it because we have 10 weeks to learn a bunch of information? Can’t be. Cal Poly was quarter system and I managed just fine. Is it because I have 7 classes and am in school for hours a day? Maybe… But I know I shouldn’t be making excuses and instead should just adapt into the new environment, learn a new way to learn… I need to learn how to study better. Midterms just ended but we already have another anatomy exam next Monday. I know things but I don’t know a lot more. I never know what to eat. I feel like I no longer have time to cook a decent meal. I almost feel guilty because I should be studying instead of cooking. My mind is chaotic. My apartment is a mess. I have a pile of laundry I need to do. I don’t feel like I deserve to be here. I feel like I won’t get through. I can’t stop beating myself up over this. I’m feeling tired all the time. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I’m really sad. I feel like giving up.