Well... I'm home. First quarter of grad school is over and I got through it and finished strong. I was worried about finals week because my depression was keeping me from studying and kept me from feeling motivated. But I passed and did great on my anatomy final and that's all that matters. First week back home was nice. I've been going out everyday and catching up with friends and I think my social meter has officially run out. It's fun and it's nice when I am around friends but the moment I get home I'm sad again. I was hoping I wouldn't feel sad anymore because now I'm around family and I'm around something familiar but the sadness really doesn't leave you. That's the worst part about it. It follows you and it stays dormant until you're in a vulnerable state again.

I am fucking sad.

I feel worthless. I feel unloved. I feel unwanted.

I've had to cancel some plans tonight because of it and although I feel guilty about it, I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. It's okay to put myself first but at the same time I only feel worse being alone at home. Sometimes I wish there was someone who would get me and someone who would understand what I am going through and just sit with me in a quiet room and keep me company. I can't be dependent on anyone but some fucking company would be nice. Especially now that I'm home I was hoping I could just have someone I can sit in quiet with and just relax. My thoughts are really bad today and at this point I don't know who to talk to and who to reach out to. I feel like the ones who I love most are just absent and unavailable and I don't want to be a burden on them. At this point I'd rather be in Arizona and be back in school with hopes that my course work will distract me and give me an excuse. As I type this my thoughts are getting worse. They're literally screaming in my ear and it's now giving me anxiety. I need to end this.

I've got to go.