Anxiety

There is so much change happening in my life and time is only ticking. I wish the clock could slow down so I could spend quality time with those I love but I lack the power of doing so. My chest hurts at the thought of me moving so far from comfort and I am so scared of my future. I am so scared of being miles away from my family, friends, and boyfriend.

I cannot put into proper words the emotions I feel. I cannot explain the anxiety that visits me almost daily and I cannot comprehend what has been happening in my life. This post is a complete mess.

How fast will 27 months go? What should I expect during these times? Why am I so insecure? Why do I feel like crying 24/7? What if I don't pass grad school? What if I will never become an Occupational Therapist? Will I make new friends? Why do I feel so strongly? Why am I easily hurt and offended? What is my worth? What do I deserve? What if it happens again? What am I capable of? Will I get through this? How often will I get to see people I love while I am away? Do you still want me? Are we ready for this? Will people actually want to visit me? Am I worth it to anyone? Why do I feel so worthless? Am I selfish to feel this way? Are these feelings valid? Is it okay to feel this way? Who loves me? What happened to me? Will this all be worth it? Why haven't you told me you loved me yet today?

Time waits for no one and this is a wave we all ride. I'm literally writing this out while I wait for my car to get serviced. I've been here since 7:45am and my car won't be ready until past 12:30. I have so much left to do before I move and I don't want to do any of it because I can't accept the reality yet. I still can't believe anything that's happening and I hate that I cannot predict the future. I can't accept that this is something I cannot fully prepare myself for. I hate change, I hate surprises. I need something constant to provide me reassurance. If there will be change, I need daily reassurance. I need something to remain stable within the change. My anxiety and constant worry was never this bad but I feel as though things started to get this bad around February of 2017. Now my days are literally filled with worrisome thoughts.

Dear Lord,
         Please prepare me for this new season in my life. Please equip me with the tools I need to get through the hard days and prepare me for things in my life that will be out of my control. Please provide me comfort and please take care of those in my life. Please take care of my parents, my family, John, John's family, my friends, and my dear puppies. Please help me get through grad school. Help me be confident in my abilities and to not be defeated by anxiety and worry. I pray for safety, wisdom, encouragement, support, and love. Many people may ignore me and not see efforts or may not acknowledge what I do, but may I find it in myself to provide myself with encouragement. Help me see my worth Lord. Help me push myself and achieve what I am capable of achieving. I am so scared and I am so lost.

Amen.