7

Week 7. I have been in graduate school for 7 weeks. The weeks have gone by fast but it feels like it has been forever at the same time. I am filled with a lot of self doubt and sadness. It’s lonely being alone but I am glad I have my dogs with me. I have made an amazing group of friends and I love them already but I feel like I don’t belong at the same time. They’re all so smart and all do well on the exams. I’m passing but I can’t help but compare myself with them and how they’re scoring on the exams. I know I’m not dumb. There’s just something not clicking for me and it’s bothering me so much. I’m studying for hours a day but once the exam is in front of me I panic and forget everything. I’ve tried breathing techniques, white noise, more sleep, almost everything and nothing is working for me. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that doesn’t get me anywhere… Is it because we have 10 weeks to learn a bunch of information? Can’t be. Cal Poly was quarter system and I managed just fine. Is it because I have 7 classes and am in school for hours a day? Maybe… But I know I shouldn’t be making excuses and instead should just adapt into the new environment, learn a new way to learn… I need to learn how to study better. Midterms just ended but we already have another anatomy exam next Monday. I know things but I don’t know a lot more. I never know what to eat. I feel like I no longer have time to cook a decent meal. I almost feel guilty because I should be studying instead of cooking. My mind is chaotic. My apartment is a mess. I have a pile of laundry I need to do. I don’t feel like I deserve to be here. I feel like I won’t get through. I can’t stop beating myself up over this. I’m feeling tired all the time. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I’m really sad. I feel like giving up.