Demons Demolition

I am tired of being hopeful.
I am tired of being there for everyone but myself.
I came into the new year with probably the worst state I have ever been in.
My demons are back and are ready to make some damage. It's been getting harder to get through the day lately and with what has happened these past couple of days into the new year, it has become unbearable.

Things started to get bad in the beginning of September. I was having suicidal thoughts every single day and I could not get any rest that month. I was also trying to balance getting the hang of my new job and applying to grad schools as well as my relationship. I guess I sensed everything slowly going downhill within this time and began feeling worthless. I just kept thinking of how great things would be if I wasn't here anymore, that I wasn't worthy of anything, that I couldn't achieve anything, and that I just didn't belong here anymore. It was a constant battle in my head that I felt like I couldn't win. It got as far as thinking of ways to kill myself faster. Despite all of this, I knew deep down I could never do that to myself. I knew I didn't want to die. I needed help... in fact, I WANTED help. These thoughts were out of my control and I couldn't just stop them. I had panic attacks once or twice a week and had anxiety on the daily. I knew my parents would laugh at the thought of me getting professional help but I also did not want to burden any of my friends or family. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Everyone seemed so busy with life that me opening up to them would just add on as another responsibility for them. I fought this battle alone because at the same time my faith had disappeared... God at the time felt distant to me and I did nothing about it to get Him back next to me. I know God is always here and He is always present but the demons were stronger and going back to God wasn't an option for me. The month was so hard for me and it wasn't until the first week of October where I made a decision to open up to someone. I reached out to my cousin, Jashley, and we spent some time at the beach praying and opening up to each other. Tears were shed and it felt so good to get all of this out of my chest. I felt really good the week following but everything started creeping back up. At this time I still felt very distant from my boyfriend and just felt like things weren't as great as they used to be. I knew he was busy and I knew he was stressed and opening up about how I felt turned into an argument so I just told myself to give him the space he needs. I was open. I told him how I was feeling. I heard how he felt, I felt bad and guilty for feeling what I felt and in fact I felt selfish. I felt selfish for asking for more attention when I knew he was tired and busy with work. I felt alone for the last couple months of 2018. My friends were all busy, our group texts would be dry, no one would respond... I graduated already so my friends from college were back at home and some lived far away. My cousin was busy with her friends and I didn't have enough money saved to take her out sometimes. I even got my first grad school rejection letter at this time. I was so alone. I felt like I didn't have anyone. I picked up a habit of going to the gym but that only took up a short amount of time during my day. Even if I was with other people I still felt sad. I felt like I was a waste of time and a bother to them and that they didn't really want to hang out with me and just felt some obligation towards it. I was scared for the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect and I just wanted to get it over with. Despite all that, I did look forward to our annual Christmas Eve party but that ended up as a shit show. So then I looked forward to New Years Eve. It was nice. It was a small celebration and I was around great company. I felt hopeful for the new year.

I was wrong. Without going into details, I knew things wouldn't be the same anymore. My relationships have been compromised and I just wanted to distance myself from everyone and everything. Whenever I had the opportunity to have the day for myself, I took it as a chance to sleep all day. It was a way for me to get away from my thoughts and from the world. I was angry with everyone but mostly with myself. Things were good when we went to Vegas to celebrate Shivani's birthday and I wish I could go back in time to enjoy myself in the moment more but I can't. I was tired, I was sad, I was distant. I wanted to be around my best friends, I wanted to be present but my mind and body just wouldn't let me. It was so hard to be happy, as much as I wanted to be. All I wanted to do was cry and that's exactly what I did. Now coming back, I got another rejection letter from a school I thought I at least had a good chance with. I just feel hopeless. These demons are killing me. I want to escape. I can't. Something isn't letting me no matter how hard I try. I still want help. I know I need help. There is so much built up anger and sadness in me that I don't know why or how it started. I need someone to help me find answers. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of not being able to get sleep at night, and I'm tired of being tired during the day. I'm so tired of having anxiety consume a majority of my day. I'm so tired of all these negative thoughts eating me alive. I am so tired of hearing apologies with no changed behaviors. I am so tired of holding onto things that hurt me and I am so tired of being tired. I just feel as if everything is out of my control and my future has been stripped away and everything now seems further away. All the things I was excited for after graduating has been thrown out. I'm exhausted. I am tired of constantly feeling alone. I am so sad. How is it that I am tired of being and feeling alone yet when the opportunity arises, I would rather stay home alone and not be around other people. It's gotten harder to be around others. It's getting harder faking a smile. I'm easily irritated. I'm easily annoyed around other people.

What is happening to me?
How can I get out of this?
I need help.