As hard as it is to admit my summer is coming to an end, it is time to face the reality of sleepless college nights once more. I'm currently sitting on a full stomach with In-N-Out inside of me, listening to 'If I Stay''s soundtrack, in my kitchen. I've always heard great things about Spotify, so I finally downloaded it and made an account. What angered me was RIGHT when I made the account, I tried to log in and it said my username or password was incorrect. I pretty much used the same information I use for Pandora. When signing in Spotify online, it let me log in to see my account information but when I try to actually listen to music, it says my information is invalid. I wasted a good half hour only to boil my blood. So I guess I'm sticking to Pandora, iTunes, and trusty ol' Youtube for music.
Anyways, today was my last Saturday before school starts. Crazy how I'm already entering my second year of college! I feels like graduation just happened last month. Honestly pretty nervous of how I'm going to maintain my grades this semester with all the things I have on my plate. Just trying to transfer already, y'know? Well, even though I had a good 4 (including the week before summer school) weeks of a summer vacation, I'm honestly feeling so drained. Besides the normal fall and spring semesters, I went ahead and did winter and summer courses as well. I'm constantly tired and I can't stress how insecure I am of my dark circles and eye bags. My dark circles are half hereditary and half lack of sleep. I don't mind taking extra classes during my supposed-to-be vacations because those vacations feel too long and I feel like I'm just wasting time. I complain about not sleeping, studying, etc. but I really do try to do my best in what I do now. I've become so strict with myself once I saw I finally had potential in doing well in school. Sadly, this didn't kick in until college but better late than never. In high school I honestly didn't care about what grade I got as long as I "still learned something". But looking back at it, my carelessness set me far back and I wish I gave a crap earlier. Now knowing that I can be so much more than I drew myself as in high school, I push myself because I know if I stay comfortable I will not get far. You must explore your capabilities to find the great potential you have to offer to others. I must constantly push myself and try to new things, strategies, and what not. What pisses me off is that I gained the Freshman 15 and I'm not doing anything about it, haha! Thankfully (I guess), my school requires some sort of physical education as a G.E requirement so I chose to do pilates. I really need to push myself to start losing weight instead of constantly complaining about myself when I see my reflection.
So being my last Saturday of break, I went to Balboa Beach with the youth from camp as a reunion and it was fun. While almost everyone went biking, I stayed behind with Matt to catch up and talk about things. I had my back faced against the sun and I sat for a good 2 hours and got a gnarly sunburn and tan from it. It's painful and ugly. Guess it's time to give my body a good scrub. (Currently listening to Just a Habit-Low Roar and I feel so good). The talk with Matt was good. He admitted that he was surprised out of my cousins (because we've pretty much grew up together within the past 7 years) I became most involved in the church. Don't know how to feel about that but I honestly wouldn't have seen it as a surprise because my parents are so involved in the church so of course I will be too. I miss my cousins. I wish I could have celebrated at least a good weeks worth of being with all of them together again. It's sad having to face the truth of us all growing up. When we were younger, whenever we had family driving either up north or down south, we could always expect all the cousins to be reunited. But as we grew older, whenever the aunts and uncles would come to visit each other, there's always the absence of my cousins. Other than the younger male ones, I also want to see my girls again. We used to all be so close but sometimes I can't help but feel us drifting apart. I remember how happy we got whenever we got complimented at how close we were to each other. But everyone's pretty much doing their own thing now and I really do miss them a lot.
Growing up is obviously inevitable but it can either bring you closer or further away from people. But it also means learning from our pasts and being open to different ways things can turn out. Throughout high school, everyone was so certain they met who their real friends are, but it's all about who'll be there for you no matter what. What happens in high school may possibly follow you throughout college and later on in life especially if you're really social. You'll be meeting new people whom you may feel as close with as some of those you felt close with in high school. It's honestly a cycle if you think about it. You think gossiping and immaturity ends once you step past the gates of your high school in your cap and gowns? Everyone is different. Some mature faster than others, but some will still want to talk about every detail of your life. Some get their lives figured out earlier than others and change to be a better person. And that is honestly something I need to learn to accept without getting upset about how someone carries themselves in situations like not taking their education seriously and who waste time doing other things and who have, in a way, lost their morals. Just because I have a clearer vision of what I want to do doesn't mean the person next to me does. And it's hard to help someone who doesn't want the help to begin with. Change, growth, distance, etc. is all in a tiny box at our doorsteps.
Charlene
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