5 am

First week into winter break and I'm loving it. Been pretty occupied with a lot of things (in a good way) and have been trying new things as well. I still sleep late, hence why this is titled 5 am. I guess I'm still set on that 6am sleep schedule I was on when class was still in session.

Winter break has been treating me well but I'm honestly so scared to check my grades. I feel like I'll break down into tears when I see my bio psych grade but at the same time I feel like I'll just say, "Screw it". Thinking about it stresses me out so much! I feel like I still need to kiss up to my professor for a good grade even though I know she'd never help me out. I just have to pray about it. I also need to start looking for facilities where I can volunteer at for my field of study. I've asked around with some family who care for a child with autism and they have recommended places for me to check out.

Sometimes I can't help but think about my future and just fear about it. I'm so scared that all the work I've been putting in will go to waste, that money and precious time will be wasted, and I'll be nothing but a disappointment. What if I study 8 years for something only to find out that in 15 years, I won't even be working within that field? That I'll be doing the complete opposite of it? Or what if I'm still in school trying to find out where I want to be? I hear a lot of people doubting me and as much as I would like to say I will prove them wrong, I'm starting to believe that I won't be good enough to do what I see myself doing today. There's just constant knocking on my brain asking what I'll do next. I honestly wish I had money to just drop everything and just travel the world, meet new people, help those less fortunate than I, etc. I want to make a difference during my lifetime NOW. Not only when I become a speech therapist, but I just want to help people out. I know I don't have much to offer, but I would really like to help with what I have.

I really miss my friends and I am so excited for us to be together again. Shivani is back from studying abroad but left for India a week after but I'm still glad I was able to see her before she left again. I'm so excited to see everyone else though! Slowly finding time to catch up with friends I was not able to hang out with during the semester and it makes me so happy to finally see them again. I didn't even realize it but I have so much planned this break. I'll be pretty occupied this short break. Just thinking about it, I only have 2 weeks left before I start school again.

The weather has been cooling down though. I'm very happy for weekly rainfall, for cool temperatures, and gloomy skies. Being able to layer up is so fun and I'm so happy about that.

It's 4 minutes till 6 so I should probably force myself to sleep since I have a long day ahead of me.

Charlene