Sudden Halt

August 25, 2014 was the first day of my sophomore year in college and so far things are not too bad. I got what I expected though--a lot of memorization and studying. Not like I had a big social life to begin with, but my mind is focused on my studies and trying to actually learn what I'm paying for so I can apply it to my daily life. I'm not as shy as I was last year in class. Now I'm able to make conversation with strangers around me without making too much of a fool of myself. School-wise, things are going steady. I'm especially enjoying my Psychology (Biological Psych) & Biology (Humans & the Environment) classes. Not only because of the subjects themselves, but the professors really seem to love what they do. They add passion to their lectures which makes things more interesting and actually keeps me attentive and alert. Unlike my English class… I swear it's more of a snooze session in there. My other classes are okay, hopefully my excitement for them builds up later on. I'm sadly (not really, tbh) dropping my Human Geography class. I'll go into more detail about it later.

I wasn't really planning on writing until my whole first week was over, but I couldn't help myself. I know this topic may be a bit too personal so I'll leave some parts out. A very close family member of mine was diagnosed with colon cancer a couple years back but doctors were able to remove the cancer while it was in stage two. I remember actually seeing the tumor in person. My family was thrilled that things were going to be okay. But lately, things haven't been looking up. They started to feel pain in their body once more and had the same symptoms as last time. Once results from the tests were returned, the doctors told my family that the cancer has returned. This time they aren't too sure of the stage because the patient is not strong enough to undergo surgery. I'll leave it at that. I am so fearful to lose another loved one. I am so upset that I am in another country so I cannot visit them when I really want to. I can no longer easily get called off from school due to a family emergency. I know they need money so that's why I think dropping this Human Geography class is beneficial. I will be getting a couple hundreds back instead of spending more. I've been crying since 6 o'clock and my eyes are extremely puffy. I didn't expect posting a sad post this soon on my blog.

Situations like these remind me to always cherish my time with those whom I love because our life can be taken from us when we least expect it. To always make time for them to make beautiful memories that will live with us forever. I am grateful to have gotten close to who I am close with now. But I honestly don't know how I'd survive without my parents. The thought of it brings me to tears because I don't want to lose them. I can't accept that death is inevitable. I can't accept being away from them. I can't accept the fact that I can't physically be with them one day. It scares me so much to think that this life that I am so comfortable living with right now can change any day. It terrifies me that I might not know what to do. I might not know who to trust, who to let in, etc. I fear I might grow strong hate inside of me because I couldn't do anything. If I could, I'm scared I'd beat myself up for not doing enough. I'm scared I won't make anything of myself once I grow older. I'm so terrified. I'm scared of letting my mom travel without me or my dad. I'm scared of them just going to work. I'm willing to accept that change happens but at the same time when it's a lifestyle-ish change--I just can't get my thoughts right because my heart is beating so fast and tears are rushing down my cheeks. I'm willing to change as a person and I know that everyone changes and that change can sometimes be good, but I'm not willing to change how I do things when the ones I love aren't around. Ugh, I can't explain it.

Charlene