I Thought I Was Better

 I promise you I was okay, for the most part. Despite my last couple of entries here. Mentally, I thought I was stronger. I may not be where I was last year, and these negative thoughts did not start as early as they did the last couple of years that's for sure. But I guess sometimes things are too good to be true. It's so hard to not worry about the future... Where I'll be in 6 months, my boards, being able to pay off my loans, find a ~big girl~ job, lose weight again, clear my skin, be mentally stronger, will I be a fiancé anytime soon?! haha there's so many things that are about to unravel in 2022 and I'm honestly a little scared. The thought of everything is starting to honestly shut my body down. 

I have 1.5 weeks left of fieldwork and I've been starting to study for my NBCOT exam. I spend a lot of time in front of the screen but wonder if I'm even truly studying. Am I really understanding anything I'm reading? Some things don't really click well. I don't know if it's because I feel like I cannot fully commit to it yet because I am in fieldwork. I don't know if it's just because I need to reteach myself how to study. Am I studying too early? I don't know what it is. I think I'm just slowly falling into that slump that I usually feel around this time of the year. I just feel like isolating myself from everyone again. I don't feel like socializing. I don't feel like myself. I hate so much about myself right now actually. I feel like no one wants me around. I don't know what it is. 

Anyways, I wish I had someone who could sit me down and help me study. Talk to me, quiz me, ask me about what I'm learning so that I could verbally recite it and teach someone about what I'm learning to reassure me that I actually am studying... but as of right now I am tired. my mind is tired. I dont even know if anything I am typing makes sense honestly. I dont feel like these sentences are flowing. 

I don't care.

I don't know. 

I really thought I was doing better.