but why

I'm back in therapy again and have had 4 sessions so far. It's started to get really bad and getting through the day becomes harder. There's so much pent up in me that's continued to build and build and build. It's become so heavy, blinding, and painful. I can't explain it. I've tried so hard to keep myself busy. I'll try texting some friends, ask if anyone's available to grab a bite to eat, draw, watch new series, etc. but at the end of the day I just sit in my solitude feeling so empty. I can't help but cry. I also think about how my time in Arizona is coming to an end. It's a bittersweet feeling. I've learned so much, tried to step out of my comfort zone when I could, made new friends, learned how to do so much on my own. I am happy to be moving back to California at the end of August but a part of me also doesn't want to. I love being alone without feeling any responsibility to leave my room and engage in small talk when I don't feel like it. I love being able to be sad and cry alone, haha. A part of me also enjoyed feeling "free". Not internally and maybe not even physically but I liked being far from a lot of things??? BUT at the same time I hated being far from a lot of things. I couldn't be home when my cousin passed away, I couldn't be there for family gatherings, I couldn't be there for my boyfriend when he needed me to be, etc. I think about how my time is coming to an end and wishing I could just stay a little longer because I'm scared. Maybe I'm scared to come home and have to face things I thought I could run away from or just being around people I don't want to be around. 

I was told to keep myself busy and damn it I've honest to God have been trying to. My therapist told me that on days where I feel like not doing anything, to just do something anyways. To do something that requires movement. But before it could even get to that point, I need to write down a list of what I could do on days like that. The list had to be attainable and short so it wouldn't overwhelm me and here's my current list:

• Get out of bed and wash my face and brush my teeth 
• Clean the dishes
• Pack my clothes 
• Pack things in my apartment I'm going to bring home
• Sell things before I move out 
• Step outside and walk around my apartment at least once a day

I was also told to be honest with myself and to acknowledge the things I feel. That it is not selfish of me to ask for what I need. To stop finding excuses to justify the hurt people around me is causing me. To love myself and respect myself. To take care of myself the way I take care of others. She told me to find myself again and to not run away from my fears and face them head on. She told me to lean onto my support system and to think about the people who genuinely love me and who've shown time and time again their love for me. I thought about that for a while. Who would be willing to drop things last minute or any time to just talk to me? Who's been there to check on me? Who's been there to help keep me company without prying it out of me to open up? Who's showed their understanding and patience with me? Who do I genuinely feel loved from? The list isn't long. It's only a couple of people but I am so thankful for them. 

Everyday I am at war with myself because I want to be better. I want to not feel this way. I hate rollercoasters but my mental health is sure in one never-ending one. But I put in the damn effort when I can. I try to face it head first. There are things I feel like I know I need to do in order to heal but I'm scared to do it. I'm scared for change. I'm scared for reality. I'm scared.