I hate that I measure my value through verbal affirmations from others. It's actually one of my top love languages but I also find it possibly debilitating because not receiving words of affirmation makes me feel inadequate or incapable. As if I am undeserving of something because I do not get any verbal feedback or words of praise. It's almost as if I self sabotage and pick myself apart if I don't get told I am doing something right. I've been in a pit of self doubt for the past week now as I begin my final rotation. I do not see myself in an outpatient community based setting, nor did I expect a job offering considering the format of the setting and it literally just needing one OT, so I can't help but compare myself to my classmates in different settings. They've been getting job offers post-grad and I feel stuck because I know I wouldn't be getting any. I got positive feedback at the end of my 2A rotation but I still feel like it isn't enough to be offered a job. I mean I was told to apply to Spooner Phoenix because they were expanding but it's still different from being good enough to be told they want me as part of their team. Am I reading too much into it? Anyways, I also have always wanted to work with kids. I love working with that population and enjoyed the times that I did but I didn't get any full time experience with it during school so I'm scared I wouldn't be prepared or capable for a position in that setting. I always hear that you are more likely to receive an offer in a setting you had experience in but due to COVID, my 1B/C rotations were canceled. 1A was also community based, and I did pretty well in it but I still don't see myself in that setting as a new grad. Neuro and mental health could have been interesting but I was canceled and lucked out. 2A was in hand therapy and I did enjoy it but did my CI's genuinely see me excelling in that setting? I don't know. I think I just pick myself apart too much but I'm at the point where I genuinely do not know what setting I could be good at. I'm hoping to get some sort of experience and hours at a hospital setting or just anything to get my foot in the door honestly. I want to try to remind myself that this shouldn't determine my worth as an OT. I am capable, I am worthy of this. I don't know, I just find it so hard to say affirmations to myself when I genuinely feel stuck in life right now. All I can do with this time is to study for my boards and see how I feel with everything by the end of the year. I'd honestly feel so bummed if I didn't pass my first time... UGH stop it Char.