I have been dwelling on these insecurities for years. They have now become a part of me and I fear they will always be. I think being locked inside the house for the past year has only worsened the voices in my head about my appearance, my capabilities, and my overall worth. I find little motivation to get ready and when I do, I can't help but feel almost ashamed because who I am with my make-up on is not who I am without it. This goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel more confident when I feel put together and look good and feel more reserved and incompetent without it. I do not know which of the two is who I really am. I do like who I am with the glam on but I hate how different I look without it. Then I have friends who are like, "Omg I didn't even recognize her without her make up on anymore. She looks so..... uh..." Because I know I'm one of those girls too. It's upsetting that I can't be happy with myself with and without it on and I hate that I am constantly comparing myself with other girls. I don't want to but it's also so hard for me not to as well. 

I don't think I will ever be happy and okay with this. It doesn't even help that now I've gotten off the pill my face has been breaking out so bad. I have acne and discoloration all over my chin and cheeks. I still feel big and bloated. I have no energy and no motivation, not even to draw and work on a commission. I just feel like my life is this constant loop and I can't help but yearn for some change. March is already coming to an end and I'm still how I was in December just a couple pounds less but my weight continues to fluctuate. It's almost been a year since my cousin has passed away. I'm starting week 4/12 of my fieldwork rotation. I'm tired.