My life the last 8 weeks has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. It's crazy because I feel like internally I feel the same as I have for the past 3 years: alone, empty, sad, and numb but there's also a very small part of me that feels hopeful. I'm not sure what I'm feeling hopeful for because I'm still overwhelmed with so much anxiety on the daily but that small sliver of hope keeps me going. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with this journey I'm in right now. I'm okay with not knowing but holding onto something that gives me purpose. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "I love this life" out of no where with nothing present to make me realize this that life is great. But as I sit alone in my apartment at 10pm on a Saturday night, I feel grateful. I feel grateful for this opportunity to be away from home, to soul search, and grow. The growth is small but the small victories are worth celebrating. I feel good in where I am in life right now and as tiring as my weekdays are at a hand therapy clinic, I am comforted knowing I am helping make someone's day and being a small part of their day for them to look forward to. I've worked with patients whose only social hour is coming to therapy. I've worked with people who've lost more than 6 family members in 2020 alone. I've worked with children who've not seen their friends in over a year. I've worked with people who have finally reunited with family after a year. I've worked with people who have so much insight, advice, and knowledge and are willing to pass their wisdom down to me. I'm learning to be in the present as I work. Sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm falling into a routine and realize that I'll be like a robot for the rest of my life, but the moment I work with the first patient of the day, I am reminded of how rewarding the field of occupational therapy is. 

I don't know how to explain it. I'm in a crossroad of my life and truly feel like my spirit guides are telling me to be more present, to continue to work through the hurt, and my purpose will be unveiled. I've worked with someone who has inspired me to start taking risks because "if not now, then when?"