Recoup

I think I've lost myself these last couple of weeks.

Being too focused on one thing has strayed me from other things in my life that I believe are much more important. I have been beating myself up and hurting myself when I know better than to allow myself to let this happen. I'm trying to pick myself back up even if it means having to cut ties with some people or just distance myself for a short while until I find myself again. I have been so sad these past weeks and it's really distracting. I'm skipping meals, I'm not studying for my classes, I have become irritable and emotional, I haven't been so active… I'm concentrated on looking for songs that describe how I'm feeling because I am at a loss for words and I can't even decipher how I feel.

What do you do when you want something to work out so bad but every sign you get tells you that it's no longer worth fighting for? Some people really don't care. They don't care about your day, your feelings, what makes you happy, what hurts you… They don't care. Sometimes they don't intentionally push you away but they aren't doing anything to keep you near to them as well. I guess that's what bothers me because I begin to knock myself down again. Repeating what I used to say about myself--that I'm never going to be good enough but I know I'm good enough for someone. I have to stay positive because all this negativity just causes unnecessary stress.

On the bright side, I have been talking to old friends that I haven't talked to in a while. I'm really trying my hardest to find time for my friends but I fear that since things are getting bad again, I might just isolate myself from the world. I'm really trying to not let it happen again though. It isn't fun at all and if anything, company is a great remedy and a great distraction from haunting thoughts. There is a time when to know when to distance yourself from people who no longer help you grow but it does not mean ignore every person who is trying to get close to you.

I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to focus on my own path and I am trying to find myself again. The sadness will not win--I refuse to let it.

But am I a fool for always staying because I keep telling myself that it'll work out on its own one day?

Charlene