Maybe I'm Not Ready

To soften a heart takes trust. To soften a heart means, "I'll trust you won't damage the softest spots," and, "I think I'm ready to invite you in." To soften a heart, one must commit to one particular subject in their prayers. A softened heart may sound vulnerable but a hardened heart is tough to work with. Trust me I know. I've had my fair share of having to turn down guys because I was too fearful of commitment. That or I never met someone (in a sense) worthy enough of my time? I've been with guys who have been complete opposites of who I was and that only lead to arguments and heartbreaks. My heart hasn't soften in a while because I was too scared of getting hurt again. I was too scared to be vulnerable and turn into this girl I told myself and others I wasn't. My friend would tell me to pray that God will soften my heart, I prayed about it, and here I am fearing to accept that God has answered this prayer.

My heart and mind are constantly at war with one another. My mind shoots reality and the many consequences that may happen because I'm slowly cutting myself a little slack. My heart understands but cannot help but fight back. This battle gives me headaches and anxiety.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by

prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, 

let your requests be make known to God;

And the peace of God, which surpasses 

all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds

through Jesus Christ. 

Philippians 4:6-7

I'll be honest when I say I have done this before. I've poured out every bit of trust I had in me to Him. Trusting that He would guide me to where I selfishly wanted to be. To my own surprise, my prayers were answered and I received what I wanted at the time. Despite receiving an answered prayer, God decided to throw in some trails through this prayer. I got what I wanted for my own satisfaction but through the extra lessons God threw in my life, it taught me to trust in Him even more. I prayed every night that he would strengthen not only I, but the other people involved in the situation. Prayed for a softened and understanding heart, for patience, for trust, for happiness, and so on. I saw a new light in relationships and a "potential boyfriend" through this experience. Although I felt myself being so prepared and ready for a relationship, God used this opportunity to teach me or maybe show me what I should be looking for in someone I will be in a relationship with. I used to surround myself with guys who were of unequal yolk as I and I think that's why things never worked out. Here I was reaching for God while they were reaching towards a joint. 

I thought I was ready at the time. Ready to fight for this guy and ready to sacrifice some things as long as I was certain he would still be around at the end of the day. As much as I still wish things worked out, everything really does happen for a reason. A door closes for another to open and even though I'm scared to walk into the brand new door, I am slowly learning to move on. Slowly learning to accept the past and why things happen so I can learn to trust God more. Trust He will bring me closer to where I need to be each and every brand new day. As I write this, maybe I'm not ready. I might not be ready but I also know there's nothing wrong with that. It's okay if I'm not ready and it's okay if being in a relationship isn't one of my priorities right now. It's not only relationships I'm not ready for, but it's the whole process of growing up. I'm not ready to step out of my comfort zone that I've been in for 19 years and I'm not ready to transfer and reach for my dreams. I may not be ready but I also need not to let it hinder myself from growth. With God I can do all things. Through God I will be able to slowly transition to where I need to be as a child of God. Through these doors, I'll be able to learn about God and who I am as His child. 

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. 

Philippians 4:13