For My Mental

So much has happened these past couple of months and I think it's time I write a couple things down.

I finally finished my undergraduate degree and let me just say one thing: I did the damn thing. My undergraduate degree felt like forever and I am so glad I can finally say I have my bachelor's degree. Had some hiccups along the way with many stressful and long nights full of contemplation and anxiety. There were so many doubts within this whole journey and honestly, it's come full circle now that I'm here trying to apply to grad schools. It's fucking stressful and daunting. I'm constantly at a battle in my mind as I second guess my success. It's just not enough. I literally begin to tear up every time I think of sending in an application because I pretty much know I'm not going to get into the school. I always wonder if it's worth even submitting the application. If it's worth paying $280 for all the apps and another $200+ for the damn GRE that literally tortures me at the thought. I want to get this all over with.

I also have been depressed lately. The thoughts are honestly so damaging and it's something that haunts me every single day. I've been having a hard time trying to shake it off and redirect my thoughts but it's getting harder every time. I'll just be laying down and my mind just speaks for itself with no filter. This is the first time I've thought about killing myself for this long and I really don't know where this is all coming from and I don't know what to do or who to talk to about this. On top of all of this, I've been really insecure about so many things. Ranging from my skills to my appearance. Every picture taken of me is just a reminder of how much weight I've gained. I can't help but be disgusted with myself. As much as I want to document new memories and take pictures with people I love, I just can't get myself to be content with an outcome. I feel like I'm not worth showing off. I feel selfish but I'm also a hopeless romantic and small romantic gestures are what I love. I love being shown how much I'm loved. I love going out and seeing new things. I just want to be out. I want to be shown off. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. I don't even know. I'm just rambling at this point.

I've been trying to work on myself lately though. I've been trying to go to the gym and switch up my diet. Back in 2015, I got myself a gym pass and I never went. The thought of going to the gym where people would watch my every move intimidated me. People on social media are recording people and making fun of them and I've always been so scared to be someone recorded and go viral. But I recently got a pass again and I've already gone more times in 3 weeks than I did in a year and three months. I'm surprisingly enjoying it though. It feels really good to get away and it's honestly becoming a form of relief. I come out actually feeling energized. The weight loss isn't obvious or anything yet and as much as I would love to rush it, I know I can't and I know I shouldn't. Instead I need to redirect my focus on the process instead of the end goal. I definitely feel much better about myself and I know I need to try my best to find time every week to work out. I need to work hard on myself and I need to learn how to love myself all over again.